[CaliaMoko]

Here's a song I've been working on. It doesn't want to come together nice, so I'm posting a link here for anyone who would like to take the time to listen and provide some feedback.

I like the melodies of the verses, chorus, and bridge; but they don't seem to come together quite right in my ear. The chorus sounds more like a bridge, I think. I've been looking at it and listening to it so hard, I'm starting to wonder if it's kind of like saying the same word over and over again. After awhile it won't sound right, no matter what. So I need more objective input than what I can provide for myself.

The back story is:

When I was much, much younger, like maybe junior high school age (in the 11-13 year-old range), a couple times I got very upset and ran out of the house (lived on a farm), down the yard to where an old boat was upside down on the grass next to a big old willow tree. There I threw myself on the ground, which felt warm and comforting, and let myself calm down in the dark (it was night). I liked the dark; it felt cozy and friendly.

The original version is on SoundCloud here:
https://soundcloud.com/caliamoko/sheltered-by-the-dark
Revised version is here:
https://soundcloud.com/caliamoko/sheltered-by-the-dark-revised

I'm no good at music production, but I at least figured out how to get a track recorded of me playing guitar and singing. I'd love to connect with someone who could make this sound really good.

Vicki

REVISED EDIT:

I would welcome feedback on my choice of chords, and how the verses, chorus, and bridge fit together.

SHELTERED BY THE DARK

Verse 1
When things get bad, too rough to bear,
And I am sure that no one nobody cares, ("nobody" fits the melody better)
I go running through the dark.

Verse 2
The night is clear; the moon is bright.
I feel no fear; I trust the night.
I'm I am running through the dark.

Chorus
My tendency is to hide from the world,
Because I am such a sensitive girl.              Okay, this is probably too weird.
The night is my oyster and I am the pearl      Pearl hiding in the dark in the oyster?
It's okay to run and hide,
But I have to come back inside eventually.

Repeat Verse 2

Bridge
Now I'm lying in the grass;
The earthy warmth is calming me.
And peace spreads through me like a blanket
Soothing me so tenderly, oh yeah.

Breezes moving through the grass
The gentle sound is calming me
And peace surrounds me like a blanket
Soothing me so tenderly, oh yeah.

Verse 3
When things get bad I love the dark; I'm not afraid.
The earth is warm; my sorrows fade.
I'm I am sheltered by the dark.

Chorus

Oh, oh, [repeat V3]

Tag
I am sheltered by the dark.
I am sheltered by the dark.

© 2016 Vicki M

[pompeyjazz]

Hi Vicki. The link does not work

John

[CaliaMoko]

Thank you for letting me know. I classified it as a private track, as the ones I've been going to listen to for others were private tracks. But if you're not logged into SoundCloud, it won't work. I changed it to public, so it should work now.

[pompeyjazz]

Hi Vicki. Got it now. I liked it. Good structure, lyrics and melody. Well worth persevering with

Cheers

John

[Viscount Cramer & His Orchestra]

Just briefly Vicki because although i did sneak a listen not  thorough enough to cover the song in depth.

The line you're unsure of. i don't have an exact word yet but yes blanket is obviously not right. What you need is something warm and soothing like 'bourbon' though that might not be appropriate for a young girl. Something like that perhaps....'a tonic'.

[CaliaMoko]

I just had a suggestion (from outside the forums) to use:
"And peace surrounds me like a blanket".

I was so focused on the word "blanket" as being the problem, it hadn't occurred to me to look elsewhere in the line. And actually, the full verse, as changed, might be

I hear breezes in the grass
The gentle sounds are calming me
And peace surrounds me like a blanket
Soothing me so tenderly, oh yeah.

rather than

Now I'm lying in the grass;
The earthy warmth is calming me.
And peace spreads through me like a blanket
Soothing me so tenderly, oh yeah.

I like this better for another reason: I hadn't been thinking about it, but I wasn't happy with line 2, either. I liked "lying in the grass", because in real life, that is how it actually happened. But I am okay with not stating that explicitly.

[CaliaMoko]

Okay, I've made several edits based on feedback received in and out of the forum. If you have the time and inclination to see if you think it has improved any, I'd love to hear it....  The updated recording is here: https://soundcloud.com/caliamoko/sheltered-by-the-dark-revised.

Vicki

[hardtwistmusic]

I really like this . . . but right now I have not time to offer suggestions.  Additionally, I want to wait and take a second listen after letting this "simmer" in my mind a little.  THEN, I can offer you some reasonably well thought out impressions. 

On a different note....  I LOVE your vocal and your voice.  Would you consider performing and recording a song for me that demands a female voice?   I have one in particular that I modified the lyric for so that I could sing it, but it's MUCH better with a female voice and the original lyric.