The Songwriter Forum - songwriting reviews, tips and chat
Songwriter Forum => Feedback on Works in Progress => Topic started by: Alan Starkie on March 25, 2015, 10:33:35 PM
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Written this morning but on the back burner while I'm remixing/remastering existing songs.
It's an Iphone recording but you get the idea...
https://soundcloud.com/alanstarkie/three-words/s-e7Mlk
'Three words'
I've got three words
Written on some paper
Three little words
That just won't leave my mouth
No matter how I try to change them
They're still three words
Refusing to sing out loud
I've got three chords
Hidden in my guitar strings
I'm trying to make my fingers
Pull them out
So I can play them with those three words
I read what I've written
And tell myself that
You know what I want to say
You can you see it in my face
I'm trying every day
Tell me you can feel it
You know what I want to say
You can you see it in my face
I'm trying every day
Tell me you can feel it
I, I can't say those words
Love, love is a thing I can't describe
You, you are the one thing
I can't be without
It's so easy in my mind
But the courage
I can't find
CHORUS
Tell me you can feel it
Tell me you can feel it
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Hi Alan,
I enjoyed the melody, the guitar playing and most of the words. I wasn't keen on the guitar chords verse. It seems to put a barrier between me and the sentiments, as I'd have to be a guitar player to sing along. Hope that makes sense. I'd be tempted to replace them with the I, I can't say those words verse which leads nicely into the chorus which is excellent.
I'd put in a third verse which shows how you express love without saying the three words. This would show the listener that whilst you can't say "I love you" you certainly can express it. When you sing the chorus the listener is waiting for the person to say yes they can feel it.
Please ignore me if you disagree. As I said I enjoyed the playing and singing. Definitely got potential.
Keith
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I read the whole thing afraid that you were going to break the tension and just tell us the "three words."
It's perfect that you never did. Maintains the tension throughout.... and telling us would have been totally unnecessary and counterproductive.
Perfectly done.
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Really nice tune Alan.
I loved the lyrics.
The only area that didn't work for me was the chord prog behind the words "in my face".
There's something out of chord there in the melody that sounds wrong to me.
Knowing you though it will prob get sorted when you do the full up version.
good write!
Paul
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HEY ALAN
man I think you could have a lyric here
the first verse is absolutely magic and opens this up so well
this needs to be kept as simple s possible
say it al with minimum words IMO
the verse I've got three chords needs to be sung carefully clear
it sounded to me like three cards, and I thought WHAT
when you say I'M TRYING TO MAKE MY FINGERS this sounds very laboursome
don't take it the wrong way these are only SUGGS alan and hope they help in some way
good luck with this alan below is an idea of tightening a little
I've got three chords
Hiding in my guitar strings
my fingers are searching
to find them as I sing
so this song will work
I read what is written
and tell myself that
I, I can't say those words
Love, love I can't describe
You, you are the one thing
that I want by my side
good luck alan
tony
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This is a great ditty and the iPhone is an awesome tool for those off-the-cuff recordings :-)
You have some great chord changes in here - so I'm a happy bunny. it's a a nice pop track, more young love than AOR......but you have a great melody and , dare I say, I'm now going to be singing/humming " I got three words..... " for the next 5 days.....
J.
PS: I've just had a flashback. This is a bit HSM....... not a bad thing. I'm sure Disney have half a dozen musicals in pre-production.... this song will fit one of them :-)
J.
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Beautiful as ever Alan. You should give a songwriting class on YouTube. I don't really ever feel the need tooffer advice. Now that may be disappointing but honestly, I simply know the writing is safe in your hands.
Sorry buddy for the lack of constructive criticism - simply enjoy what you do!
Paul
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This is really nice work Alan. It sounds totally complete with just guitar and vocals. I always enjoy these uncluttered guitar/vocal songs. This sounds so natural and true.
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Thanks all for the comments.
Think I'll leave this one as a simple acoustic song when I get round to recording it.
I'm in the middle of remixing and remastering at the mo but this will be the next song defo.
I'm most comfortable with acoustic arrangements so this one will be a lot of fun.
Cheers
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I can't believe that you can get that good a recording on an iphone :o It's so clear...
This is really sweet Alan and I love the simplicity of it :) Please keep it as is :)
I really like the melody and when you go up to the higher register in the chorus is lovely :)
Nice one Alan :)
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All done...
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Oh my,that is classy stuff. 8)
The song is right there,I wouldn't add or subtract a thing. Gorgeous.