[Classicvw]

Hey there! im new to this site. Made some lyrics and would love some feedback on them! this is the first song i've wrote, first poem even. Im also dyslexic so im not so good with words.

I’m sorry for the signs that I’ve misread. I know you don’t like me nowhere near as much I need you.
You’re like a song stuck on repeat in my head. But the more it plays, the more I fall in love with you.
How do I tell you how I feel without sounding obsessive? Do you even believe me? Will you believe me after this song?
I know sometimes I come across as possessive. I have no right. When I’m not with you it feels wrong.

Why did you have to be so amazing! I can never look at another partner the same. I can’t sleep the same without dreaming about you. I can’t drink the same without thinking of you.
I’ve never experienced this feeling before. Why does my heart travel a million miles per hour when I see you? Why does my depression hit a new level when I’m not with you?

I always believed people who fall in love fast are naïve and stupid, but look at me now
I’ve known the love I have for you longer than the amount of time spent with you. But how?
It hurts when the person I think about the most is probably not even taking a second thought to me
I’m currently in a losing battle. I’m fighting for that feeling you gave me

Why did you have to be so amazing! I can never look at another partner the same. I can’t sleep the same without dreaming about you. I can’t drink the same without thinking of you.
I’ve never experienced this feeling before. Why does my heart travel a million miles per hour when I see you? Why does my depression hit a new level when I’m not with you?



I wish I could experience the taste of your lips again. I wish I could view the beauty of your eyes again
What else am I supposed to do? It hurts when I get rejected. But when I try and let you go, there are no words for the pain. What else am I supposed to do?
I don’t expect love, affection or commitment. I don’t expect you to have any feelings for me. You owe me nothing.
But I owe you everything for the feeling you gave me. this feeling I’m fighting to feel again. You are stunning.

Why did you have to be so amazing! I can never look at another partner the same. I can’t sleep the same without dreaming about you. I can’t drink the same without thinking of you.
I’ve never experienced this feeling before. Why does my heart travel a million miles per hour when I see you? Why does my depression hit a new level when I’m not with you?

Why do I flick through pictures of you? Why do I do it to myself when I know it will hurt?
The word beautiful is redefined when I see you. If the world was an art gallery, you would be my Mona Lisa
So please give me another chance Harrietta 

[/pre]

[Classicvw]

its not that good to be honest. its too long, sounds like a poem. like i said ive never wrote anything like this and im so bad with words haha

[mickeytwonames]

OK _ Your first song
So it's a brain dump - good start
It needs stripping down to find it's essence
Read it as though you were Harrietta and see if you would stand a chance.
The song is all about I -  i.e. - You
You have to engage the listener in a successful song
To do that you need to convey some universal truth

lastly - you ask lots of questions - I've done that in a song - sometime the audience will answer them for you - and not always in the best way.
Just sayin

[Classicvw]

Thanks so much for the feedback!! 

What do you mean by stripping it down to its essence?

Do you mean the lyrics is all about my love and feelings rather than the actual girl?

What do you mean by universal truth?

Thanks again for the feedback! Much appreciated!

[mickeytwonames]

What do you mean by stripping it down to its essence?
The lyrics are - word heavy. You seem to say the same thing more than one but in a different way. Stripping the song down is getting to it's basic message.

Do you mean the lyrics is all about my love and feelings rather than the actual girl?  You've written it in such a way that you're hoping for her to answer. Put yourself in her position and find out what you would feel if someone said those things to you - i.e Run a mile, throw yourself at them, laughs at them - etc.,

What do you mean by universal truth? Often songs that engage with an audience are about a shared human experience rather than a particular one
Hope that helps

[Classicvw]

Yes! That's helped massively! Thank you so much! 

[Classicvw]

Hi again. are you able to give me hints on what verses i should remove for me to replace with other lines? 

thanks again

[mickeytwonames]

Have another look at the WHY lines

[Classicvw]

check out harrietta 3. ive changed the whole thing alot. maybe im getting somewhere? thanks so much for your help by the way