konalavadome

Harrietta #4 (updated) (Sweet Thief)

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diademgrove

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« Reply #30 on: January 25, 2016, 11:15:02 AM »
I've been meaning to comment on your lyrics but a heavy cold got in the way.

I thought the original chorus was far better than your latest re-write. I've made a couple of changes and removed the last line. I think they are very powerful and the chorus should finish on the hurt rather than the plea for her to return.


You sweet thief.
you stole my breath,
stole my heart,
stole all my thoughts,
and then you tore my world apart.

Feel free to ignore me if you disagree.

Keith

Classicvw

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« Reply #31 on: January 25, 2016, 12:08:24 PM »
Hey Keith

thanks for the feedback. You might be right. If i add too many 'stole' words, does it not sound too repetitive though? Thats what i'm scared of

diademgrove

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« Reply #32 on: January 25, 2016, 02:54:19 PM »
Hey Keith

thanks for the feedback. You might be right. If i add too many 'stole' words, does it not sound too repetitive though? Thats what i'm scared of

it depends on the singer, each "stole" reinforces the sweet thief message. The pay off line is sung louder in my head "and then you tore my world apart". I don't think three "stole" is too many.

Re-reading the pre I would change the "just want you back" line as it gives the pay off line away. If you take it away then its just another song about somebody falling in love.

The second verse would then have to explain why she left. You lyrics have huge potential.

Keith

Classicvw

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« Reply #33 on: January 25, 2016, 10:18:40 PM »
Hey Keith

I've removed the pre-chorus all together. didn't like it

you are right about the 'stole' words. Changed it back now

Thanks so much for the feedback and helping me out

Classicvw

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« Reply #34 on: January 26, 2016, 10:12:09 PM »
Updated again*