[PaulAds]

Friends on benefits

I've got friends on benefits
But they're hidden away from view
In case it shows that our system's
Catastrophic too

They earn your disdain
By staying in bed
And loafing around
for their daily bread

I've got friends on benefits
Who would love a living wage
Preparing them for poverty
At a pensionable age

They won't fight your wars
They won't sweep your streets
They're someone to blame
When history repeats

You can sacrifice your sanity
And escape the daily grind
For a pocket full of nightmares
And a welfare state of mind

INST

I've got friends on benefits
you wouldn't like to meet
You label them degenerates
and keep them off the street

I've got friends on benefits
You wouldn't care to know
You label them degenerates
And go on with the show

I've got friends on benefits
it's never going to stop
Unless there are less degenerates
Generating hatred from the top

I have a tune that I think is ok..so I managed to shoehorn these lyrics to fit.

There's a guy I know who's never had a proper job...he's a good lad, though.He's 47 now.

He's welcome to my taxes...at least he's not squandering it on bombs and surveillance and shit

[hardtwistmusic]

Good Lyric.  VERY GOOD in my opinion.  Very impressive to know when to quit too.  Just enough information, - not too much, and not too little.  Leaves us to create our own mental picture of who it's about, and to create our own story. 

[Neil C]

Paul,
Smart and snappy. I like they way you change the point of view around. Not sure you should repeat the degenerates in last line. Personally I would tried to find a way to come back and repeat the first verse at the end.
Look forward to hearing finish product.
 
Neil

[PaulAds]

Thanks, Verlon

You're right, Neil...that line shouldn't be repeated...it's just laziness on my part 

the song structure is currently a bit weird...I couldn't find an arrangement I was happy with...there are two verses then a middle 8, a brass section break, then a guitar solo and three choruses to end with. It feels like its wrong...but I dunno...I'll try to get a WIP up and see if I can get some more good advice.

Thank you!

[adamfarr]

Great stuff - "a welfare state of mind" - love that line.

Perhaps a bit of reordering of the sections could help e.g. brass section break should come in after "go on with the show" (or would that be too cheesy?)

The second last chorus seems a bit redundant as is - maybe you could do a change up (different metre, key change, half time, bossa nova feel) and base your middle 8 on that?

Love it so far though.

[shadowfax]

Real talent for lyric writing you have there mate...very sharp..
good job we spend some money on bombs and shit though or we'd all be speaking German..

best, Kevin

[PaulAds]

Ha ha...cheers, Kevin

Yes...Instead of speaking American

Not sure if we've managed to repay the loans we needed to buy the bombs with yet, either

Time for my tablet...

[Paulski]

Good stuff Paul - I love the benefits/degenerates rhyme and you stay faithful to your hook throughout.
Too bad you can't add in the part about your 47 year old friend - "bombs and shit" rhymes nicely with your hook too

Bet our bombs are bigger than yours. Oh wait, we don't have any big ones...

Paul

[Doodles]

The lyrics is fabulous. Great play on words, great subject matter and the sentiment is spot on. He's welcome to my taxes too... however those fine-wine quaffing, fine-dining, democracy-corrupting, nepotistic war-mongers live off them with my utmost scorn. I don't think it would get through the commercial filters of acceptance, but I don't think that's your aim either. Excellent stuff.

Not sure where you are up-to with the tune? A version popped up on Soundcloud with your trademark style and energy and a great little guitar solo, so sounds promising.

[PaulAds]

Aw, thanks, Ben...

Yeah...I just left it as it was and removed "WIP" from the title.

The structure was/is a bit odd...but it seems to work ok...

As you say, I doubt that Beiber's management are likely to be messaging me any time soon

Cheers!

[seriousfun]

Lovely lyric Paul. No nits here. A clever title, i just had to read this when I saw the title. Friends on benifits, i thought it was going to be about a promiscuous couple lol.

Lovely sharp lines that really keep things moving, not too wordy.

Kudos
Allan.

[adamholden]

Nice one Paul. This all works well except perhaps the opening and closing verses, which are not quite as strong. "In case it shows that ou systems's" and the way you repeat degenerates/generates in last verse. These could do with a tweak.

Also, I wonder how it'd sound changing the whole thing to "I've got a friend on benefits" (and all the knock on changes). Is that more powerful? Not sure. But given what you say in your notes, it might b closer to what you were thinking of. That said"friends on benefits" is snappy and a good title. So give the alternatives a try and stick with your gut!

Here are a few ideas.

V1
I've got a friend on benefits
But he's hidden away from view
In case he shows a system
That's stopped working too (or something like that) ...

V6
I've got a friend on benefits
You wouldn't like to  meet
You label him degenerate
To keep him off the street

V8
I've got a friend on benefits
And it's never going to stop
....

And now I'm stuck, because I want to use regenerates!

Anyway, this is good as is and I enjoyed reading it.

Best wishes, Adam

[DrSpooglemon]

I'm getting a Ska feel from this. I like it...

[PaulAds]

Thanks Allan, Adam and the good Doctor...

It's in "finished songs" if you want to have a listen to how it turned out...

Cheers!

[Stan9007]

Hi, Paul! I like it. Nice lyric! Hope to hear the finished song soon:)