Some advices for a song called " Be My Sword"

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yvonne13236

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« on: November 04, 2015, 01:13:57 PM »
Hi. I am currently writing a song called Be My Sword. Originally I named it The Suspect Song. It's about a wronged suspect who is on the run , all alone in a forest. He misses his family and wonders if his lover/wife believes that he is innocent.
I am new to songwriting so I want to ask for some advices. Are there any new ideas I can add into this song or any improvement on rhyming?
Thank you~

                                                         Be My Sword
Verse1
Are you making a cup of tea,
While my girl’s dancing on her feet
Have leaves in our garden turned green
Or they died and wept for me

Are you sitting at home and
Looking out the window
Thinking about the day
When they put me into the cage they built

Pre-chorus1
I got the freedom, but if it’s not with you, I still feel so locked.

Chorus
Will you be my sword
When it’s all over
Can you feel my heart beating
I think it’s the ending
Together we fight this battle
And escape to a place where no one will find us at all

Verse2
I broke the chain when it rained
I broke the handcuff with blood all over my hand
I ran into the forest where there were only wind and shadows
Screaming out my name, pushing me back

Pre-chorus2
I got the air, but when it’s poisoned, I feel so dead again

Chorus
Will you be my sword
When it’s all over
Can you feel my heart beating
I think it’s the ending
Together we fight this battle
And escape to a place where no one will find us at all


Bridge
Tell them the truth they want to hear
Tell them they’re so right, as long as you’re alright
As long as deep down you know I ‘ m right
Point the directions for them
Tell them what horse I take
As long as you’re not hurt
As long as you believe we’ll be together

Chorus
Will you be my sword
When it’s all over
Can you feel my heart beating
I think it’s the ending
Together we fight this battle
And escape to a place where no one will find us at all


PaulAds

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« Reply #1 on: November 07, 2015, 09:26:59 AM »
Hi Yvonne

Welcome along!

Thanks for posting :)

There is plenty of pretty good stuff in here...but I wonder if "be my sword" is the best title/hook...is it about eventually taking revenge, or being protected by the sword?

I'd definitely open with verse two instead of one...much stronger and would draw the listener in far better.
I'd also perhaps try to develop more of that power and drama and continue the theme into a new second verse.

Please keep posting any updates/developments...there are some great writers on here who can help :)

den

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« Reply #2 on: November 24, 2015, 12:59:13 AM »
I think its coming together ok, I wouldn't worry about rhyming to much, you can do that in the vocal where the sound can be the rhyme, nice storyline, perhaps you can substitute be my sword with, be by my side, be my strength, be with me, so much you can do with this.
if you are going to update this, I would certainly read it again.