The Songwriter Forum - songwriting reviews, tips and chat
Songwriter Forum => Feedback on Finished songs => Topic started by: PaulAds on March 29, 2022, 10:22:00 PM
-
This started off with an idea Andy @kafla (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=22842) had about writing a song in a foreign language....and then it went off on one a bit. The tune it morphs into is an old Russian Folk Tune I last heard when I was around 10...it's haunted me ever since and I don't even know what it's called...I'm not even sure I remember the tune correctly.
In many ways, I haven't really thought this one through at all...but there we are...I thought I'd throw it out there. I just re-wrote some sections today and recorded it in one go...so it's perhaps a little rough. And unconventional. It may as well be...as it's not an attempt to de-throne Coldplay.
The drums were a play-through by a guy called Jim Dooley...and I really liked them...so always figured I'd do a song a bit like this. It sounds quite military...and with the way things are heading, it seemed like the ideal time to knock something up.
Lyrics hopefully retain an element of mystery, but then again...probably only a small element ;)
The great benefit of living in a democracy is that we are free to formulate and offer our own opinions :'(
One Way Ticket
The ravens fly from the tower
The lions relinquish their pride
Unable to cling on to power
Hollowed out from inside
You fall for it even before they push you
You stand where they tell you to stand
A one way ticket is all that you need
And you can’t wait to strike up the band
When witchcraft loses it’s mystery
The truth starts breaking the spell
We reside on the wrong side of history
We drink, then we poison the well
You fall for it even before they push you
You stand where they tell you to stand
A one way ticket is all that you need
And you can’t wait to strike up the band
The darkest winter approaches
A pale horse travels the land
A sorry attempt at utopia
Sinks back into the sand...
Mix will likely develop a little as I figure out where I've gone wrong...and hopefully you kind people will put me straight!
Ta for listening :)
-
I love it, of course. "You fall for it even before they push you." I think that might have been me once upon a time.
I have one suggestion...don't know if I can get it across by typing, but...
"And you can't WAIT ... to strike up the band." That word "wait" feels more important to me than "can't" and I have this urge to hear it stressed. Might be just me, though.
This is kind of an earworm, isn't it? I've listened a couple of times. I'd go more, but I need to get some sleep.
-
Hola @PaulAds (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=20253)
This is a 10 out of 10, it's catchy, the arrangement is what it has to be, the rhythm drags the feet, the melody of the song makes you hum it right away, the guitars are on point, lyrics are great, what else I can say?
I liked it a lot. Everything here is very good, it also has a point of nostalgia, melancholy, sadness that accompany the story.
Stay we'll
Mora
-
Hi @PaulAds (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=20253), not sure you should have put that Ruski voice on there, as you’re going to get that creepy guy I told you about checking you out! Good, my wife will be happy at least! 😉
Very clever this how it morphs into something entirely different at the end. I was expecting the Stalingrad army to start singing an anthemic outro at any second. But it definitely works.
The Dystopian view of the world is especially made sadder by that lovely dipping melody on line four of the verse.
The guitar break is a winner in some ways, cutting through and pleasing on the ear. But I wondered if was maybe a bit triumphant for such a moving or bleak song, if you get me. I really do like the evocative mood you create in the main body of the song.
But this is great, classic PaulAds stuff, with meaningful lyrics and loads of memorable musical turns of phrase and catchy themes. Most excellent to see you knocking out a new one too. Hopefully you are back on the saddle as you’re straight back on form with this one. 👍
-
Good points, Michael and Vicki…to be honest, I’d have probably put this in the “work in progress” section once upon a time…but the way the forum is these days, I might as well put it in the garden shed.
I had a listen today and think I’ll lose the Russian voice altogether…it was because of the foreign language challenge idea, of course…
I don’t like the guitar solo at all…but just left it. I thought I’d use the end tune as a solo and then come back for another chorus to end with…then thought it wouldn’t sound right.
I do like the idea of having a fairly decent thing going that suddenly gets steamrollered by something very cold and hard coming along. We’re more than likely going to experience that militarily and/or financially very soon, if we aren’t careful. Which, of course, we aren’t.
So thanks again for the input…it’ll be dead useful to hear what the general consensus is.
-
Oh Yeah ! I've listened to this a few times now and I love it. It's a great idea to use the basis of an old Russian folk song. There's something wistfully nostalgic about it, I can imagine it being sung years ago. Nice touch with the military style drums and the balalaika style guitar break. As usual, your lyrics are a work of art in themselves. So glad that you're knocking out some new stuff - Would love to know what the Russian girl is saying - probably "Excuse me, where is the station" Top stuff as usual @PaulAds (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=20253)
-
Thanks John 😀
Goodnight USA
Goodnight Great Britain
Goodnight Europe
Do you understand me?
Goodbye.
-
@PaulAds (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=20253)
Hi Paul, the military style drum pattern works really well with the theme, and I loved the harmony guitar solo, keep it in! Didn't recognise the Russian folk song ( honest I'm not a Russian spy...niet!) Timely lyric delivered in the sardonic P Ads style! Very catchy, enjoyed it!
Cheers
Jamie
-
What I love about your productions mate is that they are all so consistent….you have a sound and you stick to it….the way a band would.
I’m loving the drums and the bass is a highlight….it’s a lovely refrain chorus and the M8 guitar solo is ahhhhhh….perfect :-*
The instrumental break instead of the chorus is where this really gets interesting for me as it’s fckn cool….now here is me being a bit mental but I’m wondering if the arrangement could be flipped to begin with this section ?
Never the less this is a captivating piece and I really enjoyed it mate ;D
-
|Hi Paul
Nice the hear that PaulAds sound again.
Lyrics, melody and vocals - all outstanding IMO.
Solid bass and drums as expected :D
Really liked the first guitar solo - but thought the (second one?) could have been some Russian instrument not that I have a clue what that instrument would be... :D
Nice work :D
Paul
-
Hey Paul.
Love those 'machine gun' snare rattles.
Super harmony guitar work totally works for me,that and taking things down to play with the dynamics.
The dystopian scenery conjured by the lyrics and the spoken phrases at the end add to the unease,like someone shouting a warning in a dream,but you can't quite understand and it bothers.
Brill stuff,sir. 8)
-
Hey the Russian is gone!??? I caught this on SC a few days ago.. And there was a Russian at the beginning, right?
As Skub says, love those snare hits - fab!
I keep thinking "cool" listening to it - everything about it, drums and that lovely guitar riffery. lyrics. singing.. oh and the Russian is still there I hear :) - maybe I'm misremembering and she wasn't at the beginning at all!
I love the slowness of the vocal delivery (if that makes sense! :) )..
Fantastic!!
K
-
I really enjoyed this Paul! For something you suggest was a bit willy nilly it came together very nicely I thought. The vocal melody is great and well performed, but for me my favourite part of the song was the guitar work at the end of the song on that lovely little melody you repeat and build on. Very nice!🤩🎶👊🏻🎶
-
Hi Paul, percussion is a real stand out for me... even before reading your comment I was getting the military vibe. I liked the way the drums are mixed pretty high so that military rat-tat-tat carries through the whole song.
I also really liked the way the song evolves into that guitar melody towards the end. I thought that was an unusual structure but it works really well ... it is kind of one song evolving into another (but seamlessly). I'd keep the Russian lady samples personally... I first heard this on Soundcloud a few days ago before having a chance to relisten and comment, and it was one of the first things that intrigued me on first listen. A timely track, full of character.
-
Lovely song
Wonderful, evocative lyrics
And from maybe 2.38 it kind of steps aside
and rolls about happy as a dog in dirt.
Another gem of a song from you.
Well done. I enjoyed that.