The Songwriter Forum - songwriting reviews, tips and chat
Songwriter Forum => Feedback on Works in Progress => Topic started by: Alan Starkie on March 28, 2014, 12:24:40 AM
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I'm writing this song specifically for a young American female singer.
Everything is rough and all tracks are guide tracks.
I'm going to offer it to her 'people' when it's finished.
https://soundcloud.com/alanstarkie/brand-new-eyes-master/s-9n2Ig
It's a female lyric so just go with my vocal take (demo purposes only)
It's also a little too 'heavy' at the moment.
Find my way
Slow down if you want me to hear
Everything you're trying to say to me
Times change and I'm spreading my wings
But it doesn't mean I'm gonna fly away
We start off little but were growing up fast
Growing up fast, growing up fast
I've got to
Find my way in a world that turns today
Make the most of my life
Find my way, I'm a girl that wants to see
Everything through brand new eyes
We shine like the sun through the rain
A million drops that turn into one
New lives in a world that's so old
But love is always here when I'm alone
I'll make it work with the love that I give
I'm going to live, going to live
I've got to
Find my way in a world that turns today
Make the most of my life
Find my way, I'm a girl that wants to see
Everything through brand new eyes
Mama gave her word, she said little bird
You can fly when I'm not there
There's no rainbows end, just believe in yourself
So I try and do what she said
I see love, I see hope, I won't fail, I can cope
With the life that I'm going to live
I've got to
Find my way in a world that turns today
Make the most of my life
Find my way, I'm a girl that wants to see
Everything through brand new eyes
Find my way in a world that turns today
Make the most of my life
I've got to
Find my way, I'm a girl that wants to see
Everything through brand new eyes
Everything through brand new eyes
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Alan,
Up to your usual quality standards.....
So I'm thinking Sheryl Crow or Pink singing it and I like the verse which I can her with a female vocals.
The key change into the chorus took me by surprise first time around and the melody over the repeated three chords sound a bit 'male' to me if that makes any sort of sense? I'm not sure whether the lead line wants to have melodic variation on it? I'm hearing notes a 3rd above what you're singing?
Alternatively you might want to introduce another chord in there ( i.e. if D - A - E - A sequence I'd think about some variance maybe D - A - E - B ) to give some slight change?
I really liked the middle section with the harmonies.
Let us know how its turns out, btw it would be great to hear one of your songs which have been recorded by others.
:)
Neil
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Thanks Neil.
So I'm thinking Sheryl Crow or Pink singing it and I like the verse which I can her with a female vocals.
If you knew my target you'd be quite surprised I think :-)
Let us know how its turns out, btw it would be great to hear one of your songs which have been recorded by others.
Tell me about it!
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Hi, I really enjoyed this, like I enjoyed the other track of yours I've heard on this board. So I guess your songs hits the spot for me!
I think there are times when the melody needs more variation, but clearly, as you say, it's a demo so that's not really a valid criticism.
Other than that, I've got nothing negative to say! Enjoying your stuff.
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Alan, you really know how to songwrite,
you write songs
that are clear and strong
it is always a pleasure to listen to what you make
lyrics and melody always well thought about
everytime, and in every detail
yes!
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Hi, I really enjoyed this, like I enjoyed the other track of yours I've heard on this board. So I guess your songs hits the spot for me!
I think there are times when the melody needs more variation, but clearly, as you say, it's a demo so that's not really a valid criticism.
Other than that, I've got nothing negative to say! Enjoying your stuff.
Thanks Sunfighter.
Thanks for the soundcloud likes too.
Blue Meanies - excellent :-)
Alan, you really know how to songwrite,
you write songs
that are clear and strong
it is always a pleasure to listen to what you make
lyrics and melody always well thought about
everytime, and in every detail
yes!
Thanks Dutchbeat :-)
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This is a beautifully recorded song - impeccable playing, singing and production. I thought the bass line in particular was played beautifully. You have an appealing voice which makes the listener buy into what you are singing. My first thought when I played this was "Oasis", particularly in the verses. I am sure this was not intentional and I'm probably completely wrong - just the way my ears work! I would kill to be able to write such hooky songs - you have a real gift for writing memorable phrases. I wonder are you writing songs with the intention of others recording them or are you wanting to perform them in your own right?
Incredible level of talent.....
M
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Thanks Monty.
I'm writing for other artists.
I have no desire to perform anymore. I did it for years and loved it for years with varying degrees of success.
I'm dedicated to writing for other artists now.
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Listening as I type.
This is a very appealing song. Beautiful guitar work from the lead-in to the end of the song. Nice lyric and a very good overall concept.
Not my absolute favorite of your songs, but it's right up there with the best of them. Very well written song.
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Hi Alan, really like the verses and the middle eight. The last line of the chorus is a bit 'clunky', doesn't really flow for me. Your usual great playing and singing. I think you need to improve the chorus to match the rest of the song, and I'm not saying that in a negative way, you can write and perform!
Good luck hope she likes it!
Cheers
Jamie