[Soul Punk]

Keeping up my shorter but more precise lyrics recently
I'd like to post my latest called 'Blessed Tink'
I'm unaware of everyone's slang but the word 'Tink' is Glaswegian for tramp
Hope you enjoy

Blessed Tink

My Grandfather said he saw a car once
when he was a young boy without a worry
now they are everywhere so he says
he asked me 'What's the damn hurry'

No, there won't be an angel
magistic gypsy or blessed tink
just let the world take a few steps back
maybe then we can think about it

Young men with planets on top of shoulders
they don't listen because they know better
now that they are stuck in some trouble
they reach out open hands to those who love them

No, there won't be an angel
magistic gypsy or blessed tink
just let the world take a few steps back
maybe then we can think about it

Lady feels that she's become unnoticed
while she was watching a husband imagine
himself with an exotic beauty for him to hold
forgetting the lady had a beautiful mind of her own

No, there won't be an angel
magistic gypsy or blessed tink
just let the world take a few steps back
maybe then we can think about it

[Mr.Chainsaw]

Much better mate! You've been strict with yourself structure wise, and it shows.

Second verse stood out most to me. That image of Atlas with the worlds on his shoulders...I know a few guys taking their GCSEs. The work load they have is insane. Made me think of that straight away

The "so he says, he asked me..." part In the first verse; is that a typo? If not it doesn't make a whole lotta sense grammaticaly.

My only suggestion would be in your chorus. Tink and think have a stronger rhyme than tink and it. I'd fiddle with that last line a little

Cool stuff man. You're getting more lyrical as opposed to poetical with every post

Peter

[nooms]

SP,
great lines..

in the last verse, its message is perfect but the lines seem a little .... awkward

would this help ( might screw up your head rythm ..)

'lady feels she's unnoticed
and watches her husband imagine
an exotic beauty to hold
when the lady has a beautiful mind of her own'

maybe not...pay no attention SP,
i enjoy your writing...
nooms

[Soul Punk]

Thanks guys

I really appreciate your support and am glad to take your advice
It's clear your advice has made me a much better songwriter

Although always had good ideas but I'm chuffed this forum has allowed me to grow

Any more opinions?

[Songsmith]

Hi,
    good lyric this but I would like to hear you perform it to get the feel & rhythm of it