konalavadome

Winter Love (Entry for the Winter Song Contest)

  • 12 Replies
  • 5794 Views

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

pompeyjazz

  • *
  • Stadium Tour
  • *****
  • Posts: 5668
  • pompeyjazz
« on: January 21, 2016, 03:54:10 PM »
Hi All,

This is my "Love song with a twist"

Entitled Winter Love, it's about the joys of e-dating

Will probably change the lyrics for the last chorus.

https://soundcloud.com/pompeyjazz/winter-love

Winter Love

She signed up – For a winter love
Any luck – She’d find a winter love
He is gorgeous, he is lovely, got a place in Abu Dhabi
I’m in love – Found my winter love

Please sign up – Find you winter love
Not enough – Your new special love
We think you can be so happy – Special kind of partner
We sell love – Not just winter love

She took off – Meet her winter love
High above – Special kind of love
But he didn’t want to tell her – He’s married with six children
In his flat – He’s your winter love

Please sign up – Find you winter love
Not enough – Your new special love
Didn’t know that she was heading
To a tower block in Reading
To find love – Not just winter love




CaliaMoko

  • *
  • Stadium Tour
  • *****
  • Posts: 3687
  • Strumming on the couch in pigtails
    • Late Bloomers Rock
« Reply #1 on: January 22, 2016, 03:58:35 AM »
I like the chord progression and the melody. It takes me back to the late fifties/early sixties. Reminds me of sad ballads like "Tell Laura I Love Her", "Teen Angel", and "Last Kiss". I'm a fan of the oldies. And songs that remind me of them.

I'm one of those people who has to be hit over the head with the obvious, so I don't understand what all the lyrics mean. But I get the idea, in general, the song is about someone having an affair with a married man?

I noticed a couple things I'm wondering about.

1. The line: "Please sign up – Find you winter love" (I see it in two places, I think). Is that correct as is or is it supposed to say "Find your winter love"?

2. I'm confused by the point of view--it seems to jump around a lot. Is that intentional? Examples:
She signed up...
I'm in love...
Your new special love...

First we're singing about "her". (Third person)
Then we're singing about "I'm (me)".  (First person)
Next we're singing about "you". (Second person)
And finally we're back to third person.

My confusion could easily be simply my inability to follow complex thought processes, but I thought I'd mention it.

If any of that contains something you find helpful, great. If not, no problem. I did enjoy the song.

Vicki

adamfarr

  • *
  • Stadium Tour
  • *****
  • Posts: 3166
    • SongEspresso
« Reply #2 on: January 22, 2016, 09:45:47 AM »
Love the feel and progression of this one. Lyrics very much in line with some of the 21st century downtrodden and exploited themes on this forum!

A couple of suggestions only:

- I felt "meet her winter love" needed to work better gramatically, otherwise it sounds a bit forced into the metre. "to her winter love" would be an (unimaginative on my part) solution if nothing else suggests itself.

- Line 3 seemed to have an internal rhyme sometimes but not always. I think this was a bit noticeable so if there were a way to make it always rhyme that might be a Good Thing.

- The chorus sounds very similar to the verses - not a problem but I would probably up the energy (instrumentation, drum pattern etc.) to bring us along.

- If you don't have a really different chorus, you could happily add a middle 8 if you wanted. At 2'58 where the synth enters could be a good point. Could be something e.g. suggesting that he does this all the time feeling guilty but getting away with it; someting more about the dating site not caring and taking her money anyway; something about her feeling gullible but knowing that she'll most likely do it again anyway... Not necesary but could add interest and a different perspective...

- Really liked the plaintive trumpety synth sound - can you get your hands on a more realistic sounding one?

In general sounds like a flyer though!

pompeyjazz

  • *
  • Stadium Tour
  • *****
  • Posts: 5668
  • pompeyjazz
« Reply #3 on: January 22, 2016, 11:50:35 PM »
Thanks so much guys for your comments.

I am so amazed that my five minute lyrics have been scrutinized so intensely but I understand why  :)

Basically she joins e-love or whatever, pays loads of dosh and ends up with a lying turd. End of story. Adam , I really wanted that synth to sound like a synth not a trumpet 🎺  man !!!

Cheers guys

John

adamfarr

  • *
  • Stadium Tour
  • *****
  • Posts: 3166
    • SongEspresso
« Reply #4 on: January 23, 2016, 07:26:51 AM »
Pompey - as they say in Portugal "he who criticises wants to buy", if you see what I mean!


pompeyjazz

  • *
  • Stadium Tour
  • *****
  • Posts: 5668
  • pompeyjazz
« Reply #6 on: January 23, 2016, 10:54:05 PM »
Hi Vicki and Adam. Just reading your comments tonight with a bit of time on my hands. Strange concept I know  :) Just to explain a little bit about the lyrics although I hadn't really analysed them myself ! First its the story, then its what she's saying to her mates then it's. The date site advertising blurb and so on.

Adam, a middle 8 is a great idea and it is in my head NOW  :) some lyrical tidied might well be in order but think mainly will stay the same. With regards to the V/C similarity, might do some work on change of arrangement.

Thank you both so much. I really mean that, its so important to have feedback that makes you think. Bon soir.

Pompeyjazz

DevyE

  • *
  • Solo Gig
  • ***
  • Posts: 257
« Reply #7 on: January 24, 2016, 10:31:36 AM »
Like the idea, some good suggestions made already for the lyric, not sure it has been mentioned yet but I'm not keen on "She signed up" in the verse and then "Please sign up" in the chorus, off the top of my head maybe something like "Entered her details" (if it fits  :)).

If you were looking for more ideas for a middle 8 or another verse maybe something along the lines about their interests matched on the site e.g cinema, theatre, travelling etc which could then be included as part of the big disappointment at the end.

Just some thoughts, look forward to hearing the finished song  :)

Viscount Cramer & His Orchestra

  • *
  • Stadium Tour
  • *****
  • Posts: 1560
« Reply #8 on: January 25, 2016, 05:55:49 AM »
Really nice melodies John which while they do hark back to an earlier era your vocal brings it forward to the late 70s again. What is it? maybe it's the unashamed English accent being to the fore and not in any way Translanticised.

The strong melody and the repeated hook of Winter Love didn't make me hunger for another part or a middle 8 or anything but if you do one it can't do any harm,can it?
Take it easy.

You can check my stuff out here. Mini-album getting bigger slowly. Free download if you're poorer than me.

Easy Life - Viscount Cramer

hardtwistmusic

  • *
  • Stadium Tour
  • *****
  • Posts: 3037
  • Central Oregon Sunset
« Reply #9 on: January 26, 2016, 01:57:15 AM »
I had a sense reading them that these lyrics were going to require music. 

I listened, and find that to be so.  I loved how the SOUND of the lyric supplemented and complemented the instrumental.  I wouldn't change a thing just because of that.  In this case, I found the vocal to be an additional instrument, and loved the feel of it without really wanting the lyrics to be anything but that additional instrument. 

Over time, if one never learned the lyric, this would still stick in the mind.  And if one did learn the lyric, it would be perfect for the song. 

Again, I don't think I'd change a thing.
www.reverbnation.com/hardtwistmusicsongwriter

Verlon Gates  -  60 plus years old.

pompeyjazz

  • *
  • Stadium Tour
  • *****
  • Posts: 5668
  • pompeyjazz
« Reply #10 on: March 11, 2016, 03:34:45 PM »
Thanks for all your great and helpful comments all. Much appreciated. I was going to change a few bits but stuck with my instincts and left it alone  :)

Cheers

John

PaulAds

  • *
  • Stadium Tour
  • *****
  • Posts: 3477
  • Haemorrhaging Enthusiasm
« Reply #11 on: March 11, 2016, 07:24:50 PM »
aarrgghh! i can't believe i haven't posted my comments on this one...sorry, John!

This was my top pick in the competition...simply because i love the tune more than any other entry...i'm a huge fan and i just love your singing.

I don't try to analyse stuff...i just love it or i don't...and i love this.


heart of stone, feet of clay, knob of butter

pompeyjazz

  • *
  • Stadium Tour
  • *****
  • Posts: 5668
  • pompeyjazz
« Reply #12 on: March 13, 2016, 12:00:54 AM »
Thanks so much Paul. I don't tend to analyze stuff as well. I just go for it as you do. Nice one bro. Of course I cant divulge who I voted for  :)

Cheers John