[CaliaMoko]

I wrote the original version of this song for a class assignment in a songwriting course I took a couple years ago. I recently took it back out and reworked it, put a little more time into it than when I was hurrying to get my assignment done. It didn't actually change a LOT, but I think the changes were important.

It's about the sky lanterns released by team members at the American Cancer Society's Relay For Life (RFL) events (at least in my area). They're paper lanterns a couple feet high. There's a flame inside that fills the paper "balloon" with hot air and makes it lighter than air. It's a fundraiser for RFL--anyone can buy one of the lanterns from the team selling them. There's a specific time set aside after dark, when the lanterns are lit and released. It's cool to watch them floating away in the dark sky, although I do wonder what happens to them when they run out of gas (or whatever the fuel is).

It does have a melody already, but I don't have a current version recorded yet. I'll post the link when I get that done. Meanwhile, you can listen to the old version here: https://soundcloud.com/caliamoko/sky-lanterns-lesson-6. (Most of the notes are correct. A few of the words are wrong. And it sounds like I'm in a race--it needs to be a little slower.)

Updated recording: https://soundcloud.com/caliamoko/sky-lanterns (added 25 Jan 2016)

Anyway, here's the current version of the lyrics.

SKY LANTERNS

VERSE 1
Time to light the fire, get ready to fly
Prepare to burn and light up the sky
Memories fill the breeze
Enchantment riding high

CHORUS 1
Sky Lanterns
Glowing as they scatter
Drifting through the sky

VERSE 2
Twinkling lights rise up, they float afar
And overhead they shine like stars
Memories on the breeze
Lanterns floating by

CHORUS 2
Sky Lanterns
Glowing as they scatter
Floating through the sky

BRIDGE
We stand and watch our mem'ries as they float away
Our hopes and sorrows shared and lifted today
Our mem'ries dance with ease, and set our spirits free
And we see

CHORUS 3
Sky Lanterns
Glowing as they scatter
Dancing through the sky

TAG
Dancing through the sky

[KaelJay]

I applaud your back-story of this song. It's more sweeter when you writing something from the heart. I notice that its similarity to your other lyrics. The melody's elements are also similar to your past songs. It's sounds the same to be frank. I don't see much new of a song structure and new lyric writing. Maybe mix up thing a bit.

[CaliaMoko]

Oops! Forgot to mention what I'm looking for in terms of feedback.

1. I wanted to give a little different feel to the movement of the lanterns in each repetition of the chorus. Drifting, floating, and dancing. I'm trying to move in a positive direction with the changes in words. I'm wondering if that works, or if it's too much and should be the same every time.

2. The "Glowing as they scatter" line was grueling. I started out with "Lacy, airborne patterns" but never liked it. I went through several variations before I "discovered" the "glowing" one. I know "patterns" is a better rhyme for "lanterns", but "scatter" has a similar sound, and I think it works. And the line fits my meaning better, I think. What do you think?

Thanks for taking a look. I'm looking forward to your thoughts.

Vicki

[CaliaMoko]

Hi Mikael,

Thanks for taking time to check it out. I assume you're comparing it to my "Keep the Fire Burning", right? It's true they both have the element of fire included. And I do have a habit of using pretty much the same strumming pattern, no matter what song I'm singing, so that probably has a tendency to make them sound somewhat alike. And both songs have a "feel good" theme, so that's another similarity and likely contributes to your finding them too much alike.

In any case, I appreciate that you took the time to read and listen. Thank you!

Vicki

I applaud your back-story of this song. It's more sweeter when you writing something from the heart. I notice that its similarity to your other lyrics. The melody's elements are also similar to your past songs. It's sounds the same to be frank. I don't see much new of a song structure and new lyric writing. Maybe mix up thing a bit.

[tomcrocus]

Hey Vicki this is really sweet,i wouldn't change anything about
it if i were you.I read the lyrics first and it all came together
when i heard the song,you've got a nice singing voice,melodic,
                                                                                     very nice,Tom.

[adamfarr]

I like this a lot. Particularly the way you have chosen words based also on their internal sounds and not just rhymes (though the rhymes work really well too I think). Adding melody to the words drifting, floating, dancing etc is effective too to paint the picture. It all works really well.

[CaliaMoko]

Thank you, TomCrocus and AdamFarr! Your words inspire me and help me believe I actually can write pleasant songs.

By the time 14 days have passed since my most recent post in the WIP forum, I hope to have this re-recorded the way I want it, which I think (hope I'm right) is better than the draft currently available on SoundCloud. It isn't a lot different, other than the changes in words already posted here.

Thanks again--I appreciate it so much!

Vicki

[CaliaMoko]

I posted an updated recording today at https://soundcloud.com/caliamoko/sky-lanterns. In case anyone wants to compare....

[hardtwistmusic]

Musically, here is my first reaction.   

1.  This is too "flat" to my ears, not enough musical variety.  To provide depth, there are several things you might try.
     a.  Do another line of music that mirrors parts of the existing but an octave higher and/or lower. 
     b.  I'm hearing too many notes.  In some of the parts (probably the chorus) take some of the lines of music, and use only full notes, or half notes and get rid of some of the quarter notes.  It won't change the flavor of the music, but will lend (imo) gravity to your chorus - (or wherever you choose to lengthen the notes.  I know it's a happy, bouncy kind of song, but some gravity somewhere in the song will emphasize that, and I don't think it would detract. 
     c.  Throughout the song in selected parts, take an additional instrumental line, and create compatible emphasis notes (consistent with the existing, but with emphatic type instruments (like jazz piano or other maybe some other strike type instrument) that are 1/8 note offset from the existing and used only in the "3 and 4" positions in selected measures.  This probably won't make sense, but if you are interested, talk to me about it and I'll show you.   


2.  To create even more variety, you can (not necessarily in this case "should" just "can) look for alternate timings on the vocal.  In other words, change the flow, by creating "silence" between the vocals to carry and emphasize.  Pauses (unexpected silence held a beat longer than anticipated) creates surprise and interest. 

I hope this helps.   Let me know if you have questions.

[CaliaMoko]

Hi HTM,

Thanks for taking time to listen and comment. I appreciate your input.

     a.  Do another line of music that mirrors parts of the existing but an octave higher and/or lower.

I do plan to add at least one vocal part, but it's slow going, as I'm learning how to use Reaper as I work. I'll get there eventually.

b.  I'm hearing too many notes.  In some of the parts (probably the chorus) take some of the lines of music, and use only full notes, or half notes and get rid of some of the quarter notes.  It won't change the flavor of the music, but will lend (imo) gravity to your chorus - (or wherever you choose to lengthen the notes.  I know it's a happy, bouncy kind of song, but some gravity somewhere in the song will emphasize that, and I don't think it would detract.

I don't want to lose my notes in the chorus, as they illustrate the floating and drifting of the lanterns. But I have, from the beginning, felt the song was a little too peppy and bubbly, so I would like to come up with some way to add the gravity, of which you speak (don't you love my rigidly correct grammar?!). I'll continue to think about what I might do about that.

c.  Throughout the song in selected parts, take an additional instrumental line, and create compatible emphasis notes (consistent with the existing, but with emphatic type instruments (like jazz piano or other maybe some other strike type instrument) that are 1/8 note offset from the existing and used only in the "3 and 4" positions in selected measures.  This probably won't make sense, but if you are interested, talk to me about it and I'll show you.

I do know what you mean, but that kind of stuff is for a future in which I have spent more time learning how to mess around with Reaper a lot more. I have no idea how to get other instruments in there. I pretty much know what loops are, but I really don't know how to use them, how to get them to do what I want. I'm taking baby steps. Today, for the first time, I used Reaper to record a scratch track and then used it to record a guitar track and then a vocal track. And in process somewhere, I lost a measure of sound, but I figured out how to copy another measure that sounded the same and paste it in. Next on my learning curve, I'll add more vocal tracks. And I need to learn how to manipulate the sound mix the tracks down to sound nice.

2.  To create even more variety, you can (not necessarily in this case "should" just "can) look for alternate timings on the vocal.  In other words, change the flow, by creating "silence" between the vocals to carry and emphasize.  Pauses (unexpected silence held a beat longer than anticipated) creates surprise and interest.

I'll set this one aside for now, until I spend time with the other ideas.

Thanks again!
Vicki