[hardtwistmusic]

The verses are brand new.  The chorus is an aborted song from 2008 that was dramatic but just didn't have enough variety to carry a whole song.  As I envision it right now, I'll keep the 2008 music for the chorus and write new music for the verses.  So it will be a true Rhapsody.  

I'm totally open to suggestions on the verses.  The chorus is so intrinsically tied to the music that I'm less likely to consider suggestions there unless they also fit the music.  

"Leave My Heart Alone."  

Go ahead and try to break my heart,   --    If you believe you can.  
Come on baby, do your worst,    --   you just don’t understand.  
My heart’s tougher than saddle leather,   --   dipped in molten sin.  
Don’t go messin with a heart   --   til you know where that heart’s been.  

And mine has been to Hell and Back, then done it all over again.
No quarter asked.  No quarter given.  My heart don’t say “when.”  

I don’t know what your Momma mighta told you.  
I don’t care what your Daddy mighta said.
If you go playing my heart like a yo yo,  Don’t be sure you’ll be comin out ahead.  
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.  
If you intend to break it,  better leave my heart alone.  
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.  


You can try to break me babe, but here’s what you don’t know.  
There’s no place you could take my heart  --  that it's afraid to go.
My heart’s fearless, my heart’s brave.   --  My heart’s not afraid.  
It’s hard for you to understand the debts that it has paid.

You know, it's been to Hell and Back, then done it all over again.  
Been smashed and broken many times, and it can stand the pain.  

I don’t know what your Momma mighta told you.  
I don’t care what your Daddy mighta said.
If you go playing my heart like a yo yo,  Don’t be sure you’ll be comin out ahead.  
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.  
If you intend to break it,  better leave my heart alone.  
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.  

So come on baby do your worst, just give it your best shot.  
My heart will take what you dish out.  A coward, my heart’s not.
Kick me hard if you kick me at all, my heart will not  stay down.  
Like a Kevlar vest on Superman, it's the toughest thing around.      
 
It's been to Heaven, and it's been to Hell.  Now, my heart’s made of steel.    
You know it's felt most everything a heart can bear to feel.  .

I don’t know what your Momma mighta told you.  
I don’t care what your Daddy mighta said.
If you go playing my heart like a yo yo,  Don’t be sure you’ll be comin out ahead.  
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.  
If you intend to break it,  better leave my heart alone.  
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.  
 

[Royston]

Hi Verlon

I've read through the lyric two/three times this comes to mind to me as a country style song I like the idea/theme but do think the verses need a bit of tweaking and suggs for part of line 2 in the chorus could be (I'm sure or I know you won't come out ahead) other than that I enjoyed the read and look forward to hearing the end result good luck with this.

Cheers

Royston
 

[Paulski]

Hi Verlon

Although "break my heart" has been done to death I think this is still pretty good.
You've got some fresh inventive lines in there like " dipped in molten sin" and "There’s no place you could take my heart  --  my heart’s afraid to go".

My only nit is the word "heart" is a bit over-used. Maybe replace "heart" with "it" a few times?
For example "my heart can stand the pain" could be changed to "it can withstand the pain".

Looking 4ward to hearing it
Paul

[hardtwistmusic]

Hi Verlon

I've read through the lyric two/three times this comes to mind to me as a country style song I like the idea/theme but do think the verses need a bit of tweaking and suggs for part of line 2 in the chorus could be (I'm sure or I know you won't come out ahead) other than that I enjoyed the read and look forward to hearing the end result good luck with this.

Cheers

Royston
 

Verses are "country" (sort of) but the chorus is 50s Rock and Roll.  Should be interesting if I pull off the Rhapsody effect right.

[hardtwistmusic]

Hi Verlon

Although "break my heart" has been done to death I think this is still pretty good.
You've got some fresh inventive lines in there like " dipped in molten sin" and "There’s no place you could take my heart  --  my heart’s afraid to go".

My only nit is the word "heart" is a bit over-used. Maybe replace "heart" with "it" a few times?
For example "my heart can stand the pain" could be changed to "it can withstand the pain".

Looking 4ward to hearing it
Paul

Interesting that I never noticed that.  THAT is exactly why this forum is so valuable.  (or at least one of the reasons.  Thank you. 

[Vintage54]

    Hey man!
        This is not up to your usual standard, but it still makes the grade. Just a grade or two lower. The fourth line is the standout. The no no no's don't work on the page for me, though they may work in song. It's would be fine, coming from someone else, but not from you. Too many hearts, not enough diamonds.

                                  Vintage54

[hardtwistmusic]

    Hey man!
        This is not up to your usual standard, but it still makes the grade. Just a grade or two lower. The fourth line is the standout. The no no no's don't work on the page for me, though they may work in song. It's would be fine, coming from someone else, but not from you. Too many hearts, not enough diamonds.

                                  Vintage54

The "no no no's" are there because (as you guessed) they work with the music.  I can see they don't work on the page.  The chorus on this one was "music first, lyric second."  

BTW... one of the best things that happens here is that people will tell me/you/us what we NEED to hear instead of just what we want to hear.  Of course, we only do that for people we respect enough to know will WANT the truth.... so telling me the truth is a sign of respect. 

I gratefully accept your respect and criticism.  I'll keep working on this too. 

[hardtwistmusic]

Hi Verlon

Although "break my heart" has been done to death I think this is still pretty good.
You've got some fresh inventive lines in there like " dipped in molten sin" and "There’s no place you could take my heart  --  my heart’s afraid to go".

My only nit is the word "heart" is a bit over-used. Maybe replace "heart" with "it" a few times?
For example "my heart can stand the pain" could be changed to "it can withstand the pain".

Looking 4ward to hearing it
Paul

I've gone through and "un-hearted" a bunch of lines.  I'm pretty sure it makes this a better lyric.

[olivergearing]

Hey Verion

I first read this a couple of days ago, but couldn't write my thoughts due to crappy iphone interface, anyway, back again and I can see that you've made some adjustments.

I think the reductions in "heart" have worked, they certainly don't stick off the page as much, and I believe you might have tweaked the superman line.

For me, verses 2 and 3 are the strongest of the three, I think they scan well and can imagine them with a melody. Verse 1 is probably slightly under par when compared to them. I feel that the line "pretty sure you can't" is probably the weak link. In this song the protagonist is a strong person that has shades of superman, or cowboys, so I would expect more certainty from them.

Perhaps something like "and if you think you can", sends out a challenge and gives the next line the strength that is running through the rest of the song.

Love the second half of the verse though.

If you're still not loving the Superman line, I think it would be very easy to find a good analogy to replace it with. How about something that is more akin to the "molten sin" or "saddle leather" might then feel like a better fit with the track

Look forward to hearing the end result!

[tomcrocus]

You've got me all mixed up now Verlon because i'm getting the blues,
you may have wrote a song in a few genres but i hope it is 50s rock n roll,
                                                                                                       Tom.

[PaulAds]

Hello Verlon

Personally, I think it'd be more logical to have the "I don't know"s come before the "I don't care"s

You will nail it anyway, I've no doubt

Ps once, at school, a teacher said to me

"you couldn't care less, could you?"

And I said

"Ask me tomorrow"

...I sure miss corporal punishment...

[hardtwistmusic]

You've got me all mixed up now Verlon because i'm getting the blues,
you may have wrote a song in a few genres but i hope it is 50s rock n roll,
                                                                                                       Tom.

Hi Tom:   The chorus is totally 50s Rock and Roll.  The verses will be country-ish. 

[hardtwistmusic]

Hey Verion
I feel that the line "pretty sure you can't" is probably the weak link. In this song the protagonist is a strong person that has shades of superman, or cowboys, so I would expect more certainty from them.

Perhaps something like "and if you think you can", sends out a challenge and gives the next line the strength that is running through the rest of the song.

Thank you Oliver.   I loved your suggested change and used it.  You are totally right.  It elevates that whole first verse your way. 

[hardtwistmusic]

Hello Verlon

Personally, I think it'd be more logical to have the "I don't know"s come before the "I don't care"s

You will nail it anyway, I've no doubt

Ps once, at school, a teacher said to me

"you couldn't care less, could you?"

And I said

"Ask me tomorrow"

...I sure miss corporal punishment...

I LOVE "Ask me tomorrow."  ;o)   

And I took your advice on the sequence of the "don't know, don't care"s.   

Thanks for an excellent catch. 

[Arkwright]

I always get excited when you post new stuff Verlon buy this one has me divided in afraid.

The verses are outstanding and unlike others, I have no problem with the overuse of 'heart'.

Unfortunately the chorus just didn't do it for me. I've read it several times and still can't get excited by it. The verses are so clever the chorus just let's them down. There's nothing unique about it and feels at odds with everything else.

Sorry if I've come across as over critical but i just think you're so much better than that chorus.