The Songwriter Forum - songwriting reviews, tips and chat
Songwriter Forum => Lyrics => Topic started by: Gwyneth Rose on April 08, 2014, 10:14:27 AM
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LOL had a lot of fun composing this simple lyric.
Hoping to attract a muso who knows his phrasing!!!
Also what genre here? Pop, Rock, Metal? What do you
think? Am curious to see the feedback, any suggs to improve
the song would be greatly appreciated. ;D ;D ;D
Why should I
Give you the key
Why should I
Set you free
I like your chains
They suit you well
You’re so sexy baby
You’re hotter than Hell
Chorus
Can’t you see baby
You’re my ecstasy
Never set you free
You’re my ecstasy
Oh yeah my ecstasy
V2
You’re on my mind
Day and night
I get turned on
How you fight
You the object
Of my desire’
You ooze sex baby
You light my fire
Chorus
Can’t you see baby
You’re my ecstasy
Never set you free
You’re my ecstasy
Oh yeah my ecstasy
V3
In my dungeon
I treat you well
You’re my slave
You like to play
When I’m with you
You blow me away
You my reason baby
Yeah for living baby
You’re my ecstasy
Chorus out…..
Copyright number:
All rights reserved
BEDU-JEKE-O9S2-BUEG
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Apart from calling the police or social services - you have this song tied up!
A bridge would help the story. How did you get him there? Is he complicit?
I get the feel of a 'French torch song' with a burlesque twist.
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Good set of lyrics, reminds me of 'Whoever Brings The Night' by Nightwish. In terms of genre I read it as either rock or symphonic metal
I dunno why but I kept wanting to read 'baby' as 'babe', just feel that might flow better though obviously not if it interferes with the melody
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Apart from calling the police or social services - you have this song tied up!
A bridge would help the story. How did you get him there? Is he complicit?
I get the feel of a 'French torch song' with a burlesque twist.
LOL - Yep it's a bit hot I agree hehehe. Actually, I was thinking, I don't want to limit this song to a "His Phrasing", a woman could sing it too. A sexy Dominitrix in black latex and stillettos, brandishing a whip springs immediately to mind hehehe. Hmmmmmm a bridge? I'd love a suggestion for one. And where would I put the bridge? Need some help here please ;D ;D ;D Thanks so much Mickey
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Good set of lyrics, reminds me of 'Whoever Brings The Night' by Nightwish. In terms of genre I read it as either rock or symphonic metal
I dunno why but I kept wanting to read 'baby' as 'babe', just feel that might flow better though obviously not if it interferes with the melody
Thanks so much Rocking. Hmmmm I must go check them out, hope the song is up on U Tube. Ok Rock or Metal you say? Cool!!! Will have to see when I find a muso to how Baby/babe sings...
Appreciate your look in and musings ;D ;D ;D
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Apart from calling the police or social services - you have this song tied up!
A bridge would help the story. How did you get him there? Is he complicit?
I get the feel of a 'French torch song' with a burlesque twist.
LOL - Yep it's a bit hot I agree hehehe. Actually, I was thinking, I don't want to limit this song to a "His Phrasing", a woman could sing it too. A sexy Dominitrix in black latex and stillettos, brandishing a whip springs immediately to mind hehehe. Hmmmmmm a bridge? I'd love a suggestion for one. And where would I put the bridge? Need some help here please ;D ;D ;D Thanks so much Mickey
I just assumed it WAS a woman singing this. It's ALWAYS the women with the dirty minds isn't it? :o) Oooooohhhh..... That's probably just in MY life. "o)
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Again, like your last song, I feel like these lyrics are not particularly well thought out.
'You're hotter than Hell'
'You, the object of my desire'
'You light my fire'
These are all pretty cliche... it feels like you've gone for something that rhymes that's popped into your head rather than working to create an image for yourself. The problem with using something like 'hotter than Hell' or 'you light my fire' is that we've all heard those phrases so many times before that they losing meaning to us. They may have originally been powerful metaphors, but now they're pretty much useless for creating imagery.
Hope that's constructive!
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I really hate any line in any song about ecstasy. Like I don't get it.
Rihanna Diamonds: a vision of ecstasy
Katy perry walking on air: you're giving me sweet sweet ecstasy
In fact I googled songs containing the word 'ecstasy' and 82 pages came up (that's like 800 songs) :o
I just don't get it, I have like an ecstasy-dar when the word really sticks out to me. I don't get it, to me it's just an overused term with no lyrical value.
:) sassy song though
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Good set of lyrics, reminds me of 'Whoever Brings The Night' by Nightwish. In terms of genre I read it as either rock or symphonic metal
I dunno why but I kept wanting to read 'baby' as 'babe', just feel that might flow better though obviously not if it interferes with the melody
Hey Rocking, I went and checked the song out by Nightwish. Pretty cool song on a depraved way ;D ;D ;D
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Apart from calling the police or social services - you have this song tied up!
A bridge would help the story. How did you get him there? Is he complicit?
I get the feel of a 'French torch song' with a burlesque twist.
LOL - Yep it's a bit hot I agree hehehe. Actually, I was thinking, I don't want to limit this song to a "His Phrasing", a woman could sing it too. A sexy Dominitrix in black latex and stillettos, brandishing a whip springs immediately to mind hehehe. Hmmmmmm a bridge? I'd love a suggestion for one. And where would I put the bridge? Need some help here please ;D ;D ;D Thanks so much Mickey
I just assumed it WAS a woman singing this. It's ALWAYS the women with the dirty minds isn't it? :o) Oooooohhhh..... That's probably just in MY life. "o)
;D ;D ;D Hard, I believe you, but thousands wouldn't hehehehe. Seriously, it could be delivered by either sex 8)
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Again, like your last song, I feel like these lyrics are not particularly well thought out.
'You're hotter than Hell'
'You, the object of my desire'
'You light my fire'
These are all pretty cliche... it feels like you've gone for something that rhymes that's popped into your head rather than working to create an image for yourself. The problem with using something like 'hotter than Hell' or 'you light my fire' is that we've all heard those phrases so many times before that they losing meaning to us. They may have originally been powerful metaphors, but now they're pretty much useless for creating imagery.
Hope that's constructive!
Hi Alex,
No it's not constructive at all. Just destructive. You tell me you don't like it without offering any suggs ??? So suggest away, I'm all ears (and eyes) LOL
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I really hate any line in any song about ecstasy. Like I don't get it.
Rihanna Diamonds: a vision of ecstasy
Katy perry walking on air: you're giving me sweet sweet ecstasy
In fact I googled songs containing the word 'ecstasy' and 82 pages came up (that's like 800 songs) :o
I just don't get it, I have like an ecstasy-dar when the word really sticks out to me. I don't get it, to me it's just an overused term with no lyrical value.
:) sassy song though
Yep, the big names singing what sells!!!! Sex, Ecstasy. LOL Glad you like my sassy song ;D
Cheers
G
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Hi Alex,
No it's not constructive at all. Just destructive. You tell me you don't like it without offering any suggs ??? So suggest away, I'm all ears (and eyes) LOL
Sorry... my suggestion is to try to avoid using cliches, and to take a little longer writing your lyrics. Come up with something original and even if it isn't the greatest metaphor in the world, i guarantee it's going to have more impact than something like 'you're hotter than Hell'.
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Bridge
What about something universal that ties the listener into the song
like
We're all locked and chained to our hearts desire
where there's passion there's fire
blah blah etc
It would change the mood allowing you to come back real dirty in the outro
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Bridge
What about something universal that ties the listener into the song
like
We're all locked and chained to our hearts desire
where there's passion there's fire
blah blah etc
It would change the mood allowing you to come back real dirty in the outro
Hmmmmmmm I like it. THanks Mickey. Yes I think a bridge would definately give this
song a bit more depth. Thanks for the sugg.
Cheers
G
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Hi Alex,
No it's not constructive at all. Just destructive. You tell me you don't like it without offering any suggs ??? So suggest away, I'm all ears (and eyes) LOL
Sorry... my suggestion is to try to avoid using cliches, and to take a little longer writing your lyrics. Come up with something original and even if it isn't the greatest metaphor in the world, i guarantee it's going to have more impact than something like 'you're hotter than Hell'.
Lighten up buddy. No problem. This really was a fun write, ;D simple and meant to be catchy. I write for different genres, some are serious and some are light, playful and fun. To be honest I doubt whether theres any words out there that could describe "Hotter than Hell" better than I have.
Unless you can think of something? ???
Oh somebody just told me to go check out Avril Levine's Bad Girl on U Tube which is very similar to this one. So that's what I'm gonna do.
;D ;D
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Bridge
What about something universal that ties the listener into the song
like
We're all locked and chained to our hearts desire
where there's passion there's fire
blah blah etc
It would change the mood allowing you to come back real dirty in the outro
Hi Mickey, thanks for the sugg for a bridge. ;D
I was thinking something along your lines like
Bridge
We’re all prisoners of our heart’s desire
Unlock the passion and fuel the fire
Kindred spirits on a trip of fantasy
Only the fortunate make it reality
and maybe really "Spicing it up" with making this V3 and making V3 into V4. What do you think?
So come on baby
Get on your knees
I know just how
You love to tease
I’ve got the whip
Come beg and plead
Bring it on Bab-beeee
Yeah my ecstasyyyyy
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Yaaaaaaaaaaay A friend of mine Tony just told me that this reminds him so much of Rhianna's S & M song. And he is so
right!!! Really a fun video and song LOL
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I think it is a fun song & I also think there is cliche' in most songs & that every song ,has a source & comes from something already done? I think a lot of comments left on Gwyneths sexy song
are a bit unfair...... The title should be clue that its a fun song........ :)
I like these fun lyrics if every song was biblical & serious or if every song was the same
there would be no variety so this is artistic expression.......creativity. Theres no need to hack away at the roots of creativity...............
Well done Gwneth Keep that flow goin................ Stylus :)
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I think it is a fun song & I also think there is cliche' in most songs & that every song ,has a source & comes from something already done? I think a lot of comments left on Gwyneths sexy song
are a bit unfair...... The title should be clue that its a fun song........ :)
I like these fun lyrics if every song was biblical & serious or if every song was the same
there would be no variety so this is artistic expression.......creativity. Theres no need to hack away at the roots of creativity...............
Well done Gwneth Keep that flow goin................ Stylus :)
Hi Stylus.
Thank you my friend and agree with absolutely everything you just said. ;D ;D ;D I'm a fun person who is generally in a good mood. I'd much rather have a happy cliche' than a morbid serious depressive view on life.
Thank you so much for coming to my defence. You are my hero!! :-*
;D ;D ;DHugs
Gwyneth
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I'm loving this one.Who doesn't love risque numbers.I gotta be honest though and say I don't really get a rock vibe from this as a 'read'.IMHO this is more suited to a Pop/EDM type uptempo beat- something like Ke$ha or Niki Minaj.In fact the whole lyric seems to suit an artist of that nature.
No problem with the hotter than hell line-sure its been used before but so has a lot of other cliches and lines in many songs.
Chorus is good- simple, repetitive and catchy. The key to it will be getting the right melody and if this is cracked you'll have one hell of a strong hook. I'm not sure what else needs to be said about this one.I'm loving the bridge idea but maybe a short 1/2 line pre might add to the hook and build up to a'big'chorus.
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whip mi !!!!!!!!!!! ;D ;D ;D ;D
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Ah. This is kinky as in 'use a feather,' not the whole chicken. Gotcha ;D (it's a quote, people)
I'm usually the one to call lyrics generic, but that's only when they can't quite do the job the lyricist sets out for them and these do. Besides, most lines weren't generic - just one or two phrases we've all heard before, not enough to create a problem. I'd have liked, in a song about sex, to hear more of the sights, sounds, smells, and emotions, to create a connection with the listener and to stir that damp, slightly sticky part of their brain into remembering it, but that's more with a mind to radio play and record sales and I'm not sure if you want that for your music. And 'Nothing' by A (literally the most difficult song to Google (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zxj7IxPmoIw)) is similar to this and does fine in the same, plain-speaking manner.
There was nothing else about it I'd change, it'd certainly be a great addition to my post-gig soundtrack if you got it published ( 8) ). As for the genre it could almost be anything. I'd like to say grunge or punk or rock or metal or any of these, but that's only because a lot of fans well into their sub-genres like kinky stuff. Now that's more mainstream, thanks to Fifty Shades of Grey and the like, the appeal of this song need not be confined to them. I'd personally like to hear it as rock in the same vein as The Pretty Reckless' first album (songs like this (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6PXWD3s9E40)) but that's just me.
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Thanks so much for the kind words. Really appreciate the look in. I agree the music is what's going to make or break this song. I do think it's got potential. You know I have 2 music scouts that contacted me on Twitter to hear my best song. Well I don't have one yet. The 2 that musos have put together for me, My Dragon and Hey Hey Bully are okay but not what I'd consider submitting LOL.
Just got to plug away and hope I'll find that muso with the right mesh. Oh well, one can dream. Who knows, maybe it'll still happen hehehe. ;)
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whip mi !!!!!!!!!!! ;D ;D ;D ;D
Slave, how dare you appear before me without your leather thong!!!!! Get on your knees!!!!
Time to be punished!!!!! ;D ;D ;D
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They have music scouts...on Twitter? :o
I never before thought that was a thing. I...I'm not sure how I thought they scouted, in all honesty xD
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Thanks so much for the great review. Really dig both those songs you linked, but prefer the "A Nothing " most!! Wow, that really rocks. Would love that for this song. :)
Yes, I didn't want to go too explicit, prefered to leave it more to the imagination LOL I mean these lyrics really are pretty tame, nothing offensive, crude or vulgar, just kinky fun!!
Really? An addition to your post gig soundtrack? Tell me more!!!! Sounds interesting, of course the publishing of this, is still pie in the sky ;D ;D ;D
Thanks again for the time and effort to review, so glad you like it and wouldn't change anything. That means a lot to me :-*
Cheers
G
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It's nothing overly interesting, just after a gig at a place that pays more than peanuts me and the band like to 'recommend' people. Basically cover them. If we put music to this, we could send it to you, then I'll let the lead singer, Ryan, deal with payment and all that. All we'd do is play it, not claim it, and if you wanted us not to fair game ;D
I'll check the others are up for it, but they did tell me to find artists with songs we could perform, and have said we need a sexual one.
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They have music scouts...on Twitter? :o
I never before thought that was a thing. I...I'm not sure how I thought they scouted, in all honesty xD
If it's like the "music scouts" on Myspace Music, they "scout" around for anyone with songs, then send them a generic letter telling them that their music is GREATER THAN GREAT, and that if we will only send them $300.00 they can make us a star. I would suspect it's pretty much the same people.
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They have music scouts...on Twitter? :o
I never before thought that was a thing. I...I'm not sure how I thought they scouted, in all honesty xD
Yeah that's how they scout these days. U Tube and Twitter. I have a fan base of almost 700 fans on Twitter @Gwyneth97 LOL and I'm usually tweeting something about my lyrics,or a song. My profile shows my Webpage which has some of my better lyrics on it. Problem is it's only lyrics - no completed songs.
So normally after I tweet something interesting (like to Prime Circle a local band here whose music I adore, or Warcrab in the UK- we chat sometimes or one of the other bands I like, I'll tweet the link to their latest song saying something like - "check this latest song out by...... it's awesome." Usually I get some new fans, and now and then a music scout following me back , the last one sent me a msg saying to tweet him my best song - he respresents Univeral and Sony.)Thing is I "m still waiting for my "Best Song" to be done LOL
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If it's like the "music scouts" on Myspace Music, they "scout" around for anyone with songs, then send them a generic letter telling them that their music is GREATER THAN GREAT, and that if we will only send them $300.00 they can make us a star. I would suspect it's pretty much the same people.
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Yeah I'm wise to those guys. Dont worry!!! When I first started composing lyrics I had not one but 2 contracts sent to me from Nashville,loving my lyrics and offering "To make me Famous" one was from Paramount Song in Nashville the A & R Team LOl So all I had to do was send them$599 to make the demo and also sign away virtually all my rights (in the small print) and voila I'd be an instant sensation hehehehe.
Noooooooo there are a lot of blood suckers out there taking advantage of dreamers, problem is they con a lot of people out of their money and nothing comes of it. Just google rip off and Paramount and see all the complaints. The big guys like Sony Music and Universal and Columbia etc are almost impossible to get to, they won't accept unsolicated material (demos just just thrown in the trash because of legal issues)But..........but their scouts go looking for new talent all the time and if they think you're good enough they will find you, problem is if (that's a big if) you get noticed you've got one shot so you can't waste it on a half baked demo, it's got to blow them away!!!!!!!!!!! Hence my reticence on submitting what I've got so far. It's just not good enough :-)
Cheers
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It's nothing overly interesting, just after a gig at a place that pays more than peanuts me and the band like to 'recommend' people. Basically cover them. If we put music to this, we could send it to you, then I'll let the lead singer, Ryan, deal with payment and all that. All we'd do is play it, not claim it, and if you wanted us not to fair game ;D
I'll check the others are up for it, but they did tell me to find artists with songs we could perform, and have said we need a sexual one.
Hi James,
I'm so pleased to see you put your own pic back - huge improvement on Miz P Cruz in my opinion LOL
Cool!! See if your guys dig this song; and if they do, go for it!!! You can send me the MP3 of the completed song. I'll upload it to Soundcloud and I'll pitch to the scouts. Also have a couple of DJ buddies in the UK , so that it can get airplay as well. ;D ;D ;D I am extremely resourceful when I have a reason hehehe. So give me one, wont you ;D ;D ;D
I'll send you an email to hook up and we can chat a bit further on this. Now you've got me excited. Yaaaaaaaaaaay ;D ;D ;D
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It's nothing overly interesting, just after a gig at a place that pays more than peanuts me and the band like to 'recommend' people. Basically cover them. If we put music to this, we could send it to you, then I'll let the lead singer, Ryan, deal with payment and all that. All we'd do is play it, not claim it, and if you wanted us not to fair game ;D
I'll check the others are up for it, but they did tell me to find artists with songs we could perform, and have said we need a sexual one.
Thought I'd just put the revised lyric together ;D
Sex Slave
All rights reserved
Gwyneth Rose
V1
Why should I
Give you the key
Why should I
Set you free
I like your chains
They suit you well
You so sexy baby
You hotter than Hell
Chorus
Can’t you see baby
You’re my ecstasy
Never set you free
You’re my ecstasy
Oh yeah my ecstasy
V2
You on my mind
Day and night
I get turned on
How you fight
You the object
Of my desire’
You ooze sex baby
You light my fire
Chorus
Can’t you see baby
You’re my ecstasy
Never set you free
You’re my ecstasy
Oh yeah my ecstasy
V3
So come on baby
Get on your knees
I know just how
You love to tease
I’ve got the whip
Come beg and plead
Bring it on Bab-beeee
Yeah my ecstasyyyyy
V4
In my dungeon
I treat you well
You’re my slave
You like to play
When I’m with you
You blow me away
You my reason baby
Yeah for living baby
You’re my ecstasy
Bridge
We’re all prisoners of our heart’s desire
Unlock the passion and fuel the fire
Kindred spirits on a trip of fantasy
Only the fortunate make it reality
Chorus out…..
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But no-one can ever be a patch on her sister Monica :'(
I can get a bassline down and send you it within a week - probably a couple days actually - and the guitarist will work around that. All the music should be virtually ready as soon as I get back down home in a month's time. Then hopefully this summer, all the money and payment stuff sorted, we can play it. If they like the lyrics, that is. Can't see why not.
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But no-one can ever be a patch on her sister Monica :'(
I can get a bassline down and send you it within a week - probably a couple days actually - and the guitarist will work around that. All the music should be virtually ready as soon as I get back down home in a month's time. Then hopefully this summer, all the money and payment stuff sorted, we can play it. If they like the lyrics, that is. Can't see why not.
I've just sent you a PM
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Hmm, now a male singing this would just be creepy - or maybe there's a double standard making me think that.. Regarding the use of cliche - I guess it's a question of wanting to write a good lyric, or something that's gonna sell - there's an argument for either approach!
I too thought ecstasy doesn't have the impact you want - I would replace it with "You're my SEX SLAVE" (sorry to SHOUT) as that really blasts and sticks to the theme. Genre - maybe racey country or rock. It's a bit too edgey for pop IMO.
Nice one!
Paul
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Hmm, now a male singing this would just be creepy - or maybe there's a double standard making me think that.. Regarding the use of cliche - I guess it's a question of wanting to write a good lyric, or something that's gonna sell - there's an argument for either approach!
I too thought ecstasy doesn't have the impact you want - I would replace it with "You're my SEX SLAVE" (sorry to SHOUT) as that really blasts and sticks to the theme. Genre - maybe racey country or rock. It's a bit too edgey for pop IMO.
Nice one!
Paul
That's just your personal opinion, as either sex could sing this. 8) I'd say be prepared to be creeped out coz a male is gonna sing it ;D ;D ;D
Thanks for the sugg but it doesn't rhyme with my chorus. I love the ecstasy in it , think it's a great hook and apart from you and Jess everyone else seems to love it too Impact wise.... So I think the jury's in on that already. ;D
Thanks for the feedback, yeah definately going to be Rock I think.
Cheers
G
Oh BTW - In the Writing Process board, I posted an interesting guideline on "Things to consider when offering critique" - It's worth checking out, really some pearls of wisdom there. I'll just post a couple of extracts here from it to give you an idea.........
3.Critique is a discussion. It is not an argument, there are no winners and losers, there is only "trying to improve the song". Don't pronounce your opinion believing it is absolutely right. You are not a god of song writing or recording.
4.Be honest, but be respectful of the member's critique preferences. If they don't want a blunt thorough comment don't post it. If you have comments and suggestions, ASK the member if you can post your comments and suggestions.
5.Every writer here has passed or still has to pass the point where they realise that they are not as amazing a writer as they think they are. It can be uncomfortable and confidence sapping. Please remember the writer you are dealing with may not have had that epiphany yet. It is not up to you to make them confront that moment of self awareness. That happens in it's own time.
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That's just your personal opinion
Yes, but by posting here, you have effectively asked for it ::). I never claimed to be right.
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But no-one can ever be a patch on her sister Monica :'(
I can get a bassline down and send you it within a week - probably a couple days actually - and the guitarist will work around that. All the music should be virtually ready as soon as I get back down home in a month's time. Then hopefully this summer, all the money and payment stuff sorted, we can play it. If they like the lyrics, that is. Can't see why not.
Yaaaay getting excited now!!! Looking forward to hearing the bass line soon.
Thanks James