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Songwriter Forum => Feedback on Works in Progress => Topic started by: habiTat on April 11, 2013, 08:08:18 PM
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Hi everyone,
I wrote this a couple of months ago and have asked Michael to work with me producing it. We are currently working on a different project but plan to begin this one soon. The trouble is we're not sure how to approach it, do we emphasise the acoustic guitar element or go rocky? All ideas are very welcome.
The lyrics are in part inspired by my daughter, and partly by the approaching comet expected in November.
http://soundcloud.com/whitewinter-habitat/the-girl-with-the-stars-in-her
She arrived on a comet
Took me by surprise
The girl with bright shimmering
Stars in her eyes
She gave me a smile
She blew me away
That comet was glaring
Turned night into day
People were staring
Watching aghast
As she dazzled us all
So quickly she passed
The girl
With the shimmering
Stars in her eyes
She opened my heart on
The day she arrived
The girl
Just a visitor
Can't say she's mine
I'm just a guardian
Til she takes her own line
Years they will pass
And the comet will go
Into the universe
Where nobody knows
When she returns
I'll be old I'll be grey
But she'll still be young
And we'll remember the day
The girl
With the beautiful
Stars in her eyes
Opened my heart
The day she arrived
The girl
Just a visitor
Was never mine
I was just a guardian
Til she took her own line
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Hi Habitat,
For me I'd take the idea from the lyrics. You're talking about space - take the music otherworldly. Get some swirling synths and may be some relatively clean electric guitars in there. I'd go the whole hog and have flanged vocals here and there - but that may well not be your style.
Digger
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I am not hearing a rock vibe here at all so wouldn't necessarily go this route
The rhythm is suggesting a more "Mumford & Sons" group dynamic for me - thumping drum, banjos, fiddles, loads of voices singing along etc. - especially during the breaks
That is what I heard
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I have a little girl so this has me from beat one!
I love it. Mumford and Sons - definitely.
Maybe bring some high capo picking in midway or just high capo strumming to fatten the original acoustic part. Harmonies would also fit great in this song. Higher harmony in the second verse?
Simple single bass note in each 6/8 bar would work.
Fine as it is though tbh.
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Very , very good Habi
I am getting Stones Roses type indie rock from this one
Love the lyrics and the melody - this pure class ;D
I think you are strumming a nylon string guitar and that never sounds good IMO but I realise that this is a demo ???
Brilliant writing mate - I think you improve with every song ;D
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ah nice strummy song from you! sounds like it could be a rocky number from you mind but i just love acoustic numbers! some cool lyrics in there especially i dig the chorus like fantastic that could be epic that chorus! ohhh no harmonies on this demo haha!
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Im with boydie I just dont hear it as a rock number. Lyrics are too strong for that and I also think your voice is so much more suited to folk. Deffinately want a bass and some drums throw in some banjo and mandolin some harmonies and your done. çourse thats easier said than done lol
Loved the lyrics and melody on this one. Be interesting to hear where you go with it.
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I'm with serious fun - I'm thinking keep it acoustic and folky. The basic switch between the 2 main chords is great - it propels the song along and with the addition of other instruments you could build and keep interest. I think maybe an instrumental passage with different chords to give the ear a "rest".
Lovely lyrics, melody is sound. It has all the makings.
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100 agree with others re staying clear of rock and going for the Mumford and sons sound. The strumming fits in well with the tone of the lyrics and gives it a 'nice' feel that IMO a rocked up approach would lose. I love the 'can't say he's mine' last two lines, deliver a real emotive punch with such simple words :)
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I don't think my comments are going to be very helpful, but I really liked it, I like the way it flows and the fact that it's about your daughter makes it personal. Lyrically I think the rhyming is great and your writing is so effortless but so good- the chorus is very strong :)
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Hi ;D...some niffty strumming there Hab ;D...don't think it's rocky though. I'm getting strings, keyboards, big choral backing....BIG production. But I like 'the sound of music', so you might not want to listen to me ;D ;D ;D
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Hi Habitat,
I think this song is awesome...I don't hear it as a rock song either...it seems like it should be a delicate song, maybe some finger picking guitar even and some spacey harmonies...either real simple or big production like Binladeda suggests with strings etc...the lyrics are great although the line 'so quickly she passed' kinda through me a bit...my immediate thought was that she'd died...you might want to change 'she passed to, it passed'...really great song...can't wait to hear what you do with it 8)
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Hi ;D...some niffty strumming there Hab ;D...don't think it's rocky though. I'm getting strings, keyboards, big choral backing....BIG production. But I like 'the sound of music', so you might not want to listen to me ;D ;D ;D
I love the 'sound of music' too...I played the part of one of the nuns in a local production a few years ago...it was awesome ;D
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very good strumming, Habi, and a cool song, the chorus is very cathcy
but indeed, especially a deep bass and some fat string sounds would help to take this all the way home, in my opinion
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It seems that the acoustic version is the favoured route forward :)
Mind you a few swirling synths, delicately added to the mix, would bring out the spacey, out of this world, comet theme, without changing the overall feeling too much either.
I think you could also add much more emotion into the chorus: by flattening the chorus and taking it down the scale, so it becomes a little bit sad, more emotional - and this also fits the idea of a comet, because it arrives in a flash of excitement, but as it fades away, the emotion changes to sadness......
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Hey Hab
I swear I was thinking Mumford & Sons before I read it in the comments. But not so much in a banjo & fiddle sense, just more the kind of energy they put out.
If I was producing this I'd go for arpeggio guitar while you're singing with strumming in between, some tasteful electronica, and an acoustic piano with bags of reverb on it. Some light percussion and you're done in my opinion.
I would try to avoid over-doing it. The melody and lyric stand up well with just an acoustic, so tread carefully.
I definitely don't hear this as rock, partly because it's in 6/8 which can be weird if you get too heavy.
But it's your song. Interested to hear what you boys come up with :)
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This is like groundhog comment but defo keep it folk and delicate. Really lovely song. I'm not sure about the solid strumming all the way through, so dominant - yet it kinda works - if you chop it up a bit.
I want to hear some trailing/spiraling melody to support the 'until she takes her own line' - and some contrasting instrument to swoop, and soar here and there.
Beaut uplifting song, very memorable.
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Girls and Dads eh..
Definitely o acoustic folk, it suits the meter of the way you sing it, its skips along nicely, slight Travis in their acoustic mode. Nice melody, which gets to you by the chorus. You might want to think about using the chorus structure as an intro with some lead - maybe tine whistle? An agree with point about counter melody - perhaps a female voice or backing vocals towards the end?
Have fun finishing it off.
:)
Neil
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I don't want this to be a short review, but there's not a lot I can say.
Definitely keep this acoustic, It works so well with the vocals, I think a rock vibe would force a slightly different melody, because you won't be doing this brilliant strumming pattern.
It sounds quite a lot like the Decemberists I think. The melody, and the vocals are spot on, and the lyrics are wonderful, and vivid.
Great job, really. I really like this as it is!
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I love the way you have put the comet and the arrival of your daughter together, I think this is very clever.
I would say it is a love song so would go acoustic and not rock. I enjoyed every moment. Well done. Terry Sains
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Whatever you add to this keep it sparse and let the loud soft pervade. Allow the lyrics to take the fore and add complimentary, soft harmonies, soft oohs perhaps.
The chorus is lovely and is the selling point.
Mumford is a good touching point here
Alas, your workspace is very dead. I would want this produced airy, reverby, so perhaps emulate this of find an open space to record the guitars and vocals
Lovely track and strong melodies throughout
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Hi Hab!
I too think you should go full folk with this one. Add a nice simple bass drum, some banjo maybe, a good and steady bass line.
And yes, I would also suggest you lose the nylon. Never been a big fan of the sound anyway, but doesn't really fit this at all I think.
Oh yes, and don't forget to go nuts on the harmonies ;)
SD
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hi habitat,
very clever i got the mix of the comet and the little girl
got a little girl myself so i know that feeling
great strumming to
thanks for a lovely piece, keep it going...