[18 in the 80s]

Closer To Home

This is a song about three guys in a car.  There's  twist that's revealed in the last line  (hopefully not before)

It's kind of a Country style song with a half spoken/half sung delivery.

Thanks for reading,

Cheers

Paul


VERSE 1
They'd been driving about two hours, the three of ‘em
Jamie's drumming his fingers on the dashboard, riding shot gun
He turns to old man and he says, "Do you mind if I smoke?”
And old Jimmy smiles and says, “Nope,
 
Not if you dont mind walking.
Then you can smoke all you like.”
Jamie rolls his eyes, “You ex-smokers are the worst kind."
The old man shrugs, “You should try it sometime."
 

VERSE 2
There's a young guy crashed out in the back seat
Stretched out, staring up at the sky
Jamie says, "That kid’s gotta learn a thing or two."
Old man says, "Yeah, but then me and you do too.”
 
He's eighteen and ain't listening to a single word
They ain't saying anything he ain't already heard
Same old stories about 'back in the day'
Whem they had money to burn and no bills to pay


Pre-Chorus
And the road stretches out ahead
Far as the eye can see
Seems to go on forever
As far as they can see
Like a lifetime out there      

CHORUS
And the road is a lifetime
From the cradle to the grave
And although these guys don’t realise
Their lives are all the same
They’re all travelling down this winding road
Getting closer to home
 

VERSE 3
the old man’ll be doing most of the driving
Taking it nice and easy after all his ducking and diving
In the old days he was a gambler, leading a charmed life
His was bullet proof and sharp as a knife
 
Gambling all he got, right down to the wire
Til on a losing steak with the stakes get higher
He became a loose cannon, and then he got fired
Now he lets the fast lane just pass him by


CHORUS
Cos he realieed
The road lasts a lifetime
From the cradle to the grave
And although these guys don’t realise
Their lives are all the same
They’re all travelling down this winding road
Getting closer to home


VERSE 4
Back when he was eighteen he split this town
Sat on a bus staring up at the same sky the young guy is now.
He left behind his girl cos he knew there’d be plenty more
And there was a few, but there was none like her.

So he came back to find that his girl was long gone
He searched for her in lonely eyes and bars, kept moving on
Then the three things he chased in life all conspired against him
Women, booze and fast cars all tried to kill him
 
The past caught up with him and it looked him in the eye
And what he saw there was the story of his life
And like Jamie’s gonna find out, your actions define your fate
You only turn back the clock when you know its too late

Pre-Chorus
And the road stretches out ahead
Far as the eye can see
Seems to go on forever
As far as they can see
Like a lifetime out there      

 
Chorus
The road lasts a lifetime
From the cradle to the grave
Old Jimmy, Jamie and the young guy
One life of memories, all three the same
They’re all travelling down the same winding road
Getting closer to home
And the road stretches out ahead
But that’s as far as they'll go
Cos they’re same guy on the same road

[hardtwistmusic]

Loved the twist at the end.  I thought they were all going to die together... and a surprise (i.e. not ending as I thought it would) is always a memory inducer.  It will stick in my mind because of the ending. 

As far as critique/advice --  your surprise ending won't work if your audience is numb to the concept and song before you GET to the surprise ending. 

If it were me, I'd create a VERY condensed version of the song. . . or even make a trilogy of it . . . all leading to the same conclusion, but getting there  much faster. 

For a market with a VERY short attention span (i.e. the current music market) the song is just too long as it is.  The number of listeners who will still be attentive at the end is not very many. 

[Miguelrye89]

This is honestly the best I've read so far! The imagery, the story, the message, everything just blended so perfectly to me! Of course, as with most writing, there's always room for minor tweaks etc but other than that it was well done

[diademgrove]

Hi Paul,

my main problem with the lyrics is you haven't given me a reason to feel any empathy for the old man. The first verse tells us he doesn't like smokers, the second says he bores the 18 year old and the third says he's spent his life gambling. It is only in the last verse that we get any form of empathy when he is looking for his old flame. I was left thinking she'd had a lucky escape.

I like the chorus but it seems to be for a different song.

Sorry to be so critical. You have some very good individual lines but they don't work as a whole for me.

Feel free to ignore me if you disagree.

Keith

[Reece!]

Hey,

I really like the chorus, a lot actually. I think that's the strength of the song. I couldn't really connect with the lyrics myself so I find it hard to judge them personally. I agree with what some of the others said about condensing the song I think that would really strengthen it as a whole.

Reece!

[Paulski]

Hi Paul

This starts out great. I love a story song and right away I want to know what happens.
It just sounds like such a real conversation happening.

I was OK with the length (for a story song) but I don't think it needs a pre-chorus - just complicates things here IMO.

I like the twist at the end BUT I don't think it is well delivered. Maybe sth like "They're one and the same" would work better for me.

Looking forward to hearing this
Paul