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August 20, 2017, 12:11:26 AM
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http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?topic=13541.0
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 1 
 on: Yesterday at 10:28:13 PM 
Started by Jackdaw - Last post by Jackdaw
I could even imagine what Jayleen looked like as I was reading. I hope I can read the rest of the lyrics soon (: The only thing I didn't like was the name Jayleen lol.. but seriously, that's a personal thing and doesn't affect how good the lyrics are at all Cheesy Good luck with this song!

Try thinking outside of the box for a mo.
Try thinking that JAYLEEN is but an Anagram?

ie the letter N is Norma Jeane maybe?

Jackdaw1888

 2 
 on: Yesterday at 10:12:16 PM 
Started by Skub - Last post by pompeyjazz
I have to hand it to you guys for jumping into this multi collaboration business. I think a multi collaboration is probably the most difficult thing to achieve. 2 Persons, definitely, 3 persons, more difficult, then I think things can be in danger of getting out of control. Great song guys and some great individual performances but for me being honest (and sorry if you do not like my opinion) but it sounds a bit like a "Make it work for the sake of it" song - Sorry ! (Get's back in hole to hide)  Smiley

Love you all xxxxx


 3 
 on: Yesterday at 07:57:51 PM 
Started by Jackdaw - Last post by Jackdaw
Despite where I go with JAYLEEN, this song THE HAND OF FATE will always be my fave!!!
Bob Dylan remains my icon.

Jackdaw1888 :-)

 4 
 on: Yesterday at 07:55:44 PM 
Started by Pawy - Last post by CaliaMoko
Your grammar and word usage looks pretty good to me overall. I'm usually pretty picky, though, and I do recommend considering a few changes:

"A lot of memories pop into my head." Makes more sense than "pop in"

"But when I open my eyes again, I find out realize I don't feel that familiar pain" Feels smoother, less awkward

"It’s so easy to blame this my resistance to change Gets rid of repetitive word "this"
On this guilt trip that I put myself on. Tightens up unnecessarily wordy phrase

The above could also go:
"It's so easy to blame this resistance to change
On the guilt trip I put myself on."
In both cases, though, we still have one line that begins and ends with the word "on". I'm not sure how to fix that, thoughl

"How So many times have I have asked myself:" Feels stronger to me, less passive

"I take the deepest breath as I close my eyes," This is an unusual way to say something: "the deepest breath". I would normally expect that to be followed by something like "as I can" or "I've ever taken" or something like that. I recommend something more like "I take a deep breath" or maybe "I take (or my) the deepest breath ever as I..."

"So I smile to myself, shake my head, turn around and walk away." Tightens up unnecessarily wordy phrase

Keep in mind, these recommendations are based on my opinions and understanding of the English language. Use or loose as suits you. Hope something is helpful to you.

Vicki

 5 
 on: Yesterday at 07:29:46 PM 
Started by Jackdaw - Last post by Jackdaw
I could even imagine what Jayleen looked like as I was reading. I hope I can read the rest of the lyrics soon (: The only thing I didn't like was the name Jayleen lol.. but seriously, that's a personal thing and doesn't affect how good the lyrics are at all Cheesy Good luck with this song!

Many thanks Pawy.
I happen to know what Jayleen looks like.
But then again please tell me if there has ever been a song entitled JAYLEEN?

Cheers
Jackdaw1888 :-)

Hehe I'm pretty sure you do Smiley Aaaaaand that's true, I don't know a song named "Jayleen", so don't change it Wink

I WON'T

Jackdaw1888

 6 
 on: Yesterday at 07:12:11 PM 
Started by Jackdaw - Last post by Pawy
I could even imagine what Jayleen looked like as I was reading. I hope I can read the rest of the lyrics soon (: The only thing I didn't like was the name Jayleen lol.. but seriously, that's a personal thing and doesn't affect how good the lyrics are at all :D Good luck with this song!

Many thanks Pawy.
I happen to know what Jayleen looks like.
But then again please tell me if there has ever been a song entitled JAYLEEN?

Cheers
Jackdaw1888 :-)

Hehe I'm pretty sure you do :) Aaaaaand that's true, I don't know a song named "Jayleen", so don't change it ;)

 7 
 on: Yesterday at 07:05:29 PM 
Started by Pawy - Last post by Pawy
Hi! The lyrics might seem confusing without the music, but I'm posting them mostly to see if someone can identify any grammar mistake or something that doesn't make sense (English is not my first language). Enjoy!

As I pass by what’s now a random place
A lot of memories pop in my head.
I cannot help but wonder if life treats you well.
I feel so tempted to call and ask,
But I have to let go.

[CHORUS]
How many times have I asked myself:
“Was I right? Was I wrong?”
I made a decision for both of us.
What was the reason? I forgot.
It’s so easy to blame this resistance to change
On this guilt trip that I put myself on.
I won’t get you out of my mind till I start looking forward and not back.

I start digging my nails into my hands.
Tears are desperately trying to make their way back.
I take the deepest breath as I close my eyes,
‘Cause I know I’m stronger than that
And I’m gonna let go.

[CHORUS]
How many times have I asked myself:
“Was I right? Was I wrong?”
I made a decision for both of us.
What was the reason? I forgot.
It’s so easy to blame this resistance to change
On this guilt trip that I put myself on.
I won’t get you out of my mind till I start looking forward and not back.

But when I open my eyes again, I find out I don't  feel that familiar pain
Anymore...
So I smile to myself, shake my head, turn around and walk away.

[CHORUS]
How many times did I ask myself:
“Was I right? Was I wrong?”
I made a decision and I don’t care
About the reason anymore.
Now it’s easy to breathe, now it’s easy to see
How colorful the world without you is.
The voice in my head says “I told you so, I knew you could let go”.
 
 
Thank you for reading!
 
 

 8 
 on: Yesterday at 07:03:27 PM 
Started by Jackdaw - Last post by Jackdaw
I could even imagine what Jayleen looked like as I was reading. I hope I can read the rest of the lyrics soon (: The only thing I didn't like was the name Jayleen lol.. but seriously, that's a personal thing and doesn't affect how good the lyrics are at all Cheesy Good luck with this song!

Many thanks Pawy.
I happen to know what Jayleen looks like.
But then again please tell me if there has ever been a song entitled JAYLEEN?

Cheers
Jackdaw1888 :-)

 9 
 on: Yesterday at 06:57:38 PM 
Started by Jackdaw - Last post by Jackdaw
I don't think it's "a good start."   I think its already a good lyric.  

It sang without effort on the first try and with drama.  Ready for music.



I liked that it stayed a little bit vague, and feel that more clarity would be too much clarity.  

I think it's good the way it is.   Now. . . you DO need one more verse, repeat the chorus again, then end with a repeat of the first verse if you choose not to add a third verse.  An instrumental bridge, and it's done, but that isn't much.

Ahhhh.... I just caught on to something.  You modified this after the advice.  Good for you.  

I already like it.  

By "a good start", I wasn't saying that there was anything wrong with what was already there, only that it needed to be finished off, much like you have suggested.

Mikey

Agreed :-)
It will be.
Promise.

Jackdaw 1888

 10 
 on: Yesterday at 06:41:19 PM 
Started by Pawy - Last post by Pawy

  Hello there,
    First post, good post, got my attention. Different and strange, not sure what this guys agenda is, but he got inside my head. Still grappling with the meaning, but please don't make it plain. By the way, i don't think there is a limit on posts in the lyric section. So don't leave the next one too long. No mistakes.

                                   Welcome
                                      Vintage54
Thank you!:) To be honest, I was thinking of a movie when I wrote this. I have an idea of what the guy's agenda might be, but I'm not quite sure either ;)

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