The Songwriter Forum - songwriting reviews, tips and chat
Songwriter Forum => Feedback on Works in Progress => Topic started by: Alan Starkie on June 18, 2015, 12:09:54 PM
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Hi all....
Not sure if I'm putting lyrics to the bridge...
https://soundcloud.com/alanstarkie/the-sun-always-follows-the-moon
The Sun Always Follows The Moon
A young child in a dark place
Wishing friends would come to call
Cold food and a secret to keep
The light went off long ago
In the hall
Old toys in the bathtub
The bubbles burst long ago
Now the towels they don't feel the same
They're no good without arms
To rub you dry
When it's you and yourself in the mirror
And there's nobody else in the room
It may feel like it's going to last forever
But just remember the sun always follows the moon
How long is the night time
When it's you and him alone
The shadows touch your face to make you cry
You don't want to be a child any more
When it's you and yourself in the mirror
And there's nobody else in the room
It may feel like it's going to last forever
But just remember the sun always follows the moon
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Nice I like the tune, quite melancholic
I see many places, where backing vocals could fit by either repeating phrases,
or single vowel lifts by segueing from section to section or emphasizing a phrase.
Regarding a bridge, I think either way its equally good/bad decision ;)
Sometimes I would change the phrasing, cause sometimes they seem a bit repetitive,( I mean the phrasing pace), but this is subjective,.
And specifically, I would change " in the mirror" by adding a pause behind the phrase, and "in the" = 16th notes..
"and theres [pause] nobody else" (to emphasize nobody else, and for me it sounds better)
But these can go either way, or remain the same of course, just suggesting.
Just I didn't like the "mii-ror" extended mi..
Cheers,
K
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Beautifully concise. Not a word too many nor a word too few. Very impressive lyric. Now, I'll go listen. Beautiful to listen to and really nice to sing along with.
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Hi A
A great chord change at the chorus.
This really makes the song for me :D
The bridge certainly doesn't need lyrics - it's a nice respite from the song - a nice hammond organ would fit the bridge perfectly :D
I'm not sure about the key change on the last verse.... it's turns song into something which I don't think it is - almost theatrical and unnecessary. For the final verse, i'd probably slow it down and make it more personal and intimate.....try it :D
J.
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Good song Alan, musically and lyrically although I'm thinking you can probably take it further with natural progression.
How many songs are you writing a week? Seems like you can pen material week on week regardless.....very good.
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Nice I like the tune, quite melancholic
I see many places, where backing vocals could fit by either repeating phrases,
or single vowel lifts by segueing from section to section or emphasizing a phrase.
Regarding a bridge, I think either way its equally good/bad decision ;)
Sometimes I would change the phrasing, cause sometimes they seem a bit repetitive,( I mean the phrasing pace), but this is subjective,.
And specifically, I would change " in the mirror" by adding a pause behind the phrase, and "in the" = 16th notes..
"and theres [pause] nobody else" (to emphasize nobody else, and for me it sounds better)
But these can go either way, or remain the same of course, just suggesting.
Just I didn't like the "mii-ror" extended mi..
Cheers,
K
Thanks K,
The 'miii-ror' has been sorted now.
Beautifully concise. Not a word too many nor a word too few. Very impressive lyric. Now, I'll go listen. Beautiful to listen to and really nice to sing along with.
Thanks HTM,
Glad you liked.
Hi A
A great chord change at the chorus.
This really makes the song for me :D
The bridge certainly doesn't need lyrics - it's a nice respite from the song - a nice hammond organ would fit the bridge perfectly :D
I'm not sure about the key change on the last verse.... it's turns song into something which I don't think it is - almost theatrical and unnecessary. For the final verse, i'd probably slow it down and make it more personal and intimate.....try it :D
J.
Thanks J,
I've left the bridge as instrumental.
There is no key change in this song?...
Good song Alan, musically and lyrically although I'm thinking you can probably take it further with natural progression.
How many songs are you writing a week? Seems like you can pen material week on week regardless.....very good.
Thanks TCOO,
This song is near completion now (a few more tracks and production then done).
I'm not prolific but I don't seem to have problems with writer's block thankfully.
I've always got ideas tucked away ready for working on.
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Am I missing something? ???
this sounds good as is!! yeah it could be done a million different ways but if you call this finished then I'd be happy with it..
best, Kevin :)
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Hi Alan,
Gotta leave the bridge...love the gtr there.
Can REALLY hear a lone fiddle playing along with this,
especially toward the end ;D ;D
Just thought I HAD to tell you that. ;D ;D
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Hi Alan,
Beautiful song you have written there... Really like the lyrics (esp. 'towels... without arms')
What didn't sound natural to me when I listened for the first time was the chord progression change to the chorus.
For me it came too sudden. When I listened the second time I enjoyed it, but I feel the first impression counts for the (mostly non-musical-talented) listener (i think). If you can find yourself in this comment you could easily solve this by adding a pre-chorus to the 1st and 2nd verse.
Then, later in the song you can create that surprise of jumping straight to the chorus. But it's just a suggestion.
Feel completely free to ignore. Overall I'm really curious how this will sound when recorded!! I loved it! MM
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Am I missing something? ???
this sounds good as is!! yeah it could be done a million different ways but if you call this finished then I'd be happy with it..
best, Kevin :)
Thanks Kevin,
Nearly finished....
Hi Alan,
Gotta leave the bridge...love the gtr there.
Can REALLY hear a lone fiddle playing along with this,
especially toward the end ;D ;D
Just thought I HAD to tell you that. ;D ;D
Ah Bin. You're a guitar man and it always shows!
You'll have me and The Nighthawk duetting next lol
Thanks for the listen.
Hi Alan,
Beautiful song you have written there... Really like the lyrics (esp. 'towels... without arms')
What didn't sound natural to me when I listened for the first time was the chord progression change to the chorus.
For me it came too sudden. When I listened the second time I enjoyed it, but I feel the first impression counts for the (mostly non-musical-talented) listener (i think). If you can find yourself in this comment you could easily solve this by adding a pre-chorus to the 1st and 2nd verse.
Then, later in the song you can create that surprise of jumping straight to the chorus. But it's just a suggestion.
Feel completely free to ignore. Overall I'm really curious how this will sound when recorded!! I loved it! MM
Cheers MM,
I've kept the chorus as-is because it's quite unexpected and I like that.
The song will be finished this week. I hope it works for you.
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Really like this. Nice guitar playing, I like the tension in the melody on the chorus too. Not sure I get the story but then that's not important really.
Very nice.
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Cheers MM,
I've kept the chorus as-is because it's quite unexpected and I like that.
The song will be finished this week. I hope it works for you.
Let it come Alan! Really, really curious!! MM
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Lovely guitar and vocal work and yes the bridge is fine as instrumental.
I'm a bit with MM on the jump in chord prog opening the first chorus was a bit of a jar.
Something to smooth that first transition would be nice.
Like the hook!
Paul
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This is my kind of music, love the sound. The guitar is clear, bright, and fittingly beautiful.
The chorus almost has a dissonance to it which really makes the listener pay closer attention. It took me by surprise for a second, in a good way.
I sounds like a finished piece, and it's totally fine that way. But in my opinion I think it'd sound pretty cool with a little more backing instrumentation, maybe some quiet, soft vocal harmonies or something similarly euphoric.
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Hi I really like this song very much, liked the introduction and it built up nicely.
I felt there could be maybe a violin in there somewhere in the chorus fading out as you head into your verse " how long is the night time", also to my ears I think you jumped into that verse too quickly could have left room for a few more bars
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Hi there:
I love the hook in the chorus, I like the arrangement, lyrics are clever too, I am probably going to to sound dumb here but what does the lyric "the sun always follows the moon" actually mean? What is this song about? Because what I gathered is that it's about growing up? Is that right? And who is "him"?
Sorry to be nit picky, I love the chorus the hook is great as I've said, but I am just offering my perspective I guess.
Kind Regards
Diane
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Don't have much to say because I'm new but it sounds really nice and I love your vocals. :)
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This is very good A. A great melody and I'm a melody man myself. I wouldn't change anything personally.
John
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Classy stuff, this :)
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Most excellent tune and performance. I like the subtle shift in the chorus and the effect of moving around the tonal center.
Vocals are outstanding as well!
igg
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I really like it - coming across pretty well mix-wise on my lappy. If I have a crit it's that the delivery of the last chorus line - feels a bit clunky compared to the rest and I find myself wanting to hear you sing/phrase it differently, specifically that the word "remember" seems a bit tooooo loooonnnng. JMO and all that.
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Hi,
We thought this is a well crafted and well produced song. The lyrics have some very nice imagery. It being in the third person however made us feel somewhat disconnected from the story. Just our thoughts, nice job overall.
Jay and Mike.
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This is work in progress?
It sounds like a great finished song to me. Can't really fault it. Brilliant.
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This is work in progress?
It sounds like a great finished song to me. Can't really fault it. Brilliant.
I totally agree. There is nothing more to do here. This is a fantastic piece of work!
I love the lyric... that sense of hopelessness... with the reminder that there is always light at the end of the tunnel.
This very professionally recorded and mixed... it sounds like it should be in the marketplace and not on WIP forum. Well done!
Best Wishes
Mo
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great song, loved it. what else can I say, faultless in my opinion,