[PaulAds]

cheers, Kevin!

i'd hit a wall with this one...so that little nudge might just have lifted me out of my songwriting coma for long enough to dredge up a middle 8 and a slight re-working...hope to get some work done on it at the weekend.

much appreciated

[olivergearing]

Hi Paul,

Interesting lyrical ideas, which I think work really well. The pattern of the lyrics is the same throughout the song, and actually lends itself to your melodies that you've come up with. I wouldn't worry about that, if you've ever listened to Dire Straights, he gets away with simple melodies and beautiful lyrics.

However you find yourself writing a song is the right way for you. Enjoy the process, and learn from it, we can always improve.

Perhaps a simple way to bring some more interest to the chorus might be to add a longer counter-melody, perhaps with a female vocal. Maybe ooh or ahh sounds, or other linger syllables that would make the song feel more complete.

Other than that, keep it as I, I enjoyed it...

[PaulAds]

Thanks for taking the time to help out, Oliver...very kind of you

[mondobongo]

I really like the rhythm guitar part here it's a bit Doobie Brothers/Barclay James Harvest type dance rhythm. It seems a bit upbeat for the lyrics but contrasts really nicely with the chorus. In fact it emphasises the chorus very nicely. Nice guitar solo.

The lyric is very good especially the memorable chorus. I like the last one with just the 16th hats and the single strum of the guitar. This one suits your voice very well (or vice versa). The song still works even if you can't see that grim is in fact Grimm.

The only thing I would say is that I wasn't clever enough to work out the revelation in the last verse until the second listen when I saw the image on SoundCloud.

[igg]

Hi Paul,

I've listened to this a couple of times ....each time wanting to comment....but coming up with nothing useful...
So this is what I've got....
Musically, an excellent urgent groove, terse and full of energy....
Lyrically, a string of great four liners...  each works well independently...
I would approach it ..... musically every eight bars release the tension in some kind of arpeggiated major  or suspended chord stretched out texture...Let the song breathe out...

But I think, you haven't finished thinking through the arc of how you want the character to emerge from this state....  The last verse seems like a a cop out....that requires all kinds of specific pop cultural knowledge from the listener.  The song sounds like much more universally appealing existential dilemma , but you have to create the arc for the character to travel.... I'm not sure where it will end up.... let the character speak to you of his despair or redemption.....

Sorry a little long winded...but that would be my process...

I really like what you've got and just a little nudge and it will sing itself....!!!  I love the soundscape...

[PaulAds]

thanks for everyone's help...i've added a middle 8 and moved it across to finished songs...i'll lock the thread