[joxyjojl]

Don’t let go, embrace me
Keep me close and hold me tight
Because that’s what mothers do with all their might
Would you stay behind if I told you to stay that night
Or leave me aside for your own to survive
----
CHORUS:
In your diary, I am your history
I am fiery that I am no longer your worry
It’s all so blurry because we were once family
Tell me mummy tell me you still want me
-----
Don’t worry about monetarily
There is no need for bravery
All I need is your accompany
Cos that’s all it takes to make me happy

I want you to stay with me as I don’t get to see you daily
But when I do it feel so cold cos you treat me like I’m an expired espresso
----
CHORUS:
In your diary, I am your history
I am fiery that I am no longer your worry
It’s all so blurry because we were once family
Tell me mummy tell me you miss me
----
Now I see you’ve begin a new life
With a new family of your choice
Holding inside a world of cries
Waiting for you to bring me back to life
Tell me mummy, tell me you want me, tell me you miss me, tell me you love me
So I can survive

[igg]

Hi,

I like the emotion and directness of this a lot.... 
The childlike and unguarded tone really lets me feel for the character...... much more so than the standard "woe is me" format.  The music will dictate if the line form has to change around a bit....but the song has real heart.... Excellent!!!

igg

[Vintage54]

       Hello!
         This gets off to a flyer, love the opening 2 lines. But after that, it loses it's way. The structure is odd, and i'm struggling with flow. Five lines, chorus four, four again, then two, chorus, then six to end. Needs sorting for me. Also "Mummy" not keen on that, needs an alternative. Line 3 is poor, and line 2 of the chorus, is baffling. Lines 1 and 3 of the second verse, also don't make sense. I'm sorry if i'm coming across as harsh, i hate being critical. I feel where your'e coming from with this, and i'm not unmoved. I just think, with a little more thought, and tweaking, this could be a whole lot better. But you have potential, no doubt about that, hope i didn't discourage you.

                                  Vintage54

[den]

if I am honest, I like the idea of the song, its very original, but I could never imagine watching anyone sing this with the lines mummy, only by a child and yet the lyrics refer to someone much older.
if you wanted to keep it in the context of someone losing there family, why not change the theme to lost the ones I loved.
I would try to keep it on that theme, otherwise it just becomes another boy loses girl love song.
there was something in the original I think you should keep, will like to see this one again.