[v8burble]

First ever song that I attempted to write and produce in GarageBand. Now written 8 from slow ballads to 80s pop and a real mix of things which I'll share when allowed(only one in 14 days I think is a rule) as they are just sitting around gathering virtual dust now! Although the basic lyrics come to me quite easily  I don't play any instruments properly so it's very painful recording guitar and keyboard/synth, pretty much one finger or simple chords, bar by bar, repeated until it sounds somewhat acceptable!).

Any thoughts on lyrics, song structure very welcome.
Can also critique my singing and playing but that's less valuable as I've no ambitions of being a singer or musician, but one day hoping to find some people to work with who require lyrics or any other input I can provide.

[Edited to provide link to the updated version of song, not the original version, which is still on soundcloud]
https://soundcloud.com/v8burble/get-out-new-version

This one is meant to be a duet with the guy first, girl second and then both singing the final two choruses but no friends have been willing to sing the girls part so it's just me.

[Guy]
Get out
Get out my life
I’ve had enough, enough of all the strife
I’ve waited for so long, you’ve asked me to hold on
But now I can’t cope any more

You’re gone
Get out my life
You know what’s wrong,  you’ve given me nothing right
I’ve waited for something, you’ve given me nothing
Any now I won’t take it again

What’s wrong
You knew this was coming soon
You had your chance but still did nothing new
I’m moving my life on, without you just holding on
And now I can be free again

Starting life again, Moving on today
Living once again, Enjoying every way
Forget what went before, I’m walking out the door
Turning back on everything you’ve given me before

[Gal]
Get out
You’ve ruined me
Spoiled everything, you touched, including me
I gave you completely, you spent my love cheaply
And emptied my soul piece by piece

You’re gone
And now I’m over you
It won’t take me long, to find love, I never knew
And each of your kisses, no love, just near misses
Will never touch my lips again

Starting life again, Moving on today
Living once again, Now I’ve found my way
Forget what was before, I’m walking out the door
Turning back on everything that’s ruined life before

[Guy and Gal together with harmonies]
Would it be enough, to try and change our ways
Would it even work, we’re running out of days
Now the love has gone, I’m stronger than before
I’m got my life again, now you’re walking out that door

It’ll never be enough, you’ll never change your ways
It could never work,  no matter how many days
The love we had is gone, I’m truly over you
And now from this day on – I’m through, we’re through

Written by Phil Stewart - July 2015

[pompeyjazz]

Hi - Nice song structure and lyrics, I'm not too sure about the scratchy guitar though. I'm afraid it's far too in your face. Bring that down a bit and you've got a good song.

Cheers

John

[v8burble]

Thanks for the feedback.

Absolutely right on the scratchy guitar - I have deliberately added so much distortion to hide the awful chords I have recorded! Hopefully I'll get the opportunity to re-record the guitar sections on all my songs with a proper guitar player one day.

This is by far the most brash song I've written so hopefully the more mellow ones might hit a better note.
Thanks,
Phil

[olivergearing]

Hey, really nice song.

I think your voice reminds me of either Cat Stevens or Gotye, can tell which!


Guitar sounds very noisy to me in some of the choruses. And the synth feels like its fighting with the vocals. Here is a suggestion:

Record the vocal alongside a simple guitar part, work on that hard until it perfectly fits together, then slowly add more instruments. This means you prioritise th vocal, and make sure it has space.

If you can clean up the backing track, this song will be awesome!

[v8burble]

I'll be delighted if I sound remotely like Cat Stevens or Gotye - thanks!

This was written many months ago and quickly got left behind by others (all as tracks on soundcloud if interested).

I think you are right that this one needs a grounds up re-record with more careful layering as this is really a result of a mishmash of instruments and layers added whenever I dipped back into the song for a few minutes.

I'll give this another workover in the weeks ahead and post any update although it was meant to be a duet so I'll still feel it's not really what I intended until I can find someone to sing the female part, which may never happen for this one.

Thanks for the feedback,
Phil

[den]

I'm not to sure it needs to be a duet, I heard it and that never once came into my mind, I think it works ok as a solo. agree with the others hate the scratchy bits and I think you could also lose a bit more in there, but aside from that, I was held all the way through with the melody, its all in there, yea I liked it.
regards den

[v8burble]

Thanks Den,
There surely comes a point when I need to take the feedback onboard.
The guitar has (rightly) been "hated" and described as scratchy, in your face and noisy - my best work

So, I've stripped the song back a bit to the version below
https://soundcloud.com/v8burble/get-out-new-version

(I do hope this is in keeping with the forum rules of posting only one song per thread, I assume people are happy to see updates - plz let me know if not and I can remove)
In any case I've kept the original link as well so that anyone that cares can compare.

Thanks for all the honest feedback,
Phil

[hardtwistmusic]

I also write electronically, and I understand how frustrating it is to have to try out so  many chord options.   

There are software that help with that.  Look up "Notation Composer" and other midi based composition softwares.  I use Notation Composer so it's the first one that comes to my mind.  It's neither better nor worse than the other options. 

And Microsoft Songsmith is a Chord Generator.  It's advertised as more than that, but generating suggested chords in a short time is really what it is good for.  It's a $30.00 download and REALLY cuts time out of the process while allowing you complete control over the chord selection.  (Doesn't Garage Band also have a similar Chord Generator?)  I had been told that it did.

As far as the song, I really liked it.  I didn't listen to the first version of it, but the last one you posted was very kind to my ears. 

BTW.... when you modify the song, the best way is to simply modify your first post and then leave a note in that post that you have removed the old version and replaced it.  That way, you only have one "posted song" in the thread, AND (more importantly) anyone who opens your thread knows instantly that there is a new version to listen to. 

If you have questions about how to do that, just send me a private message and I'll help. 

Good luck, and I hope this helps. 

[CaliaMoko]

I like your song a lot. I'm responding to your updated version. I noticed two little nit-picky things (I tend to be really picky--more than most, probably).

1. First verse of the "guy and gal harmonies". First line, I would change "and" to "to", so it would be "to try to change our ways".

2. Last line of the song: I would remove the word "now" so you don't have the word "now two times in a row". I think it works well if you say "from" sooner and hold it longer. In fact, I think it makes the line feel stronger. You have the word "now" in quite a few other places and could maybe eliminate some of them to reduce the repetition.

I notice you didn't sing one of the verses that's included in your posted lyrics. And I agree with that decision. I don't think that verse adds anything to the song.

Just some of my opinions; disregard if you don't agree. Hope it's a little helpful.

Vicki

[v8burble]

Verlon - thank you for the hints and tips. I've modified the original post now, as per your suggestion.

Vicki - thanks for positive feedback, pleased you liked the song and I'll look into the minor changes to lyrics when I record the next version.

Thanks everyone.
Phil

[Tom]

Hi Phil,

I love an attention grabbing lyric so felt compelled to respond, as you definitely have that.

Everybody else seems concerned with the production, so I will focus more on the lyrics, which I think are the important thing you want to get right in these early stages.

Couple of concerns:

I would watch out for inconsistencies in the story. E.g. The guy says "you've given me nothing", then a few lines later says he's "turning back on everything you've given me before". Which is it to be? I'm also not sure what it means to turn back on what someone has given you...?  He says at one point she was asking him to stay/keep trying, but according to her, the whole thing was miserable. Don't quite get that either.

the moment of wonder/reflection at the end (would it be enough to try to change?) doesn't quite work for me. I think you've gone too far down the road of hatred. Seems very unrealistic for a couple to go: I hate you, you ruined me, get out, you'll never touch me again.... Wait, What if we tried to change? .... nah! We're done. But that may just be me.

I get a sense this is not a true/personal story (correct me if I'm wrong). Whenever i write empathetically, using my imagination, I always find it very important to go back and really scrutinise your story for repetition (are u just making the same points in different words?) and logic.

It also took me several songs and a lot of criticism to understand that killer concept/hook/lyrics are EVERYTHING for aspiring songwriters. Anyone can come up with a melody and track (and that's what producers do anyway) it's The unique unforgettable lyrics and compelling stories that songwriters are supposed to bring to the table. So I'm surprised by how much everyone on this forum is focusing on production (I just joined - this is my second post)

Anyway, hope that makes sense and is somehow helpful.

Keep it up mate

Tom

[v8burble]

Tom,

Thanks for your excellent feedback. You are 100% spot on with comments regarding my lyrics although I don't quite share your opinion that lyrics are everything. Whilst I adore the likes of Bob Dylan and storytelling in music, I'm also a sucker for a big melody and pop tracks where the lyrics may be nonsense. That said, I do value lyrics and want to be in the former camp so the criticism is warranted.

This isn't a true story and as I was just starting with writing a song I was just keen to get something down in minimal time so got the lyrics and 70% of the melody down in a few hours and never went back to re-address the lyrics. The inconsistencies in the story also bothered me, but I wanted to get feedback before deciding if it warrants revisiting... which I think it does now.

Thanks. Very helpful and enjoy the site.
Phil

I would watch out for inconsistencies in the story.
...
I get a sense this is not a true/personal story (correct me if I'm wrong). Whenever i write empathetically, using my imagination, I always find it very important to go back and really scrutinise your story for repetition (are u just making the same points in different words?) and logic.

[Tom]

Hi Phil.

It's rare you'll find a hit song with truly nonsense lyrics. At the very least they will normally use very interesting turns of phrase, novel imagery, great rhymes, or just be very singable (ooh aahs & woh wohs are also very effective in the right place at the right time).

You're my wonderwall (wtf is a wonderwall? I don't know, but I knew I'd never forget it the first time I heard it)

Ive submitted over a dozen songs to ASCAP and NSAI song critique services and  their feedback occasionally references the melody/music, but  always focuses very heavily on lyrics. One wrong word in the wrong place, or one sentence that doesn't build on the story, will just throw the whole thing. Just passing on the advice.

Cheers

Tom

[v8burble]

thanks again Tom.
Hope my last reply didn't come across as a thanks but no thanks.

Great advice if I am to take this seriously at all.
Phil