The Songwriter Forum - songwriting reviews, tips and chat
Songwriter Forum => Lyrics => Topic started by: BooBoo on September 25, 2013, 09:23:27 PM
-
Firstly I don't like this title so please if you have any other suggestions could you let me know?? Secondly found out some really bad news yesterday which I imagine becomes clear in the lyrics. Anyway please tell me what you think :)
Verse
Black is all that I can see,
It's the blackness that surround me,
Petrified to the spot,
Frozen in a state if shock,
Too young, can't be your time,
Reminisce to when everything was fine,
All I do now is stand and stare,
And cry with the people who care
Chorus
Silently I rock back and forth,
Arms embrace me keep me warm,
Everyone says the truth will hurt,
But it's the people you love who kill you first,
Left alone unable to talk,
I will when the dead can walk
Verse
Puddles form in front of my eyes,
Realising life is a prize,
Shuck up and shaking,
Every part of me is breaking,
Wishing that you could have a round two,
We would help you start over brand new,
But you're no longer here,
I try and hide every tear
Chorus
Silently I rock back and forth,
Arms embrace me keep me warm,
Everyone says the truth will hurt,
But it's the people you love who kill you first,
Left alone unable to talk,
I will when the dead can walk
Bridge
Your face forever etched into my mind,
You heart was ever so kind,
You were someone hard to find,
You are someone hard to find,
Chorus
Silently I rock back and forth,
Arms embrace me keep me warm,
Everyone says the truth will hurt,
But it's the people you love who kill you first,
Left alone unable to talk,
I will when the dead can walk
-
A very emotional song, I found it gripping as I read through the verses, your lyrics so heartfelt that I could completely empathise with the pain you are expressing. The chorus really speaks to me, but I have to say I really like the whole song.
Al
-
Firstly I don't like this title so please if you have any other suggestions could you let me know?? Secondly found out some really bad news yesterday which I imagine becomes clear in the lyrics. Anyway please tell me what you think :)
Verse
Black is all that I can see,
It's the blackness that surround me,
Petrified to the spot,
Frozen in a state if shock,
Too young, can't be your time,
Reminisce to when everything was fine,
All I do now is stand and stare,
And cry with the people who care
Chorus
Silently I rock back and forth,
Arms embrace me keep me warm,
Everyone says the truth will hurt,
But it's the people you love who kill you first,
Left alone unable to talk,
I will when the dead can walk
Verse
Puddles form in front of my eyes,
Realising life is a prize,
Shuck up and shaking,
Every part of me is breaking,
Wishing that you could have a round two,
We would help you start over brand new,
But you're no longer here,
I try and hide every tear
Chorus
Silently I rock back and forth,
Arms embrace me keep me warm,
Everyone says the truth will hurt,
But it's the people you love who kill you first,
Left alone unable to talk,
I will when the dead can walk
Bridge
Your face forever etched into my mind,
You heart was ever so kind,
You were someone hard to find,
You are someone hard to find,
Chorus
Silently I rock back and forth,
Arms embrace me keep me warm,
Everyone says the truth will hurt,
But it's the people you love who kill you first,
Left alone unable to talk,
I will when the dead can walk
If it were me, I'd title it "The People You Love" and rework some of the lines to accentuate that.
It leads one to expect one thing, then the song delivers a surprise. It's my opinion that surprises are good things in lyrics.
As for the insulting review I just read, please don't take it to heart. Dunno what's at work in someone's mind to write something like that, but it's just one person's opinion at best, and God knows what at worst.
-
As for the insulting review I just read, please don't take it to heart. Dunno what's at work in someone's mind to write something like that, but it's just one person's opinion at best, and God knows what at worst.
Firstly, what insulting review!? Allan was being nice!?
Anyway, I loved this, it made me sad because it was a sad song but it made me happy that you'd written something so good. The chorus was amazing, that bit stood out for me so much. The line about the people you love killing you first was probably one of the best lines I've ever read in a lyric. I think it would make a good alternative title, although it might be a little long. I personally liked the original title, when I saw it posted I was drawn to it straight away, even before I realised you'd posted it. Maybe 'til the dead can walk' would make it sound more 'gentle', but I rather liked your title.
Big sympathy hugs from me x Jess
-
Thank you for your comments
Allen - thank you so much, I'm glad you found it gripping
Hardtwistmusic - thanks for the suggestion, I will keep that in mind!
Jess - I think his comments have been delegated but there was a troll user on here who was basically saying everyone was shit! He wasn't in about Allan! Well I'm glad you like it and that line, I'm quite proud of that lines if I do say so myself ;) thanks for the title suggestions as well!
-
Hi BooBoo,
I really liked this.
Plenty of good lines and emotion.
I would maybe change 'blackness' to 'darkness' in line two.
Nice one,
Phil.
-
Jess - I think his comments have been delegated but there was a troll user on here who was basically saying everyone was shit! He wasn't in about Allan!
Ahh!! I was soo confused! I was like WHATS ALLAN DONE!? But now it's all goood :)
-
These are really powerful lyrics! I really liked them, and I, personally, liked the title. But that's because the title speaks to me as a metal head :p Anyway, the lyrics are strong and they really grabbed me in for a ride!
-
As for the insulting review I just read, please don't take it to heart. Dunno what's at work in someone's mind to write something like that, but it's just one person's opinion at best, and God knows what at worst.
Firstly, what insulting review!? Allan was being nice!?
Anyway, I loved this, it made me sad because it was a sad song but it made me happy that you'd written something so good. The chorus was amazing, that bit stood out for me so much. The line about the people you love killing you first was probably one of the best lines I've ever read in a lyric. I think it would make a good alternative title, although it might be a little long. I personally liked the original title, when I saw it posted I was drawn to it straight away, even before I realised you'd posted it. Maybe 'til the dead can walk' would make it sound more 'gentle', but I rather liked your title.
Big sympathy hugs from me x Jess
It was (appropriately) deleted, and I suspect the poster is now banned. He/she seemed to be deliberately insulting just to GET banned.
-
BTW, this gets better with every read. I was in a hurry when I first read it because I was rushed to read and respond on my break at work. I didn't fully get the meaning. I am so sorry you are experiencing such a tragedy. I suspect we all have a little bit of understanding of what it feels like, if not "how you feel."
Hope you can keep your chin up and the pain subsides.
-
Hey boo, sorry about the bad news, hope ur ok, enjoyed the song, liked the chorus :)
Well done
James
-
Peejay - yeah I think darkness would work better, thank you!
Eatthechildren - wow I'm glad you find them strong! Thank you
Hardtwistmusic - thank you again! Means a lot that you've took the time to tea it again haha
Jameba - I'm fine, I guess, thank you! I'm glad you like the chorus!
-
I think "Dead can walk" is an incredible song title (and I'm defo not a metal head!), and it's a really powerful line in your song, in fact all of the chorus is really powerful, esp the last 4 lines of it. The whole song is good but for me it's the chorus that's got the strongest lyric.
I hope you are ok!! Sounds like a rough time....
-
These lyrics punch you right in the head, superb. Real.
I would title: "People you Love".
Terry.
-
hi boo boo,
hope you are ok, it's never nice to recieve bad news, but to be able to put your feelings into words, in the form of a song, may help in some way, and help ease the pain !
the hurt is obvious to see here, heartfelt and emotional piece, i like the song boo but if iwas to say a negative, i would change PUDDLES for TEARDROPS, just has a softer more descriptive feel, IMO, puddles seems a bit childish, but please ignore if you don't agree.
really like the chorus,
so hope you are ok.
kev !
-
Thanks for your reviews!
Caco - well I'm glad you like the title how it currently is and you think the chorus is powerful. Means a lot so thank you!
Terrysains - haha we must be on the same wave length, I've been thinking about People You Love as a title. Torn between that and the original!
Kevin B - when I used puddles for this I meant it to show how much I've been crying and how the tears have formed puddles in a sense. So for that not sure how well teardrops would work. Thank you for the suggestion though!
-
hi boo boo
yeh i understand why you have used it , but it's gona be hard to sing it with emotion, thats all i was getting at,
how about :- pools of tears flow from my eyes !
or even :- teardrops gather infront of my eyes !
but as always boo, this is only a suggestion, you can totaly ignore if you wish !
take care :)
kev !
-
Very nice lyrics BooBoo, the chorus to me read like heavy metal but the verses don't read like heavy metal, but i think the two could fit very well together music wise, as for the name, (I will when the dead can walk)
Hope you're Okay BooBoo, Really nice lyrics.
-
Love these lyrics, awesome job BooBoo, as I read them I can sense the pain your in. Do you have an idea in your head of how this would sound??
Ant....
-
Hi Boo,
Good lyric, the music could go in lots of different directions, look forward to how it evolves ;D. I think the title is fine, if it were mine I would call it 'truth will hurt', but titles are very subjective, so what do I know! ;D 8) ;)
Cheers
Jamie
-
Thanks for the replies guys!
Kevin - ill definitely take what you've said into consideration!
Dogmax - heavy metal wasn't really what I was going for, I don't listen to it but it's interesting to think the song could go that way. And I'm fine thank you!
E50 - pain was what I was going for haha. Hmm not really at the moment. Thanks for commenting.
Jamie - thanks for your review.
-
Some very powerful words here Booboo, very emotional stuff. I can imagine it being arranged in an Adele type of style, lots of piano and emotional vocals. It's really very good and is well worth developing.
I hope all is well in your world, take care.
hab
-
Hi,
What a honest song. I like that. Sometimes as writers there is a temptation to try and over complicate things or make them too clever. This has some sheer honesty about it.
The chorus is really good, especially the second half;
But it's the people you love who kill you first,
Left alone unable to talk,
I will when the dead can walk
I too like the (When) Dead Can Walk title. Says what you are feeling.
Don't know what you have planned musically, but exposed vocal like Lennon singing "Mother" would be great. Or perhaps something dark and grungy.
Hope you and yours are okay.
All the best,
Digger
-
I hope you are ok, it must have been hard to write the song.
I like the line Puddles form in front of my eyes. Suggests either tears or rain, or both which seems appropriate.
Depending on how brave you feel and whether you and those around you think its appropriate the title should be the person's name. I'd feel honoured if somebody wrote something this good for somebody I love.
Other wise I think Dead can Walk is the second best title.
Take care,
diadem
-
brutal honesty and raw emotion, just the way it should be, there needs to be more people like you writing for the famous people, I don't understand why there isn't, you really have impressed me this time and that takes a lot.
-
hi booboo nice to see you are still here and still holding on, you have grown lyrically too.
i enjoyed reading your lyrics, they are strong and powerful and they tell the story intended. nice work
-
Habitat - thank you so much!
Digger72 - glad you like the chorus. Honesty was what I was aiming for!
Diademgrove - thank you so much. And I actually found the song quite easy to write because it was exactly what I was feeling at the time and I find that easier to write about.
Sellon - I'm glad I've impressed you haha!!
Titiami - well I'm glad I'm growing lyrically, I'd worry otherwise haha. Thank you!!!
-
Hi BooBoo,
I hope you are ok. I wasn't thinking about how easy writing the words down was but what the words meant to you as you wrote them.
Take care,
diadem
-
There's a clear emotionalism in this that permeates into ever sinew of this lyric that has been crafted in such an emotionally honest and frank yet at the same time clever way that makes this lyric something else. You've managed to express your very clear emotional distress in a very artistic manner in a way few probably can.Lines that say how you feel but in a way that makes the reader sit back and go 'wow' and then reflect deeper include life being a prize, the people you love killing you first, your desire for a round 2. You've articulated all the dark feelings so well and the only downside is that you have had this dark episode but if it were written abstractly it wouldn't have the raw emotionalism that is reflected seamlessly in well crafted lyrics.The Script line 'take that rage and put it on the age' kinda springs to mind because I think that is exactly what you've done in a very constructive and imaginative way.
-
I totally love this song, it had me gripped from beginning to end.
"...it's the people you love who kill you first"
This is my favorite line, and its so very true. Also the fact that you said "...it's the people you love who kill you first" rather than just "...it's the people you love who kill you"; I think its very clever.
I like to pride myself with my song titles so it would be rude of me not to offer a suggestion.
Although, I kind of like way "Dead Can Walk" is used like another way of saying "when pigs fly". I think the song title really works in that manner, it may be as simple as calling it "When The Dead Can Walk".
So yeah, amazing song!!
-
Nice lyrics BooBoo :) As always