[physicalscotch]

Hi Everyone. My name is Jacob and I became a member of this forum today and this is my first post.

Sometimes I write because it's the only channel for me to express my feelings and thoughts. For quite a while I have been ill. Thoughts and feelings chases my mind every minute of the day. I thought it would help me if I share some of my thoughts with people.

I call this set of words "The tigers tail".


'Cause my infected mind cannot see,
are the flowers still alive or does things
just move less dynamically?
If bright black suns and lakes of blood
are the only things I can see, then I
think my brain has failed me.

I try to figure out why all my impressions
are filtered through this distorted lens.
Now I've realized that the more I try,
the weaker I get, and in the end, even
heaven and hell makes sense.

"Grab the tiger by the tail", the Devil said
to the infected mind. "Hence, you can
never let go until the beast dies." With iron
claws it did as told, and all the sudden
you realize that you're covered in stripes.

When the fear is right upon myself, as
clear as the order of the encyclopedia on my
shelf. I try to reason to the conscious part
of my mind, that all of this terror can be
left behind.

[hardtwistmusic]

"Grab the tiger by the tail
the devil said to the infected mind." 

WOW... that line is genius. 

I could not read this and not tell you that. 

But the first thing I SHOULD HAVE SAID is "review and comment before you post songs." 

Be a participant here instead of just a recipient. 

We have had a huge surge lately in people who come here, post a song, and expect to GET attention without GIVING any attention. 

They come, they demand attention, then they go. 

I hope you are here to be a partner and participant in the critique process.  If not, in spite of the talent that came up with perhaps the most memorable line I've heard/seen in years, nothing good will come to you. 

Good things come TO you in a group only if good things also come FROM you. 

Okay.... lecture done. 

I hope you become a participant and develop your very, very, obvious talent. 

[hardtwistmusic]

Thank you hardtwistmusic.

I will be a participant of this community, I promise you that. I have read a couple of posts here but I wasn't a member then so I couldn't comment.

I don't consider myself as a writer, therefore it is hard for me to tell if something is good/bad or whatever. At least I will try to give people feedback on their words. I am also a little bit into music and will check out that thread to.

I'm sorry if it seemed that I just wanted to post something so people could give me feedback, that was never my intention.

Best regards,
Jacob

You have obvious talent.  You ARE a writer.  You will become a more polished and accomplished writer through this forum. 

It's really good to hear that you came and listened/read before posting. 

Don't be afraid to criticize.  It's the purpose of this forum.  And don't think your opinion isn't "expert" enough.  You (at a  minimum) know what you do and do not like.  Express that.  We all need to hear as many opinions as possible. 

Good luck.  And later today, I'll give your lyric a complete critique with (what I hope are) helpful suggestions.   

[Paulski]

Hi Jacob and welcome

You have a lovely poem here with lots of great double-meanings and imagery.
If you are wanting to make this a song lyric, I suggest you study a bit about song structure and layout. What will be your verses and your chorus? Is there a bridge, a lift (key change). I think Verlon has pointed out a possible hook/title. I found this section a little confusing:

With iron
claws it did as told, and all the sudden
you realize that you're covered in stripes.

You are talking about the mind at first, then "You" - maybe that could be clearer.

Hope this doesn't sound harsh - like HTM says you've obviously got talent!
Paul

[Vintage54]

     Hey man!
        There's music in silence, and there certainly is in this. Original, and moving. Keep coming back and finding hidden treasures. Sinking in slowy, but sinking in for good. I won't forget this one, it's an impressive opener. Don't know how bad your illness is, or if your'e on the mend. But if you need a friend, you'll find plenty on here with this kind of writing. You got one right here.

                                Welcome
                                    Vintage54

[tomcrocus]

Hello Jacob i hope you're okay,
                                           yeah this is a really impressive opener,
it's very very dark apart from the last line but in a good way.
don't worry about giving feedback,your voice is as strong as everybody else,
just take your time and let it happen and hopefully you'll come to enjoy it,
                                                                                                      best wishes,tom.