[v8burble]

Happy New Year all. I've been dabbling with songs and posted my first effort in November and got some great feedback around the good and the bad.

I'm trying to find out whether I should spending more time on this, given day job and too many other hobbies!

Any comments welcome, although I don't play any instruments properly so comments on song structure, general feel are probably more helpful as I would need to work with a musician if I ever wanted to do more. Also - the narrated comments were a bit of a laugh and I kept them in for amusement but would probably remove from final song!

https://soundcloud.com/v8burble/starting-out

Starting Out – Composed by Philip Stewart 2015

[Spoken] This is my story of love. It’s a story of passion, on which my dreams were fashioned, and a love that would endure within me forever.

Well it started back in a bar in the city
My plans torn up with a smile
Just a look from this girl, and damn she was pretty
And how she’d light up my world for a while

just a regular guy with no cares and no worry
and nothing holding me back
but how things change in a hurry
I guess it’s just life has that knack

It may take a spark to start the fire
But once full of flames and desire
The here and now leaves what was before
A long distant memory, forevermore

Starting out – way back then
No idea of who or when
But looking back at this life of mine
That was my love and that was my time

We travelled, explored life and each other
But no greater sight did I see
Than the sight of my girl on a hot summer night
And the truth that this girl was with me

The taste of her lips, the touch of her skin
Shook me through to the core
The warmth of her body, pressed up to mine
What I knew then and now, I couldn’t want more

She was that spark that started the fire
And she was everything I desired
The here and now leaves what was before
A long distant memory forevermore

Starting out - way back then
No idea of who or when
And now looking back at this life of mine
That was my love and that was my time

Though time’s made us weary, and memory fades
Ever line on her face tells a tale
Of the good times, the bad, of those wild escapades
Everything that we did we could not fail

[Spoken] When I’m old and lying back thinking of the good times, I know, I just know that this memory will last with me forever

And our dreams were unlimited, love uninhibited
And life flowed like sweet fine wine
Our dreams were our own, she’s the dream of mine
That was my love and that was my time

Starting out - way back then
No idea of who or when
And now looking back at this life of mine
That was my love and that was my time

And now looking back at this life of mine
That was my love and that was my time

[mickeytwonames]

Carry-on - I like it - IMHO A judicious edit of to shorten the number of words in some lines would open space up for singing and more difference in the backing between the verse and chorus. just sayin'

[CaliaMoko]

I like this a lot. It has a good beat and, for the most part, I think the words slide right into place. The main exception to this was the line "And our dreams were unlimited, love uninhibited". Cramming all those syllables into that line just doesn't sound good to me. There are other possibilities. Like "And our dreams were so great" or "large" or "huge" or something you can find a rhyme for the second part that fits better.

And you have the opposite problem in "but how things change in a hurry". You could try something like "but, oh, how things can change in a hurry".

These ideas, of course, are just my opinion and may not work for you at all, but I hope you find something useful here.

Vicki

[adamfarr]

"My plans torn up with a smile" - standout line! Other parts need a bit of work but could be a really interesting 80s-ish song... Your vocal sounds a bit tentative - doesn't need to be: in the final section when it comes in alone it sounds great.

[v8burble]

Thanks guys for the feedback.
A couple of comments suggesting shortening words in lines so I'll take a look at that.

I'm a little reluctant to change the "and our dreams were unlimited, love uninhibited" as I actually wanted the contrast between the clumsiness of this and the "and life flowed like sweet fine wine".

It'd be great to get it recorded with a proper guitar (not an awful garageband synth guitar) and this might lift the song a little. One day I'm sure I'll find other to work with on songs as that's what I was hoping for when I started this.
Thanks!
Phil

[Kayles86]

I really enjoyed reading through your lyrics. It has a feel of the band called the 1975 in regards to the lyrics.

[PTCruiser1801]

I really enjoyed this track...to echo the words of others before me- 'My plans torn up with a smile'... great lyrics! Really conveys a strong message...well done!

[v8burble]

Thanks PTCruiser1801 and Kayles86 for your nice comments.

Haven't looked at music for last 3 months chasing other hobbies but going to bounce back into it again now - always a nice surprise to log in after a while and see positive comments.

[MartynRich]

I like it, nice track...yes I think it would sound better with organic instruments but I think its a great work in progress. I would maybe cut down on some of the lyrics as mentioned before but that is totally subjective...