The Songwriter Forum - songwriting reviews, tips and chat
Songwriter Forum => Feedback on Works in Progress => Topic started by: Alan Starkie on June 04, 2015, 11:17:19 PM
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A song I started writing yesterday and got down a few demo tracks today :
*****FINISHED*****
https://soundcloud.com/alanstarkie/i-can-make-you
I can make you love me
There's a shadow, following me
Keeping me in the cold
You've got to throw me a line
So that I can unwind how you feel
There's a whisper, making me think
But I don't want to believe
That you don't want what I've got
Baby give me a shot at your heart
I can make you, love me
But only if you want me to
I can make you, love me
But only if you want me to, want me to
In the mirror, I'm asking myself
Am I burning a flame
For someone who doesn't feel
The same way as me so I stop
And take a minute, and pick myself up
I've seen the way that you look, at me
And your smile just says it all
CHORUS
Step by baby step
I'm heading for you
It's a beautiful day
But life's in the way
Turn around and look what you do
CHORUS
I can make you, love me
I can make you, love me
I can make you, love me
But only if you want me to
Step by baby step
I'm heading for you
It's a beautiful day
But life's in the way
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Alan,
Always enjoyable to hear the initial live demo.
I liked the interesting rhythmic approach - it could go a few ways: pop/rock, modern pop 1D, even a bit reggae perhaps?
Stop - smart, and loved the baby steps line.
The catchiest bit is the later descending 3 chords. which are nearly the same as the intro and earlier chorus. If you go modern pop it may well require some simplification as there's quiet a few elements to it.
Will watch with interest and try and listen and learn.
:)
Neil
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Thanks Neil.
It's moved on a little with some more ideas...
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Really good song ... original and fresh, well done!
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Hi Alan,
Really liked the song, well crafted and thought you did a particularly good job on the vocal. A couple of things that stuck out to us were the section after the verse stop felt odd and the return to the bridge after the last extended chorus seemed unnecessary. All in all thought is was a very good song.
Mike and Jay
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Love the irony of the chorus... and the sparse rhythm guitar.
For some reason I could hear indie pop in there (thinking Get Up Kids or something like that - hopefully you won't take that the wrong way!). Obviously if it went that direction then could do without any slidy guitar and with some crunchier rhythm section. But then I could also see it going more of a country / adult contempory rock style (though probably less my personal taste).
One tiny thing (though it may be a regional thing - or even an age thing): to me "burning a flame" for someone sounds a bit unnatural - "holding a flame" maybe?
For a one day old song, already getting ready to leave home I think!
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Hi Alan,
Really liked the song, well crafted and thought you did a particularly good job on the vocal. A couple of things that stuck out to us were the section after the verse stop felt odd and the return to the bridge after the last extended chorus seemed unnecessary. All in all thought is was a very good song.
Mike and Jay
Thanks guys,
Yeah I'm undecided about the stop (restart) chord. It feels like it should be the following minor chord?
The vox are still guides but nearly there with the melody.
I think the reprise into the bridge as an outro section will work though.
We'll see...
Love the irony of the chorus... and the sparse rhythm guitar.
For some reason I could hear indie pop in there (thinking Get Up Kids or something like that - hopefully you won't take that the wrong way!). Obviously if it went that direction then could do without any slidy guitar and with some crunchier rhythm section. But then I could also see it going more of a country / adult contempory rock style (though probably less my personal taste).
One tiny thing (though it may be a regional thing - or even an age thing): to me "burning a flame" for someone sounds a bit unnatural - "holding a flame" maybe?
For a one day old song, already getting ready to leave home I think!
Thanks Adam although I'm not familiar with 'Get Up Kids'?
It feels like it's going AC/Pop/Country twang maybe.
"Burning a flame" - Thanks for that. I put it in and then started to think why it didn't seem right.
"Holding a flame" it is (and always should have been)
Can I throw one back at you in a entirely friendly way -
It should be SongEspresso surely?
Thanks for the Heads-up.
Alan.
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If you are inclined, check out The Get Up Kids less emo-punky stuff like "Overdue" and "Wouldn't Believe It" - I think it may be that your vocal reminds me slightly of them...
And SongExpresso - yes it was supposed to be an oh-so-clever play on words but in fact just makes me sound uneducated...
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Not uneducated Adam.
Maybe just more of a tea drinker? Lol
I'll check them out - cheers
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Finished now but too soon to post!
Cheers ears.
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WOW - great pop track. This is an excellent demo, and i'm really enjoying listening to it. Very radio friendly; inoffensive; some nice discreet chord changes :) add to the value of this lovely song.
Very nice.
J.
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WOW - great pop track. This is an excellent demo, and i'm really enjoying listening to it. Very radio friendly; inoffensive; some nice discreet chord changes :) add to the value of this lovely song.
Very nice.
J.
Thanks J,
Appreciate the listen.