[victorvillero]

I wrote this months after Typhoon Haiyan struck our city.


Lazy Sunday Afternoon

Verse
Just one of those lazy afternoons
Well, I suppose
I could get by if you were here
Not much to do
Changing channels on the TV
Well, that'll do
As long as you are here with me

Refrain
Baby, can't you see?
That I can get over

Chorus
Lazy Sunday Afternoons
Lazy Sunday Afternoons
Lazy Sunday Afternoons

Verse
I do believe
that boring days can be okay
Coz only you can fill this lazy sunday space
Tell me that you feel
the same way that I do because
I know that there'll be

Chorus
Lazy Sunday Afternoons
Lazy Sunday Afternoons
Lazy Sunday Afternoons

Bridge
To tell you the truth,
All I want's to be with you
And I can't think of any reason
why I wouldn't want to

Chorus
Lazy Sunday Afternoons
Lazy Sunday Afternoons
Lazy Sunday Afternoons

Verse
Just one of those lazy afternoons
Well, I suppose
I could get by if you were here

If you were here
If you were here
If you were here

[CaliaMoko]

I'll start by saying I'm really picky and critical, so don't take it too personally. It's just me.

I'm having trouble envisioning how these lyrics would set to music. I can't discern the form of the poetry. To me it seems more like free verse style.

You said you didn't want to write something sad, but when I read this, it sounds like the singer is sad because his/her companion or love interest is absent.

And there is one verse that doesn't agree with the rest of the song. The song appears to be saying the singer is wishing "you were here" in every verse except the second one. To make it agree with the rest, I think the last two lines would need to say something like "Well, that would do, If only you were here with me."

On the plus side, I think the basic sentiment expressed by this song is a popular one and would appeal to many listeners, so I would keep working on it.

[KaelJay]

Hi Victor, this a good start of lyrics to put on.

Actually, I used to live in the Philippines (I was a Filipino from Cebu). That storm was a big one. Many people died in that. Thank God you survived the typhoon.

I think these lyrics are somewhat generic to many pop songs today. Many people would listen if it was pop-based, but I wish you would put some creativity in it. The structure of the lyrics is very-mixed up and disorganized. I would prefer something like...

Verse - Chorus - Verse - Chorus - Bridge - Chorus

I agree with Vicki that you wrote something sad, even though you said it wasn't. You may need to brighten it up if you want this to be happy.

I hope the feedback would help you on your writing.

Mikael

[mickeytwonames]

When I woz young boredom was an essential factor in getting you motivated. Lazy is chilling out.
The title worries me a little as there's a  classic by that name -

- just sayin.

[victorvillero]

Hello guys 

Thank you for those great feedbacks.

to CaliaMoko: Thanks for your feedback Now I can see where my mistakes are. Actually, I already set the chords for this song. Now I can make adjustments to it, thanks to you 

to KaelJay: Maayong gabii.  Yes, you're right this is somewhat generic; that's what I was rooting for, hence the employment of simple words.
The structure of this song is as follows: Verse-Refrain-Chorus-modified Verse-Chorus-Bridge-Chorus. I edited my post and labeled the lyrics. Thank you for your feedback, I'll keep it in mind.
I'm trying to experiment on different song forms and writing techniques, too.

to mickeytwonames: Oh..I didn't know it had a similar song entitled the same. Thanks for the tip 

Vic

[den]

I really don't think you can get away with this song at all. its mostly lazy sunday afternoon, which was a massive hit for the small faces, and, take that out you have nothing really.
on a brighter side I suppose you probably haven't heard that song at all, so perhaps its genius on your part.
and on saying that I would love to see other stuff you have written. cos if you haven't heard it you are definitely going the right way.

[victorvillero]

to den: I only got to hear the song when @mickeytwonames mentioned it. 

[den]

then carry on, knowing that if you can come up with stuff like this you are going the right way.
there is nothing worse than thinking you have come up with something so original, only to find that its been done before, but I think if you can come up with this, you have so much more to give.

[victorvillero]

Wow! Thank you so much.

Being in this forum will motivate me to better the art. I'll never stop writing songs...