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Songwriter Forum => Feedback on Works in Progress => Topic started by: sundaysongsmiths on May 20, 2015, 06:01:51 AM
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Hi,
My friend Mike and recently started getting together Sunday's on FaceTime to support each others song writing efforts. "Money" is the first result for me. Thanks for listening and for any feedback.
Regards,
Jay
https://soundcloud.com/sundaysongsmiths/money-demo5
Money
Verse:1
The rich are getting richer
That's for sure
The poor are getting poorer
Than ever before
They'll tell you not to worry
The best things are free
While they're busy selling you
What you don't need
Chorus:
I'm talking 'bout money
I'm talking 'bout money
I'm talking 'bout money
It's all about money
Verse 2:
They say that money's evil
So you've heard
It says so in the Bible
That's the word
But money can't be evil
It's what we all need
The thing that's really evil
Is a thing called greed
Chorus:
Inst. Break:
1/2 Chorus:
Verse:3
Truth is getting deeper
Buried in noise
By media distractors
Political ploys
Who try to sell you happiness
Hour by hour
Money can't by happiness
It buys them power
Chorus:
Outro:
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Hi
I think I would prefer the vocals without the echo throughout. For me it makes it too gimmicky when the words have a message to listen to. The words are probably stronger than the tune in the verses
although possibly a bridge would just break up the 'sameness' just like the guitar solo does. But this doesn't mean I don't think it is a good song. I enjoyed listening so thankyou for sharing. :)
Marrianna
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Hi Marrianna,
Thanks for your comments, they are really helpful. I had thoughts about the vocal filter and lack of a bridge but hadn't paid much attention to the melodic aspect of the verses so that's a real eye opener. Much appreciated.
Regards,
Jay
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Hi Jay,
I did think some more about that effect (filter) which you used throughout. Maybe if it was used at the beginning, a verse or two and then at the end. I think it would make a big difference to add a bridge in there and I was waiting for that when I listened. Just my thoughts and so, good luck, whatever you decide to do.
Thankyou for your reply. :)
Marrianna
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I always hate anything more than VERY minor effects on vocals. And from what I heard, your voice needs no such help.
And, the concept has been done to death. That's not necessarily a bad thing. A huge majority of the hits from this era (or any era) are not conceptually original.
What allows one to get away with a "retread concept" is excellence in the songwriting.
I think you have achieved that. Even with the filter on the vocals, this grabbed me and held my interest.
I think it's a good performance of a good song.
While I was on your site, I listened to your "Foolish Dreams" song. That song confirmed that you have no need for gimmicks with your voice. And it's a really good song too. LOVED the vocal delivery. So many times, you just hesitated and began a syllable just a bit differently than I anticipated.
Surprised me in a really good way throughout the song. You have achieved the songwriter's holy grail with that song. Familiarity without predictability.
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Hi Verlon,
Thanks so much for your thoughtful feedback. The filter effect is something I plan to revisit along with some other revisions that I hope will move the song in a positive direction. FYI - SundaySongsmiths are my friend Mike and I who Facetime Sunday mornings to support each others songwriting efforts. Foolish Dreams is actually Mike's song and vocal. He wasn't quite ready to post it here yet but was really thrilled at your feedback so thanks for that too. It's very encouraging and will probably be our next SundaySongsmiths post.
Regards,
Mike and Jay