[7Nanovirus]

Here's the following of "Cancer" that i posted yesterday, this one is about the actual break up that the protagonist has.

Heart failure :


After beating a whole life
After making me stronger
After being stabbed with your knife
And after this terrible failure

I just needed some medicines
That you chose not to give me
Because you stopped believing
In this love you couldnt see

When it all stopped and stood still
When i failed all i tried
When there was no blood left to spill
My heart commited suicide

It chose to give up the fight
A bullet of melancholy
Shot in its hope during the night
Leaving a stain on my dreams

When it all stopped and stood still
When i failed all i tried
When there was no blood left to spill
My heart commited suicide

When you left me alone
When all the love we had died
When I couldnt even moan
My heart commited suicide

My heart commited suicide...

[KaelJay]

Hi 7Nanovirus,

I think this is solid writing. I like you used the word "melancholy" in the lyrics. It had that deep yet sophisticated turn on the words. My problem was the phrase "my heart committed suicide". It felt too extreme to use, making it very dark. It felt like you ran out of rhymes. You could have write something like "fell subside" or "down slide" than wrote "committed suicide".

Good work all the way. Keep up the great work,

[mickeytwonames]

I'd like to see this parred down and really raw - think you could cut out some words in lines to make them flow.

the couplet
Because you stopped believing
In this love you couldn't see

I couldn't get on with. It seemed to be demanding far too much from someone. Just sayin.

[physicalscotch]

When it all stopped and stood still
When i failed all i tried
When there was no blood left to spill
My heart commited suicide

This part is just lovely. I like it because it has strength and power in it. A lot of meaning in such few lines.  Very good lyric in my opinion!

Best,
Jacob