The Songwriter Forum - songwriting reviews, tips and chat
Songwriter Forum => Lyrics => Topic started by: Arkwright on August 05, 2014, 05:35:24 PM
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Well as part of my ongoing quest to write and record a song for my bucket list, here is my third offering as the previous two have failed to entice any collaborators thus far to help me acheive my goal. For those who haven't had the opportunity to read my previous attempts, they can be found here http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/lyric-reviews/demons-7455/ (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/lyric-reviews/demons-7455/) and here http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/lyric-reviews/the-greatest-lie-of-all/ (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/lyric-reviews/the-greatest-lie-of-all/)
Before I post in the 'collaborators' section, I would appreciate and comments and/or suggestions on the following lyrics.
I'm not entirely happy with the chorus so any help there would be much appreciated. It's important I retain the phrases "Hate to Love" and "Love to Hate" but other than that I'm open to suggestions.
Thanks in advance for looking....
VERSE
A tongue so sharp
You cut a smile
While all the while
There's hatred in your eyes
I'm seduced by the truth
You hide behind your lies.
Eyes cold as steel
Lips hot as hell
The tales they tell
Deceive with ease your prey
Convince with promises
You know you will betray
CHORUS
Played every card
Tried every trick
Poured out my heart
But you're just too slick
Release your grip
And let me be
I hate to love you
And you love to hate me
VERSE
The face of an angel
With looks that kill
You enjoy the thrill
Of poisoning my mind with fear
Do you feel my pain
Did you ever shed a tear
From blood red claws
My wounds run deep
I need to sleep
And rest my broken soul
What would it take to
Return the love you stole
CHORUS
Played every card
Tried every trick
Poured out my heart
But you're just too slick
Release your grip
And let me be
I hate to love you
And you love to hate me
MIDDLE 8
When you wrap your hand
Around my heart
It skips a beat
Before it's torn apart
Now you disregard
All I've done and said
This loves masquerade
Is well and truly dead
CHORUS
Played every card
Tried every trick
Poured out my heart
But you're just too slick
Release your grip
And let me be
I hate to love you
And you love to hate me
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Well you see our little plan here don't you? As long as we don't agree to record one of these, we force you to keep creating them - cause you've got the talent bud! But seriously, this is really well written - something I would expect from a songwriter that has refined his craft over many years. As far as suggs, the only lines that didn't work well for me are in the prechorus. I would recommend dumping it entirely. If you need that imagery of claws around your heart, I would build it into one of the verses.
Nice one!
Paul
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hi
lots of nice images in this and I really liked the "I hate to love you, you love to hate me" play on words. like you said, you should definitely keep that
don't think the first two lines are bad, maybe you could replace "set me free" with "leave me be" if you feel "set me free" sounds a bit clichéd (but that's just the first thing that came to my mind, maybe you'll find something better)
the chorus seems a bit short to me, maybe you could take the first four lines of the middle 8 and add them to the chorus
hope that was helpful, feel free to ignore me if you disagree
EE
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Thanks for the replies guys...
I've got lyrics in abundace Paul in case this one doesn't cut it lol
I've done a quick edit taking into account advice from both of you.
I've got rid of the pre chorus and added it to the middle 8 and taken the first four lines of the middle 8 and added it to the chorus.
What are your thoughts?
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YEAH YOU GOT IT
this is a very good write
i love reading lyrics like this
this is full of feeling and and meaning
every line had it's own right to be there
LOVED IT ( MY HAT IS TIPPED TO YOU )
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think it works well
what I actually meant was to add the first four lines of the middle 8 at the end of the chorus, after the love/hate lines, but it seems to work much better your way anyway
EE
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That's real good....
The only I didn't go for was ''looks that kill''....sort of a cliche....minor, minor gripe
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Arkwright, Suggestions I have non, comments I don't have any for this lyric is so well written. The chorus reads so well I just love it. what more can I say, keep up the good work.
Irwin
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Fantastic song. Very, very well written and I'm a sucker for wordplay. The entire love/hate concept can be really played out but, the way you worded it was excellent.
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Thanks for your comments guys, just need to get someone to set it to music now ;D
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The title doesn't quite match with the theme of the song ..Hate To Love To Hate...is not corresponding with...
I hate to love you,And you love to hate me..for me they mean two different things.
Secondly ,you have a useful imagination ,hence some of the phrasing,,,there's some obvious rhyming going on here...i would rewrite a few of the lines...but it all depends how it was performed...i think a group like passenger could pull it off?
....
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The title doesn't quite match with the theme of the song ..Hate To Love To Hate...is not corresponding with...
I hate to love you,And you love to hate me..for me they mean two different things.
Secondly ,you have a useful imagination ,hence some of the phrasing,,,there's some obvious rhyming going on here...i would rewrite a few of the lines...but it all depends how it was performed...i think a group like passenger could pull it off?
....
I've never been entirely happy with the title to be honest, but always felt I could worry about that later.
Would be interested in which lines you would rewrite and any suggestions you have to improve them.
Many thanks for your comments :)
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Well as part of my ongoing quest to write and record a song for my bucket list, here is my third offering as the previous two have failed to entice any collaborators thus far to help me acheive my goal. For those who haven't had the opportunity to read my previous attempts, they can be found here http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/lyric-reviews/demons-7455/ (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/lyric-reviews/demons-7455/) and here http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/lyric-reviews/the-greatest-lie-of-all/ (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/lyric-reviews/the-greatest-lie-of-all/)
Before I post in the 'collaborators' section, I would appreciate and comments and/or suggestions on the following lyrics.
I'm not entirely happy with the chorus so any help there would be much appreciated. It's important I retain the phrases "Hate to Love" and "Love to Hate" but other than that I'm open to suggestions.
Thanks in advance for looking....
VERSE
A tongue so sharp
You cut a smile
While all the while
There's hatred in your eyes
I'm seduced by the truth
You hide behind your lies.
Eyes cold as steel
Lips hot as hell
The tales they tell
Deceive with ease your prey
Convince with promises
You know you will betray
CHORUS
Played every card
Tried every trick
Poured out my heart
But you're just too slick
Release your grip
And let me be
I hate to love you
And you love to hate me
VERSE
The face of an angel
With looks that kill
You enjoy the thrill
Of poisoning my mind with fear
Do you feel my pain
Did you ever shed a tear
From blood red claws
My wounds run deep
I need to sleep
And rest my broken soul
What would it take to
Return the love you stole
CHORUS
Played every card
Tried every trick
Poured out my heart
But you're just too slick
Release your grip
And let me be
I hate to love you
And you love to hate me
MIDDLE 8
When you wrap your hand
Around my heart
It skips a beat
Before it's torn apart
Now you disregard
All I've done and said
This loves masquerade
Is well and truly dead
CHORUS
Played every card
Tried every trick
Poured out my heart
But you're just too slick
Release your grip
And let me be
I hate to love you
And you love to hate me
I like this - especially the rhyme scheme in the verses. Slightly unusual :)
The chorus I agree is slightly weaker - to me the trick/slick/grip rhyme overdoes it slightly. Perhaps using 'but you're just to fast' to half rhyme fast and heart?
As for the title, you could go for 'Hate To Love, Love To Hate' or some other shortened version of the last two lines in the chorus.
Hope this helps, feel free to ignore it completely.
Good write
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Sound like it was written by a professional, very good stuff
I think that the chorus would benefit from some minor alterations so it would read:
Played every card
Tried every trick
Exposed my heart
But you're just too quick
Release your hold
And let me be
I hate to love you
But you love to hate me.
Just my opinion.
Other than that this is an incredibly strong song with great lyrics!
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I like this - especially the rhyme scheme in the verses. Slightly unusual :)
The chorus I agree is slightly weaker - to me the trick/slick/grip rhyme overdoes it slightly. Perhaps using 'but you're just to fast' to half rhyme fast and heart?
As for the title, you could go for 'Hate To Love, Love To Hate' or some other shortened version of the last two lines in the chorus.
Hope this helps, feel free to ignore it completely.
Good write
Thanks for your comments...
The trick/slick/grip ryhme wasn't actually intentional and I hadn't noticed the near rhyme with 'grip'. Showing my inexperience here ;D Rather than change 'slick' I think I'll change 'grip' as suggested by Demonslayer as 'slick' better defines what I was trying to express.
I'll give some more thought to the title before I decide.
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Sound like it was written by a professional, very good stuff
I think that the chorus would benefit from some minor alterations so it would read:
Played every card
Tried every trick
Exposed my heart
But you're just too quick
Release your hold
And let me be
I hate to love you
But you love to hate me.
Just my opinion.
Other than that this is an incredibly strong song with great lyrics!
Thanks Demonslayer for taking the time to review.
In the main I like your suggested changes except for the change of slick to quick as expalined in my reply to rocking snowman.
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lyrics got me excited, but my music was poor...
(as it was ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D, indeed)
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lyrics got me excited, but my music was poor...
(as it was ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D, indeed)
I assumed you were still working on it Dutch?
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no
but, i am willing to
i seem to have missed where you assumed that
or hinted on that, that it would be worthwhile to work on it
but, i assumed we were not working on it anymore, to be honest
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Hi A,
What an exquisite write! This is one of the best lyrics I've seen in ages, blew my
socks off hehehe. Was thinking for your chorus maybe....?? ;D
CHORUS
Poured out my Heart
Played every card
But you're just too slick
So cold... so hard
Remove your spell
And set me free
I hate to love you
You love to hate me
Cheers
Gwyneth
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no
but, i am willing to
i seem to have missed where you assumed that
or hinted on that, that it would be worthwhile to work on it
but, i assumed we were not working on it anymore, to be honest
The last communication I recall was after you sent me an initial demo and I commented that I envisaged the song at a much slower tempo.
I thought you were going to have another go based on my vision.
I apologise if you felt I was no longer interested.
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Hi A,
What an exquisite write! This is one of the best lyrics I've seen in ages, blew my
socks off hehehe. Was thinking for your chorus maybe....?? ;D
CHORUS
Poured out my Heart
Played every card
But you're just too slick
So cold... so hard
Remove your spell
And set me free
I hate to love you
You love to hate me
Cheers
Gwyneth
Hi Gwyneth thanks for your comments, much appreciated.
I actually quite like your reworked chorus as much as my original. There are certainly a couple of lines I'd like to incorporate into the original if that's ok?
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Hi Arkwright,
yes, sorry but i thought the music was too far off from what you were looking for, and the demo was not really good, so i thought we canceled it, and that is no problem, i think it is good to be honest
but i did have a fit with the lyrics, and off course i can slow the tempo a bit but i was heading towards dance and electronica and i just thought this was not what you were looking for
i can have a further go at it, not sure whether it is going to be good.....but we can just try, the process of making and recording music is what i am in for, and sometimes the result is ok-ish and sometimes it is pretty bad ;D
but if we go on...what is the current version of the lyrics ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D, with all the input from Gwyneth and others?
oh, and @Gwyneth....i know i have trying music on your lyrics on my to do list, but my attempts so far were really bad...but i hope to get back at it...
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Hi A,
What an exquisite write! This is one of the best lyrics I've seen in ages, blew my
socks off hehehe. Was thinking for your chorus maybe....?? ;D
CHORUS
Poured out my Heart
Played every card
But you're just too slick
So cold... so hard
Remove your spell
And set me free
I hate to love you
You love to hate me
Cheers
Gwyneth
Hi Gwyneth thanks for your comments, much appreciated.
I actually quite like your reworked chorus as much as my original. There are certainly a couple of lines I'd like to incorporate into the original if that's ok?
Hi A,
I'd be honored if you'd use the reworked chorus ;D Go for it!!! My pleasure. That's what we are all here for isn't it? for a couple of good suggs to make one's lyric stronger ;D
and
DB
LOL - Thought you'd forgotten all about me. Hmmmm which one of my lyrics were you keen on again? Was it "Dragonslayer"? I forget now hehehehe, but that's great news, ;D ;D ;D
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@Gwyneth (sorry for getting off topic), but i tried to make some upbeat music for those lyrics about that stripper ;D...but no success yet
back to Hate to love to hate from Arkwright....
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Arkwright,
this is really great lyric. Deep and full of emotion. Even rhymes structure is unusual but it's still singable.
Great one!
Hugo
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back to Hate to love to hate from Arkwright....
Going to stick with the original verses Dutch, but try it using Gwyneth's chorus if that's OK.
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Arkwright,
this is really great lyric. Deep and full of emotion. Even rhymes structure is unusual but it's still singable.
Great one!
Hugo
Thanks Hugo, appreciate your comments. As I don't have a clue what I'm doing, I didn't realise even ryhmes were unusual. Maybe I should have paid more attention to other people's lyrics.
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back to Hate to love to hate from Arkwright....
Going to stick with the original verses Dutch, but try it using Gwyneth's chorus if that's OK.
Yaaaaaaaaay, that's so cool ;D
and Dutch
Ohhhh The sexy stripper one, I remember now. Let me know when you do, would love
to hear music to it ;D
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Sorrry to butt into the thread but I was keeping an eye on this one.
I instantly preferred Gwyneth's 'remove your spell' to the previous lyrics but suggest 'uncast' instead just because I think it will sound better sung.
I've got a couple of other thoughts too so here goes. It goes with the 'card ' theme which might seem crass if you hate that sort of thing. It's got a few more rhyming bits. I don't quite like 'slick' but can't think of anything else.
I played every card
You made every trick
I laid down my heart
You're way too slick
Uncast your spell
And set me free
I hate to love you
You love to hate me
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Great opening lines, good wordplay here. The short lines give it a really punch feel and gives your words more impact.
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Thanks Bleedin Boy, have you listened to the finished product which can be found here...
https://m.soundcloud.com/tokenangmoh/love-to-hate-me (https://m.soundcloud.com/tokenangmoh/love-to-hate-me)
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By themselves, the words don't flow naturally. For song, they sound flawless. I hope the music would be expressive ala I Want You (She's So Heavy). 'Cause the lyrics could use more personalisation and/or insight. It reads like it's trying to meet with some generic standard, therefore rendering your subject - a little bit 2d. I've been there. And I still go there sometimes. Great theme. And i like the title too. Write on.