The Songwriter Forum - songwriting reviews, tips and chat
Songwriter Forum => Feedback on Works in Progress => Topic started by: S.T.C on April 15, 2013, 03:41:05 PM
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AH,AH...one of my rare postings ;D
https://soundcloud.com/songsthatcry/follow-this-bob-1
A complete rough thingy..done in one take..i wanted to see if i could make these lyrics into something...didn`t go as i wanted it to..but ,it is was it is at the moment..
It`s theme is something to do with Bob Dylan...hence the title...cos i saw him interviewed and he said he could no longer write like he used to..the inspiration as gone...
Critique? whatever comes to mind...i do have an opinion of myself..it`s not all bad. ;)
Lyrics...here]..i didn't `t stick to them religiously or in this order.
i just can`t seem to wake up
and stumble from my slumbers
my only catatonic strain. of mind
a second coming of sorts
a full on state of severance
like old catatonia,come to breath
new life and find forgiveness
in my broken ,unkind ugliness
and undressed thoughts
.. scattered...if not nearly lost.
I threw a punch and said follow this Bob
if you were a younger man you`d say i did a good job
And as i cut and i stab,all that anyone could do
is jump and hope that a rope of silver strings
is there to feel ....if not to grab on to...
Now this may seem more than confusing
when arms and legs are blue with the bruising.
You can`t stop the women from running and losing
their pursuers ,to cut their losses ,who`s choosing.
Ride on,ride out
ride on, ride out
Don`t forget to tip the guy
at the roundabout.
And as i rise and fall
can`t take my eyes off it all
solve my problems another day
take my life,my breath away.
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the first 45 secs are pretty mega that melody, it kinda goes somewhere different after that just didnt feel the same for me! i would have built on the first 45 seconds! the recording of the guitar could be better!
that first 45 seconds mate thats what its about for me on this one , could be tremendous if you get that stronger and stick with that for most of the song in and out of that bit with better recording of the guitar!
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I didn`t write it to be a vs,chorus vs type of thing..but i will do..just wanted to see if anything interesting came up using what was there,,,
I`m going to get an electric acoustic and a second mic for guitar...don`t think one is enough...but thanks for the comment...i can see a better 2nd version...also need to sort this DAW as well...seems where the clever stuff is.
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Hey STC,
Good to hear you again!
I reckon you've got a lot of words in there, and not quite enough space for them at the moment. A bit of a restructure should sort it. It's clearly a words first write. I'd probably be inclined to divide it up into chunks, in the more traditional verse/chorus structure, just so you can work with it a bit easier. The content is great, as always though.
Good work.
hab..
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Your voice sounds really good in that lower region, STC
i hear very good sections, but on first listen i had trouble to see the bigger picture, but as you say you were not after a verse-chorus -verse type of thing
i think i have most difficulty with what sounds to me like a constant change of tempo ::) ::) ::)
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Thanks boys ...like i said..i didn`t write it as a song..sounds daft i know..but i felt challenged to have a go all the same....this is why it`s in `sections`that don`t fit/follow with each other...
i`ts wordy..that`s not necessarily a problem....some of Dylans stuff is almost a rant to music :D
I will write it out in more of a song format..and work on a better recording...you know..trying to read lyrics,sing,make up chords as you go,,takes a bit of practice..... :)
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Hey STC, Glad to see you're sticking with the singer songwritery stuff ;D ;D I think this one needs more chords mate ;D Might help the lyrics 'scan' better...there's a lot to fit in ;D Your vocals are REALLY improving....you're singing with a lot more confidence, it really is nice listening to you. The lines 'As I rise and fall, I can't take my eyes off it all '.....stick out like a sore thumb as a chorus hook to me. I'm looking forward to see how you handle this one ;D ;D
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Lyrics are all there and there is enough melody there but does need some restructuring especially with the wordiness in places. I think its mainly the number of words you are trying to put in that makes it feel a tad cumbersome cause the guitar sounds pretty good and fluent.
Its certainly worth perservering with, its got the makings.
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Hey STC ;D
You definitely have a voice that could be recorded well ;D
You write great lyrics but you dont always write to a nice rhythm even simple things like -
i just can`t seem to wake up
and stumble from my slumbers
my only catatonic strain. of mind
a second coming of sorts would be better
i just can`t seem to wake up
and stumble from my slumbers
my only catatonic strain
a second coming of sorts
There are some glorious lines in there and it has bags of potential ;D
I would really encourage you to write to the melody now - pick 4 simple chords - even C G Am F - and play them over and over - sing anything - develop the song lyrics to the exact beat
Thanks for sharing mate - it always take guts :)
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There are some really glorious moments in here where the lyrics, chords and melody all come together with that weird guitar sound you've got and it's absolutely wonderful. You haven't included all the lyrics so I can't pinpoint them all but 2:37 to 3:14 is one of them. I would encourage you to take note of what kafla has said in his review. You've got real talent but you're not doing it justice at the moment. Song writing is not easy and I think you need to put the hard hours in to polish your craft. Write and rewrite until you can't make 1 word better and the melody fits in naturally with the words.
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Out of the chaos comes order and all that. It's like folk and jazz get together over a spliff. Which is promising.
I like your voice and it works well for the track. I'm thinking Idiot wind by Bob Dylan, where he has shin loads of lyrics and content but wrestled it into a narrative both melodic and lyrical.
The song starts well, and then free falls so cancels out the really great lyrics and story. It does need space, pause and evolving but I loved so many snippets in this song and hear where you might go.
It will be a powerful song once you steady it.
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Out of the chaos comes order and all that. It's like folk and jazz get together over a spliff. Which is promising.
I like your voice and it works well for the track. I'm thinking Idiot wind by Bob Dylan, where he has shin loads of lyrics and content but wrestled it into a narrative both melodic and lyrical.
The song starts well, and then free falls so cancels out the really great lyrics and story. It does need space, pause and evolving but I loved so many snippets in this song and hear where you might go.
It will be a powerful song once you steady it.
Iv`e learnt from a few others,don`t be to embarrassed to show anything...there`s always some merit in it......anyway iv`e got a couple of days off , so going to rework it ..pick the best elements and whip it into shape...which was always my intention...
Idiot wind is a good song..
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I can hear the Dylan in this, but all the rhythm changes are so hard to follow. I don't have a problem with wordy, but I think you're going to need to pay special attention to the music to give the lyrics enough room to be heard.
A bit more repetition wouldn't hurt either - not necessarily lyrical, but some recurring melody would really help this song along in my opinion.
At the moment it sounds like a jam (I think it is a jam). Consolidation of all the ideas, a bit of pruning, and some careful arranging ought to see you right :)
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Idiot Wind is the track I always skip from blood on the tracks. His off pitch whine loses me; shoulders go up and finger goes striaght for the skip button! But that is just me.
This is a bit crazy.
It starts as a clear, defined song, and then you o all over the shop. Occasionally hitting a wonderful convergence of melody, lyric and chord, and when you do it soars.
In between, the meandering nature is almost defiant, not wanting us in.
Your vocal is VERY much stronger, again esp in those first few lines.
It interests me, the way when you record the moment you hit the las chord you always dive fot the stop button. Never letting the chord hold or decay. It suggests to me you still find the process unnerving. I really want you to get over this, as there are great signs here.
My advice mirrors some of the others here. Try to be more concise and refined. Fine simpler melodies, and fewer of them. This way you can refine your lyrics and melodies at once and bring us along for the ride more easily.
Good to see you posting again regardless :)
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Out of the chaos comes order and all that. It's like folk and jazz get together over a spliff. Which is promising.
I bow to the greatness of STC, but calmlondon is right - this is a spliff, friends get together type of song - it has no commercial value - but, I have no doubt, it has lots of personal value. Treasure it.
:-)
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`I bow to the greatness of STC,`
I quite like you ,ya know ;D
Greatness,,,hmmm we shall see.
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I can't disagree with other posters re tweaking the structure a bit but I certainly think most of what is needed is there. The title of this song had me intrigued and I really didn't know what to expect. I liked what I heard as I thought it still held that air of intrigue in that the lyrics don't give too much away and that there is quite a dark feel to the melody.
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I really like this. I think it is good to relate to and the lyrics are amazing.
Good work :D