The Songwriter Forum - songwriting reviews, tips and chat
Songwriter Forum => Lyrics => Topic started by: dimallthelights on April 30, 2012, 06:50:59 PM
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Hi all.
This is my first post and the first time I have really shown anybody what I write.
Would love some feedback!....
Infactuated with ideas that never make it past a mention
Inundated with fears that smear progression
tension, stiffens my bones I don't walk the way I used to
or get loose to electronic music with the carelessness that you's do
the roundabout in my head isn't there cos I choose to go round in circles in an attempt to lose you
bad love will bruise you
still confuse you with the person I used to see straight through though
Its strange to see the stranger that made ya
detached, rematched, no sense of loss to phase her
whiskey subdues the pain that rooms in my room with faliure
i guess what moving away does is enable her to not think about having to stay here,
i just lay here,
somedays I smoke Sundays get hazier and hazier,
lazier and lazier,
only a woman can tame the downfall when danger becomes a man's only savior.
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It's good, it is, but it doesn't quite come off as a song. Nor a poem, actually.
Is this meant to be a whole song or are you just showing us part of a song? It reads like it could be a set of verses...
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Don't think its a song, I read it more like a letter to someone..
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I agree it doesn't come off as a song
however, when I came to this forum I often had a message
wether it be lost love or even in angst of love or another message
but the forum has slowly shaped me through honest feedback
that being said you have a creativeness about you, why else would you seek out the forum
keep at it my friend and listen to the guys, they only wanna help
Gaz