The Songwriter Forum - songwriting reviews, tips and chat
Songwriter Forum => Feedback on Finished songs => Topic started by: LostBoy on January 06, 2022, 12:37:36 AM
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Hi guys,
It’s very unusual for me to write a song this fast, but there is a 1+1 contest on another forum this month and I wanted to enter something, so I came up with this….God it’s depressing…I apologise for that….it’s just where the chords/melody took me I guess. (I’ve always loved sad songs though, so I do enjoy writing them every now and then.😊)
All feedback is welcome…hopefully the performance sells the song and makes it seem personal, but the lyrics are only a story, so I won’t be offended if you critique them.👍🏻
Cheers for listening
Leo
https://soundcloud.com/leo-b-5/photograph-i-hide?si=0e5db425328c4c01929eaa8abf01bde4&utm_source=clipboard&utm_medium=text&utm_campaign=social_sharing
Verse 1.
Got a call from a number that I didn’t recognise
told my new girlfriend to let it go to my voice mail
And when i listened…..I cried
What I heard was the choked up and broken words of your sister
Telling me the terrible truth
and how I wished I could have been there by her side.
Not so long ago
We were still together
But I could never let you go
Hayley, beautiful and bright
You always knew just how to make me smile
Though I can’t be where you are tonight
I’ll hold you close in the photograph I hide
And every memory I find
Verse 2.
Took my seat at the service behind the other guy
That was tough
But then what’s not
When you’re stuck
There in the nightmare
Crying why.
You have always known
Just how much I love you
Everybody loves you so….
Bridge.
All the years we had
All the years I held you
But I was always hoping
I was always hoping…..for more
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WOW, Leo! This is so sad, but so incredibly beautiful :'( I love just the voice and piano. It's perfect and of course your amazing voice!
I wish I could come up with a song like this so quickly...well actually, even slowly :) Good luck in the competition.
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Hola @LostBoy (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=20481)
it is the first song I hear today as the sun comes through the window. The truth is that it has made me sad, the piano has that voice that moves feeling. This story will have happened many times and thus told and sung it pinches the heart. I really liked it.
Buenos días!
Mora
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@crystalsuzy (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=18947) @moraamarolaloba (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=21233) Thank you for checking it out ladies! I’m sorry it made you sad…no escaping that really though considering the lyric i suppose….that’s one reason why I wrote it so quick I guess….so that I didn’t have to stay in that mindset for too long.
Happier songs to come though!😄😄😄😄😄
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charming piano
and lovely melody
the lyrics are sentimentally very articulate
not my thing, still
a very well written song
an excellent display of your talent!
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Hey Leo, powerful track. What I really liked about it the most was the extra layer of nuance and sadness in the lyrics... the fact that the narrator has a new girlfriend that he has to hide all this from... that adds extra dynamics, some sympathy for the new girlfriend as well as some mixed feelings towards the narrator. It's incredibly well sung of course. What I also think is really interesting about your lyrics (not just this song) is that when you read them on the page, they don't look like they are going to scan at all - there's not an obvious 'rhythm' to them when you read them, but in the context of the song they work brilliantly and the rhythm emerges. I'm gonna have to study how you do that.
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@LostBoy (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=20481) - I agree with @PaulyX (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=21034) when I read the lyrics I couldn’t see for the life of me how they would fit any rhythm, very intricate phrasing, and comes together well.
Solo Piano and Leo go well together…
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@Lostboy, Leo my friend, this is a beautiful song. Some of the musical intervals are wonderful. Beautiful piano and vocal. It's so good that I'd revisit to rewrite the chorus which in my opinion, doesn't quite match the brilliance of the rest of the song. I'd like to end on a positive note and so I will say during thr best parts, it truly shines!
Paul
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@LostBoy (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=20481) Beautiful piano and your voice, as always, is excellent. I disagree with Paul, I think the chorus really fits the song well. Love it.
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@PaulyX (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=21034) @Wicked Deeds (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=19231) @PeteS (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=22588) @rightly (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=20219) @cowparsleyman (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=21308) Thanks very much chaps for your thoughts on this one. I appreciate you taking the time.🤩👍🏻
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Well…. A sad 1+1 piano song… kinda right up my street 🙂!
And surprise surprise I loved it. Fantastic emotional vocal - we’re there with you in your sadness…
Great song @LostBoy (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=20481) - simple arrangement is perfect for it!
Beautiful!
K
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Hi
a lovely song & a sweet voice
this song screams out for some orchestration in my ears
would love to hear it build up with strings, Chellos etc
like Nothing but Thieves did with their song Impossible
well done & a great song
subvibe
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@LostBoy (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=20481)
Hi Leo, worked beautifully with just the piano, the pressure to develop with strings etc must have been a challenge? But well resisted. Great lyric, beautifully sung.
Excellent
Jamie
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@LostBoy (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=20481) Leo - You sure have an ear for a melody, I think you could craft a melody over almost any backing track. Your vocals are outstanding as usual. Subtle piano backing track works perfectly -
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I know quite a few people (including myself) that would kill for a voice like yours! Envious? Me? Nah! :-) :-)
Anyway, a great write and performance pal, great dynamics and use of space.
Can't really add anything except that I bet my life on you winning that contest :-)
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I think I’ll try to console myself with the thought that I wouldn’t do anything like this…because I couldn’t do anything like this.
The (fantastic) title tells a story in itself.
You seem to have been overwhelmed with options in your love life.
I have no photographs to hide. Then again, if I had any photographs of the very narrow demographic of women who’d have let me have a crack at them, they’d be photographs worth hiding…
Beautifully done.
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I hear personal thoughts in the song and it's cool also beautiful and bright melody.
After listening to the song, I feel spirituality and see different images in my head like light souls.
Brilliant piano.
Maya
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Yo Leo.
I was fortunate enough to grab this one a couple of weeks ago. Still as lovely now as then.
You could sing the telephone directory and make it sound good.
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@MonnoDB (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=19820) @subvibe (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=22847) @pompeyjazz (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=20269) @Jamie (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=19125) @Jambrains (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=19875) @PaulAds (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=20253) @Maya Clars (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=22624) @Skub (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=20061) Thanks very much everyone, you have all said some really nice things and I am very grateful, as always for the encouragement I get on here.😄🤩🎶👍🏻🎶