[Paulski]

It was music first on this one so hope to record soon.
My (probably misplaced) view is the further away the rhyming couplet is, the less it has to rhyme.
So flames/thing works in my twisted brain.
Any nits before I hit "Record"?

Life Is A Fleeting Thing

We're born into this life
We get old, and then we die
And there's hardly any time between
We learn to sing a song
Then it's over, and we're gone
Life is such a fleeting thing

From one to ninety-two
All the candles we go through!
Thinking treasure's buried in the cake
By the time of our demise
We've got pennies in our eyes
Life is such a fleeting thing

{bridge}
How will the world remember you?
The things you say?
The things you do?
Will you be kind?
Will you be cruel?
It's up to you
It's up to you

{spoken}
We're born into this life
We get old, and then we die
Life is such a fleeting thing

{Instr. half bridge}

Will you be kind?
Will you be cruel?
It's up to you
It's up to you

We're born into this life
We get old, and then we die
Life is such a fleeting..
I think it bears repeating..
Life is such a fleeting thing.

[Bernd]

The verses are cool.

What you call "bridge" doesn't work for me, though:


How will the world remember you? => that would be 'me' or the generic 'you' (one)
The things you say? => who is meant here? If it's the dead it should be past tense (said, did...).
The things you do?
Will you be kind?
Will you be cruel?
It's up to you => from here on it could make sense again even with the way I interpret the lyrics.
It's up to you

This is how I (would) see the stanza:

How will the world remember you?
The things you said?
The things you did?
Have you been kind?
Have you been cruel?
It's up to you
It's up to you

But, of course, you might have had something entirely different in mind...

[philbee]

I agree with Berndt on the Bridge.

I'm not crazy about the lines I've highlighted in the 2nd verse.

From one to ninety-two
All the candles we go through!
Those wishes going down in flames
When it's time for our demise
We've got pennies for our eyes
Life is such a fleeting thing

The song has a reflective and philosophical mood. Candles and wishes feel out of place.
Maybe keep the rhyme 'through' and write something about 'passing through'

Just a thought

Otherwise, I think it hangs together quite well.

[Veance]

I agree on both posts before me, but I on the other hand like the you count the years in' all the candles we go through because mostly at the beginning of new year our wishes and hopes in life, our motivations to make something out of life are strongest.

[adamfarr]

I liked it a lot. Some of the comments above are definitely worth thinking about. Not so sure about "demise" and "pennies for eyes" - it's all a bit Dickensian and I think steps outside the body and so misses the opportunity to reinforce the internal frustration at the shortness of time, e.g "we leave all our work behind" or some such, or to show how we may not be remembered e.g. "we take just a few goodbyes".


Just some thoughts! Will strike a chord with (ironically) anyone over the age of listening to music in the charts...

[Paulski]

The verses are cool.

What you call "bridge" doesn't work for me, though:


How will the world remember you? => that would be 'me' or the generic 'you' (one)
The things you say? => who is meant here? If it's the dead it should be past tense (said, did...).
The things you do?
Will you be kind?
Will you be cruel?
It's up to you => from here on it could make sense again even with the way I interpret the lyrics.
It's up to you

This is how I (would) see the stanza:

How will the world remember you?
The things you said?
The things you did?
Have you been kind?
Have you been cruel?
It's up to you
It's up to you

But, of course, you might have had something entirely different in mind...

Cheers for commenting bernd - I was thinking along the lines of:

(How will the world remember) the things you say?
(How will the world remember) the things you do?

just tying to suggest that the listener still has the opportunity to change these things. I suppose "the things you do" could also mean the things you "typically do" too. I'll think about your sugg bridge, but I would lose a lot of rhyming..

[Paulski]

I agree with Berndt on the Bridge.

I'm not crazy about the lines I've highlighted in the 2nd verse.

From one to ninety-two
All the candles we go through!
Those wishes going down in flames
When it's time for our demise
We've got pennies for our eyes
Life is such a fleeting thing

The song has a reflective and philosophical mood. Candles and wishes feel out of place.
Maybe keep the rhyme 'through' and write something about 'passing through'

Just a thought

Otherwise, I think it hangs together quite well.

Hi @philbee - thanks for checking this out. Yes the candles/wishes wasn't the point I was trying to get across. It was more the pursuit of wealth - so I changed it to treasure/pennies which I hope conveys that better.

I agree on both posts before me, but I on the other hand like the you count the years in' all the candles we go through because mostly at the beginning of new year our wishes and hopes in life, our motivations to make something out of life are strongest.

cheers @Veance - good points taken on board. I reworded that section - hopefully it's better now 

I liked it a lot. Some of the comments above are definitely worth thinking about. Not so sure about "demise" and "pennies for eyes" - it's all a bit Dickensian and I think steps outside the body and so misses the opportunity to reinforce the internal frustration at the shortness of time, e.g "we leave all our work behind" or some such, or to show how we may not be remembered e.g. "we take just a few goodbyes".


Just some thoughts! Will strike a chord with (ironically) anyone over the age of listening to music in the charts...

@adamfarr - Thanks Adam - see note above about the pennies stuff. I was hoping it would sound ironic that we pursue wealth throughout our lives, but end up with (virtual  ) pennies in our eyes so I reworded that section. Dickensian works for me. Always good to hear your perspective as a great lyricist. 

[Sterix]

i Paulski. Bit late to the party (now the World Cup is over I can get back into the swing of "normality" a bit more now).


Love the lyrics but since others have been chipping in with changes I thought I'd offer up my own suggestion. It's only a tiny thing, and the line is actually fine as it is. In my head "From one to ninety-two", if you shoved another 10 years on and sung it as "From one to hundred-two" or (my favourite way but might confuse the casual listener) "From one to one-oh-two". But,as I said, ninety-two is fine as it is.