The Songwriter Forum - songwriting reviews, tips and chat
Songwriter Forum => Feedback on Finished songs => Topic started by: man made material on November 02, 2021, 05:56:24 PM
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I hope everyone is doing well? I haven’t been able to spend time on here or making music for ages, all good stuff, just time was hard to come by! I think I started this a couple of months ago and finally snatched enough hours to finish it off…
It’s a subject I’ve touched on before, inflicting pain to someone you once loved after a break up… a cheerful little ditty!😁
https://soundcloud.app.goo.gl/Qh8Mqb6cRL64eX3J8
Lyrics:
Remember the beginning?
There was something that we thought could grow
But patience started thinning
And it came a time that we should go our separate ways.
And as usual, things were said
to hurt when we each saw red
You couldn't let it go until I bled
You tore my tired heart out
Left me for dead
So why do you still waste your time?
Trying to kill a dead man
Trying to kill a dead man
This love, if love it was...
Once a source of joy and hope.
I once kissed your neck
And now you slip my neck inside a rope noose.
So much pain and anger,
This empty hornet's nest is just a husk
But you keep on kicking
Grinding it to dust...
So why do you still waste your time?
Trying to kill a dead man
Trying to kill a dead man
You know the dead can't die...
Trying to kill a dead man
Trying to kill a dead man
You know the dead can't die...
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Hola @man made material (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=22704)
The lyrics are raw, hard, and then the simplicity of the singing-speaking voice ...
I liked a lot
But when you sing "trying to kill a dead man" it hit me in the ear, as if the effect you have put on the voice took it out of the tuning, although it can also be valid that way it looks really strange.
Maybe the voice could have less volume? That way it would be more integrated into the instrumentation, which by the way, I like it a lot.
Stay well
Mora
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Hey dude!
Great to have you back on here and I’m glad you found time to make some more music!😄👍🏻 I love the way the music moves around in this track it’s really good!
The melody on the hook is so unusual to my ears…which is a good thing…it’s just not the melody I would have chosen….another good thing!! Original is good!
The only thing I wasn’t crazy about was the line “you know the dead can’t die”….sorry man, it just sounds like something “Derek Zoolander” would say!😆🤷🏼♂️ In fact I can see him making a cameo in the video….which would also be very cool!👍🏻
Like I said mate, it’s great to hear you making music again. Lots to like on this one.🎶👊🏻🎶🤩
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@man made material (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=22704),
Lovely production. I’m really enjoying the mood that you have created here. The music is very direct. I’m sure I’ve said this before. You have a knack of not wasting any musical notes and go straight to the heart of the matter, capturing your lyrical thoughts with a strong musical backdrop.
Quality
Paul
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I like the sentiment of the song most
It resonates with me.
Meeting malicious types that can't find anything to destroy.
Often beyond reasoning.
Good song
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@moraamarolaloba (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=21233) sorry I hurt your ears!😁 thanks for giving it a go though!
@LostBoy (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=20481) cheers sir! I thought I needed a little lightness against all the dark and the ‘dead can’t die’ line was supposed to be the icing on the cake to finish it off, turned out it was the cheese course instead!😂
@Wicked Deeds (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=19231) thanks for your positive comments sir! I try to make the most of the limited amount I’ve got!👍😁
@rightly (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=20219) thanks man, I’m not sure what it is about the darker side of people that I seem to get drawn to write about, I’m a happy chap really!
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@moraamarolaloba (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=21233) sorry I hurt your ears!😁 thanks for giving it a go though!
@LostBoy (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=20481) cheers sir! I thought I needed a little lightness against all the dark and the ‘dead can’t die’ line was supposed to be the icing on the cake to finish it off, turned out it was the cheese course instead!😂
@Wicked Deeds (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=19231) thanks for your positive comments sir! I try to make the most of the limited amount I’ve got!👍😁
@rightly (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=20219) thanks man, I’m not sure what it is about the darker side of people that I seem to get drawn to write about, I’m a happy chap really!
@man made material (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=22704)
lol. I'm the same
"happy-go-lucky", ask me how I'm doing though, and I just might tell you.
I think it's a very healthy tendency to consider the darker sides to experience
This is a away of appreciating the true nature of it, having a more complete relationship to the experience, (for me at least).
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Hey there MMM......I have always been able to escape those zombie killers. Women like that create the zombie only for their own sadistic exercise.
Love the lyric. The melody and vocal convey the message clear. Love the guitar...reminds me of Van Halen.
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A really clever song. Not the kind of thing I usually listen to but this is really well crafted. Interesting vocals (lyrics) over a great electronic arrangement. No crits from me. Excellent :)
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Very interesting track ... liked it. Like some others I thought the melody of the chorus vocal really stood out - in a good way, it's unusual against the underlying chords, slightly unsettling but therefore very memorable. I liked the analogue-y synth sounds too - and the lyrics work as well. Good one.
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@man made material (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=22704) - Love this song, right up might quirky street. Like the lyrical phrasing, why not have bits of the Verse with a second octave spaced vocals, completely randomly? might add some edge.
Might work with a BIG snare in somewhere, I often use 3 or 4 snares in a song.
Love this
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@IronKnee (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=20409) @ChrisPrice (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=22723) @PaulyX (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=21034) @cowparsleyman (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=21308) thanks for listening guys and the positive feedback!🙏 Plus no references to the human league so far!😂 interesting notes Rich, I might delve back into this after I’ve got away from it for a while and try a couple of those things out👍
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Beautiful synths in the intro, it immediately attracts attention. I really like this unique processed sound of the vocals.
The song has a fast and energetic rhythm but the vocals sound very smoothly. It causes the feeling of the impetuous flying.
Great and original song. Pleasure to listen to.
Maya
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Great arps - very melodic and offer lots of scope musically. It also sounds like the kind of thing Floyd were experimenting with when the Moogs first came out in the early 70's - so right up my alley there. You have a really great Baritone voice - very reminiscent of Phil Oakey and this whole thing was an 80's blast for me - took me right back and let me forget the world for a moment. I would really like to hear you sing something like Scott Walker would have done - you could pull that shit right off... an epic, tragic ballad. It is right in your range...
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thanks for listening guys and the positive feedback!🙏 Plus no references to the human league so far!😂
I was actually going to say Human League, but now I won't.
I love the track, and the hook is great.
Did you know there is a track by Portishead called "To Kill a Dead Man". Not that it really matters, and you can hardly do anything about it anyway.
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Great title - and I LOVE the descending melody line on that chorus @man made material (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=22704) ...
As one who writes on dark themes a lot, the lyric really appeals to me. Production is fab - organ / synths are super with those underpinning arpeggiator sounds.. Really love it..
I don't think you've posted anything I haven't really liked so no surprise really that this one appeals to me greatly..
Beautifully executed!
K
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Hi MMM,
Great intro.
Song sounded like a mash up of many of my own influences; Muse in that repeating synth line, early 80s synth band vocals - got a bit of Phil Oakley in the verses. :)
Wasn't so keen on the chorus vocal processing.
Really liked the song though
Digger
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I found this really fascinating...
First off - I really like the lyrics...I'm a miserable bastard - so I fell in straight away.
The wobbly intro made me feel a bit funny...maybe it was because I was listening with headphones...I don't know. Great and bold choice of sounds, though...very interesting.
I don't know how you managed to pitch the vocals in this...or even play it...it sounds to me like it's jumping around different keys and discombobulated me a little...I'm quite a traditional sort of fella, I think...and it was possibly a little out of my comfort zone. Even the well-worn "moving up the guitar/bass neck a semitone" is enough to make me feel seasick!
Anyway...I'm really pleased that you could be getting back into it...as you're presence here is very much appreciated...you've given us a lot of great songs...long may it continue.