The Songwriter Forum - songwriting reviews, tips and chat
Songwriter Forum => Feedback on Works in Progress => Topic started by: Sing4me88 on April 14, 2013, 04:53:21 PM
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Hi guys. This is a really, really rough draft of our latest offering. Very much a work in progress. We've had a stab at writing a commercially viable Pop song for a female girl group like Little Mix, Saturdays etc
Rob is on vocals so please bear in mind that when reviewing. Imagine it being sang an octave or so higher by a girl group!
Feedback on lyrics, arrangement and melody much appreaciated :)
https://soundcloud.com/robbie_kevin/laws-of-attraction-1
Lyrics
Law of atrraction ©Hearty/James 2013
V1
Hey boy. I haven’t a clue,
Why I can’t take my eyes off you,
I got a feeling. I think its new,
Feelings great, the feelings good
Cos, every time, I look at you,
I see flashing lights, hear sirens too
PC
Can you tell me, can you tell me
What I’m meant to,
What I’m meant to do
What I'm meant to do
You know I’m feeling, know I'm feeling
So attracted,
So attracted to you
So attracted to you
Attracted to you
C
It’s the, law of attraction,
I feel it happening,
Between me and you
Between you and me
You and me
It’s the laws of attraction
The physical reaction,
Between you and me
Between me and you,
Me and you
V2
It’s obvious, you turn me o-on,
My minds goin’ an' my heart is gone,
I dunno where, this all came from,
And no idea, where its going
Oh boy, I so wanna kiss you,
Tell me do you feel, this way too?
PC
Can you tell me, can you tell me
What I’m meant to,
What I’m meant to do,
What I’m meant to do
You know I’m feeling, know I'm feeling
So attracted,
So attracted to you
So attracted to you
Attracted to you
C
It’s the law...
B
Oh-oh feel it, feel it,
Feel the attraction,
Oh oh feel it, feel it,
The physical reaction,
The physical, physical,
Physical reaction
Physical, physical, now we know that
C
It’s the, law of attraction you know
its happening...
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Well I'd say you've pretty much achieved what you set out to do. There's a good framework there with plenty of interest. I don't know why but I kept thinking there'll be a key change any minute :)
Lots to play with vocally and to spread out among a few singers. As it stands it seems there's far too many words in places but it all depends on how you dress it up.
Seems like a nice, boppy, teenage sort of number and the lyric works for that but you may want to just have another look at one or two of the lines like ... um ...'Oh oh feel it, feel it, The physical reaction' ... Oooer missus! And 'I see flashing lights, hear sirens too' is a bit dodgy IMHO.
The chorus really doesn't grab me though. This is the bit you expect everyone to be humming for days after hearing it and ... well, I've already forgotten it. Don't worry, It's only a week to go now (forum rules) before I can post something for you to get your own back ;)
I've got to say that it's a really good effort. It's not easy deliberately writing a certain type of song when you probably really want to write something slightly different. And to do it for the opposite gender doesn't exactly make it any easier.
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i like it, i would scrap your chorus and use your pre-chorus as the main chorus as i feel its alot stronger.
I would keep this song for myself to be fair, matbe develop it to your liking. im hearing tom petty in this. its a good catchy song for you but i doubt it would work in a girlband. 14yr old lasses just wouldnt get this.
thats not to say its not a good song. you should keep it to use yourself, i reckon you would do it more justice.
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Thanks for the feedback guys. Will take it on board when developing this one. Interesting Tom Petty remark as someone else actually said that to me in person earlier today!
Will work o trying to the chorus just 'right' and then of course it'll be over to a producer to weave their magic. First of course there's the small matter of getting female vocals down but all is in hand! :)
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I've never actually commented on this bit of the forum (I stick to the lyric section) but I saw you were trying to write with a 'Little Mix' girl band kind of vibe and I thought, I'm in there kind of 'era' so I'll give it a listen- and I'm glad I did. I like the theme, the chords, all fits very well, and gets the toe tapping, but I do agree with others, when I was listening, I thought the pre-chorus was the chorus. Still liked it though- you nailed the girl band vibe.
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This is a great song. As has already been said, you have hit your target of a commercially viable pop song. A couple of musical points: as ShinyThang says, it is crying out for a key change - any respectable pop song must have a key change a la Westlife! Also, the bridge does not differentiate itself from the rest of the song to be a truly proper bridge - here, I'd maybe lose the lyrics and let rip with an instrumental, peut-etre?
I also wouldn't pigeon-hole this song for a girly band - I was hearing traces of country and even Bryan Adams in this song. You could try and rock it up a bit and you will instantly have a significantly larger target audience.
Good track, nevertheless, so keep working on it :)
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Nice catchy feel...I must say I was expecting something a little more esoteric with that tittle, but of course you are aiming for a very young audience so that wouldn't work...I guess have to agree with some of the other comments about this song probably not working for a real young girl band as is, but maybe with a female vocal, a few tweaks and the right production, it might just work...I think it has good potential as a great pop tune...thanks for this share 8)
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Great pop song ;D ;D ;D ;D
I wasnt sure about the me to you , you to me and so on - maybe just a bit to much
but the beat, melody and sing a long a bility are first class - great effort :)
Great mid 8 ;D
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I get what you're doing especially with the verse and the PC but agree with others re the chorus:
- You already have a PC at 'Cos, every time, I look at you...'
- The PC is pretty energetic and the chorus can't compete
- I found the 'Between you and me Between me and you' sounded odd
And with the verse you have 4 parts to the song plus the 2.45 'feel the attraction'
You've good catchy pieces but if you're going for pop charts, focus, simplify, de-clutter and restructure.
I could hear the B Adams thing too..
I hope this helps
:)
Neil
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sounds like its a bit of a mix between sixties girl group pop and yeah theres a bryan adams bit in there!
sounds great just vocal and acoustic i can imagine this been spiced up a bit!
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Great title and very well sung, but I also have a problem with the lyrics, women have the dating game sewn up, they have arranged things so they face no rejection, they just sit and choose,
"women choose the man who chooses her".
So I'm of the opinion that women could not empathise with these feelings of doubt and fear, but I believe a man could!! Good luck. Terry.
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I got quite a Lightning Seeds vibe from it, and I mean, they fired out quite a few good pop songs (a little bit before my day), but it's a good solid song.
I was trying to figure out why it sounded slightly hollow, It's maybe because I'm listening through my laptop speakers, but I can't hear a bass, I think firing a jolly bass riff in would add a whole new dimension. I thought the prechorus was stronger than the chorus also. But it's a good song! I think it'd have more justice if you changed, boy to girl, and made it your own.
Great singing though, and the guitar sounds majestically crisp. Good job!
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allright, that is a very commercial, very nice song
super!!! great title title / hook: it's the laws of attraction...physical reaction
ACE!
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Very catchy, very pop. Loved the beat, melody and vocal. Nice variation in the guitars but I think it needs doe work lyric wise. As others have pointed out its a bit word in a couple of lines. As wel I find the line " the feelings great, the feelings good " to be particularly weak. To me it's like setting a trend that the feeling has gone from great to good. The second part oh that line should build on he irst not detract from it.
I would look at replacing flashing lights and sirens as well if it was my song. The lines between you and me, between me and you, indicate that you are both feeling the same way but then the last line of V2 is in direct contradiction to this. I think you need to decide wether ther both feel the same way or not and stick with it. I know it sounds nit picking but it's the little details that form the tapestry of the story.
It's a good write and certainly enjoyed the song and the feedback here has all been positive and given you a good way forward with this work.
Kudos to you
Allan.
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Hi guys. Thanks for all the constructive feedback on this one. When attempting to write a Pop song for a young female act we weren't sure if we'd come close to pulling it off but I'm glad we've seemed to do ok with a few minor tweaks and rough edges needing smoothened.
Looking at tweaking the chorus melody to make it as catchy as the pre as per the suggestion of many posters and will look at the few lyrical tweaks suggested. Hoping to get proper female vocals laid down on this one in the coming weeks and hopefully that will ignite the track and give it a more genuine Pop feel :)
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It's catchy. Lyrically banal and insipid. Unarguably hooky. Falls at every hurdle from a musicological and lyrical dissection. It has 1960's chord changes yet somehow dilutes them; nueters them in fact.
I predict it will be a huge number one Should it fall into the Hands of "One Direction".
Kudos!
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Thanks for all the feedback guys. Glad you can see something of worth in it :)
We are in the process of making a bit of time to re-work this one. Looking at addressing the fact that the pre is catchier than the chorus. We're also toying with the idea of tweaking the lyrics to make it a bubblegum boy band number in light of the feeling from several posters that it works well with male vocals as it is.
Who knows what we'll end up with but I'm sure we'll get plenty of feedback on the completed song ;)