[Classicvw]

I think you're starting to have an idea. I like the new verse one, I think that's great!

On verse two, the last line could be..

"No one can ever compare you, honey"
I think it makes more sense (I think) than the last one. Then the rest of this verse it good

What do you think?

Verse 1 might sound okay, but is it singable? cause the syllable count on the last two lines of verse one is less than verse 2, if you get what i mean. the syllable count needs to stay close to each verse so the verses sound familiar to the listener. thats my issue. and i can't sing so i can't tell hahah.

It would have to be '........compares to you,honey' as im stating that no girl comes close to you kinda thing. If I change that line i'd have to change it to something completely different.

[KaelJay]

I suppose I have to agree. I don't know the melody would be, so it's hard for me. I think you may be right with that.

[KaelJay]

Dont look to hard in lyric form in all honesty they're just rearrangement of thoughts but i will say, don't throw away anything   

I may have to disagree with you, good sir. I think a more organized set of writing gives you a clearer mind of melody. Please correct me if I'm wrong. I would love to hear your say.

Mikael

Im sitting thinking but your organized set.

Whats you writing.

Hi Oldbutyet! I don't understand the question. Are you asking about my style of writing?

[Classicvw]

I suppose I have to agree. I don't know the melody would be, so it's hard for me. I think you may be right with that.

I'm more clueless. I've only started writing like 5 days ago haha.

[KaelJay]

The life of writing, my friend

[Oldbutyet]

Dont look to hard in lyric form in all honesty they're just rearrangement of thoughts but i will say, don't throw away anything   

I may have to disagree with you, good sir. I think a more organized set of writing gives you a clearer mind of melody. Please correct me if I'm wrong. I would love to hear your say.

Mikael

Im sitting thinking but your organized set.

Whats you writing.

Hi Oldbutyet! I don't understand the question. Are you asking about my style of writing?

No, this is the OP thread not yours.

[Classicvw]

updated again haha** please tell me what you think. i'm getting so much better

[KaelJay]

I think it's going to the good direction! My only concern is Verse #, the form is concerningly awkward with the 7 lines. I have an idea for it. It may change the whole structure.

It may be like..

Maybe this song is an explanation
of what I feel.
Maybe it is about letting you know
my love is real.             

Pre-chorus:
If the world was an art gallery,
you would be my Mona Lisa.
So please take me back, Harrietta
I want you to come back, please

I'm basically adding a line in the last part, but I separated the verse into verse then pre-chorus. What do you think?

[Classicvw]

hey man!

what do you mean by verse #? do you mean the number of lines in the verse? I think 7 lines per verse isn't too bad. Most of the songs im taking inspiration from contain 6-8 lines per verse anyway. As long as each verse can fit the words around the melody, it should be fine. Like when singing each verse, the melody in the singing should be the same if the syllables are roughly identical to each line of the verse. Do you think adding that extra line makes the singing off? or more difficult to sing? cause i don't have a clue haha. mathematically, to me, it could work. to a vocalist, maybe not. I don't know haha

Also, the problem with the pre-chorus is that the words need strict identical syllables to sound familiar. like you can get away with being off on the verse, but the pre-chorus needs to be exact, and my lyrics don't have the right syllables. This is what i mean....

last three lines of verse 1                   Syllables:

I’m fighting to regain that feelin’          9
To begin working on healin.                8
Why can’t I get you out of my head?    9

last three lines of verse 2

and don’t start thinking you are one of many     11       
no one even compares to you, honey.               10
Just can’t get you out of my head                     8

Do you see what i mean. Well i'm pretty sure the pre-chorus needs to be strict

thanks so much for your feedback

[Classicvw]

Updated*

[Classicvw]

Updated again hahah. top of page 1

[den]

I made a few comments and suggestions on the first draft of harrietta and looking at this version some time later I have to say you have come on leaps and bounds the last few weeks, I think all the things I would suggest have already been said, its been nice to see this grow.

[CaliaMoko]

I don't see your earlier drafts here, so I'll just respond to this on its own. My notes are in red inline below. I only marked a couple things. Do keep working on this. I think you can still improve it even more.

Vicki

Hey guys!

okay, this is my latest draft. please tell me if i’m going in the right direction or going backwards. Or any feedback in general. Thank you so much as well. you guys have been so helpful

Verse 1

Imagine a bird losing its flight,                 
or a bulb losing its light.
Cause that’s what it will be like
sleeping alone tonight.
I’m fighting to regain that feelin’
To begin working on healin.
Why can’t I get you out of my head?
Why are you so amazin?

Pre Chorus

My head wants to let you go.
But it’s so much easier said than done.
My heart’s saying no.
Just take me back, hun


Chorus

You sweet thief.
stole my breath,
you stole my heart,
stole all my thoughts,
then torn tore my world apart.
Please, I want you back


Verse 2

Imagine gazing a tropical shore,
or a puppy you adore,
cause that’s what it will be like
seeing your eyes once more. 
and don’t start thinking you are one of many     
no one compares to you, baby
Just can’t get you out of my head.
You are in my thoughts daily or "always". It doesn't rhyme, but it has a similar enough sound that I think it would work.


Bridge

Why can’t I take you by the hand
and kiss you like I did then.
Why can’t I grab your waist
and hold you close again.   


Pre Chorus

My head wants to let you go.
But it’s so much easier said than done.
My heart’s saying no.
Just take me back, hun


Chorus

You sweet thief.
stole my breath,
you stole my heart,
stole all my thoughts,
then torn my world apart. and "tore" here again, to be grammatically correct
Baby, I want you back
     

Verse 3

Maybe this song is an explanation
of what I feel.
Maybe it is about letting you know
my love is real.           
If the world was an art gallery,
you would be my Mona Lisa.
Oh I want you back, Harrietta
Harrietta please. My sweet thief


Outro

Harrietta (please)

Harrietta (please)               

Harrietta (please)

 


© Madison Romano 15 January 2016



(18/01/16)

hey guys!

so i've updated them again. Please tell me what you think. Does adding the extra line to each verse and chorus, stating the true meaning of the song, bring more depth and emotion to the Lyrics?

Thank you guys for helping me out so much


Verse 1

Imagine a bird losing its flight,                         
or a bulb losing its light.
Cause that’s what it will be like 
sleeping alone tonight.
I’m fighting to regain that feelin’
To begin working on healin.
Why can’t I get you out of my head?


Pre Chorus

My head wants to let you go.
But it's so much easier said than done.
My heart’s saying no.
Just take me back, hun


Chorus

You sweet thief.
stole my breath,
you stole my heart,
stole all my thoughts,
then torn my world apart.
Hurry and take me back.


Verse 2

Imagine gazing  a tropical shore,
or a puppy you adore,
cause that’s what it will be like
seeing your eyes once more. 
and don’t start thinking you are one of many       
no one even compares to you, honey.
Just can’t get you out of my head



Pre Chorus

My head wants to let you go.
But it's so much easier said than done.
My heart’s saying no.
Just take me back, hun


Chorus

You sweet thief.
stole my breath,
you stole my heart,
stole all my thoughts,
then torn my world apart.
Baby just take me back
      

Verse 3

Maybe this song is an explanation
of what I feel.
Maybe it is about letting you know
my love is real.             
If the world was an art gallery,
you would be my Mona Lisa.
Don’t get out of my head, Harrietta


Outro

Harrietta (please)

Harrietta (please)                  

Harrietta (please)


© Madison Romano 15 January 2016

[Classicvw]

Thanks so much vicki. I'll change the grammar corrrections. thanks for your feedback also

[Classicvw]

Verse 1
 
Imagine a bird losing its flight,                         
 
or a bulb losing its light.
 
Cause that's what it will be like
 
sleeping alone tonight.
 
I'm fighting to regain that feelin'
 
To begin working on healin.
 
Why can't I get you out of my head?
 
Why are you so amazin?
 
 
Pre Chorus
 
My head wants to let you go.
 
But it's so much easier said than done.
 
My heart’s saying no.
 
Just take me back, hun
 
 
Chorus
 
You stole my breath,
stole my heart,
you stole all my thoughts,
then tore my world apart.
Baby baby please, come back to me...
You sweet thief!
 
 
 
Verse 2
 
Imagine gazing on a tropical shore,
 
or a puppy you adore,
 
cause that's what it will be like
 
seeing your eyes once more.
 
and don't start thinking you are one of many       
 
no one compares to you, baby
 
Just can't get you out of my head.
 
You are in my thoughts daily
 
 
 
Bridge
 
Why can’t I take you by the hand
 
and kiss you like I did then.
 
Why can’t I grab your waist
 
and hold you close again.   
 
 
 
Pre Chorus
 
My head wants to let you go.
 
But it's so much easier said than done.
 
My heart’s saying no.
 
Just take me back, hun
 
 
Chorus
 
You stole my breath,
stole my heart,
you stole all my thoughts,
then tore my world apart.
Baby baby please, come back to me...
You sweet thief!
 
                       
 
Verse 3
 
Maybe this song is an explanation
 
of what I feel.
 
Maybe it is about letting you know
 
my love is real.                                             
 
If the world was an art gallery,
 
you would be my Mona Lisa.
 
Oh I want you back, Harrietta
 
Harrietta please. My sweet thief
 
 
 
Outro
 
Harrietta (please)
 
 
Harrietta (please)                                                                 
 
 
Harrietta (please)
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
© Madison Romano 15 January 2016
 
okay. so this is the finished product. I really don't think i can add more to this. But still feel free to tell me if its still not good enough.
Now i want to make it into a song. I need someone to make it for me, but how would i go about in doing this? I would do it myself but i have no recording equipment. I'm looking for a Acoustic pop melody for this song. Something like Ed Sheeran type of thing. Any Ideas?
 
thanks so much again guys