[joxyjojl]

Simple and kind, is this how you disguise?
Father and child, who do you despise?
Keep it cool, quit being a fool
Why won’t you already tell me the truth?
-----

CHORUS:

I want to be a part of your life
So hold me tight and keep me alive
Before tonight, just tell me that it’s all lies
Return to my side before midnight strikes
And don’t stay till daylight then bid me goodbye
Cus’ I wanna wake up right by your side
Yes that’s right, you’re my paradise.
-----
If play pretend was like counting to ten,
my life might get a little too bland
Don’t you mind cos I’m going to find
the reasons that you’re trying to hide
-----

CHORUS:

I want to be a part of your life
So hold me tight and keep me alive
Before tonight, just tell me that it’s all lies
Return to my side before midnight strikes
And don’t stay till daylight then bid me goodbye
Cus’ I wanna wake up right by your side
Yes that’s right, you’re my paradise.

-----
Oh I am crying and begging so hard
but you just stood there and feeling untouched
I pray that the last time I ask
will be the time we both share the same trust 
-----

CHORUS:

I want to be a part of your life
So hold me tight and keep me alive
Before tonight, just tell me that it’s all lies
Return to my side before midnight strikes
And don’t stay till daylight then bid me goodbye
Cus’ I wanna wake up right by your side
Yes that’s right, you’re my paradise.

[Paulski]

Hi joxyjojl and welcome!

Think you have a sweet piece here - what a great hook: "You are my Paradise"
If you are looking for suggestions, I would try to replace some of the (I'm not going to say cliché over-used phrases like "hold me tight", "I am crying", "begging so hard", "by my side" etc. I think you can make this much more interesting if you do that.. Also the chorus is really long compared to the verses - that can work but the music and arrangement has to be solid..

A good start on a fine lyric IMHCO
Paul

[GTB]

Hi Joxyjojl, (is that your car reg? ;-)

If this is your first post I am well impressed! I agree with Paul's comments (check his posts and you'll see he knows his stuff), I also think you should check out your rhyming too. There's no law that lines should rhyme, at least not all the time. Get the rhymes right though and you'll lead your listeners willingly where you want them to follow.
GTB

[Stan9007]

Hello, Joxyjojl! Like the lyrics you wrote! Nice idea! I look forward to hear the finished song!

Stan

[18 in the 80s]

Great lyric but needs to be trimmed down I think.

I think when writing lyrics there is an initial temptation to "write the emotion" instead of letting the singer express the emotion.

For example,

Oh I am crying and begging so hard

Could be

Oh I am crying and begging

And the next line

but you just stood there and feeling untouched

Could be

but you just stood there

There is also a change in tense there that needs to be aligned.   If the singer is crying and begging (present tense) then the antagonist needs to be standing there, not stood there.

The next two lines do make sense but I only understood if after reading through three times, so it's unlikely that a listener I'd going  understand it at first listen.  I found it confusing because "the last time I ask" sounds like an event in the past, as in "the last time I asked". There is also the excellent phrase "share the same trust", which would work extremely  well on its own,  but coming after the mental gymnastics required to follow what precedes it I don't think the listener will able to take it in.

I pray that the last time I ask
will be the time we both share the same trust  

I would prefer

I pray for a time
we share the same trust  

The are just my opinions and is no way a criticism as it's exactly the process I go through when fine tuning my lyrics.

Cheers

Paul