The Songwriter Forum - songwriting reviews, tips and chat
Songwriter Forum => Feedback on Finished songs => Topic started by: LostBoy on July 26, 2021, 10:32:15 PM
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Hi guys,
I’ve hit a bit of a songwriting slump lately, I have been trying to write my way through it…but in the meantime I have dug up this old song of mine that I always felt a bit…meh about…so I left it off of my “released” material…however, I always loved the opening lines “Stars hold your fire…save your luck for the wishful thinkers…we’ve got everything we need tonight.”😊🤷🏼♂️
…and soooo I decided to dust it off and try and save it from the grave I put it in! (Im feeling very dramatic tonight!😆🤦🏼♂️)…I’ve rearranged the music & changed a lot of lyrics…(it was set in California originally) 😆 truthfully I know it’s not a “single” kinda track, but I would put it on an album now at least, so there’s that!🥳🤪
All thoughts welcome and thank you for listening.😄🎶👊🏻🎶
https://soundcloud.com/leo-b-5/august-rain-master-fade
Lyrics
Stars hold your fire
Save your luck for the wishful thinkers
We’ve got everything we need tonight
This Ocean drive
Takes us right back to the start
After all these years have passed
I still remember the first time we met
When you cursed the sky
Cos your hair got wet
August Rain in Barcelona
As rare as the moment
Sparks were gonna fly
Under that broken sky
Yeah you thought I was only a plaything
A one night daydream
Now look where we are
We’re a comet among stars
The kind of love you see once in a lifetime
This love is a once in a lifetime
Whoa na na na na naaaa…
Those were the nights
Lost our friends on the streets of Gracia
Stole a kiss on that old fairground ride
We said goodbye, but it wasn’t long til I
Found my way back to your side
We were so young but just look where we are
Cos we’ve come so far
And it all started here under that…..
Chorus.
Bridge.
So let’s drink to the both of us…yeah
While others fade away
Our love stays the same
Stays the same
Who’d have thought that sparks could fly
Underneath that broken sky.
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@LostBoy (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=20481) another absolutely top drawer vocal - just excellent , this has a brilliant soaring swooning melody too! Love it! ‘We’re a comet among stars’ what a line!
The production on this is brilliant too, however I reckon if you could make the chorus even BIGGER this would hit epic… I’d go with a bigger crash to announce the chorus ‘August’ … if you could get some wide BVs behind your ace lead vox in the chorus too (maybe another layer of synths too!😉) it’ll definitely become a hands in the air stadium tune, it already has that euphoric feel… another absolute cracker, don’t know why you’re down on it!👌👌👌
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Hi
I agree with Man Made Material, this is a cracking song and your dusting off has really paid off (not that I know what the first version was like). It also sounds very current and could easily have been a track by one of those boy bands my daughter listens to! (Hope thats a compliment!)
James
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Hola @LostBoy (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=20481)
It sounds great, music and voice are wonderful as well as the lyrics. May be the voice begins too quick?
It's the only suggestion I can give you... Really catchy.
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Hi Leo
As usual an amazing pitch-perfect vocal and harmonies in this.
Not much to suggest here but I did have a thought -
I think it would be more hooky if you replaced these lines:
Yeah you thought I was only a plaything
and
Who’d have thought that sparks could fly
with:
August Rain in Barcelona
...to really milk that title/hook.
Feel free to ignore if you don't agree.
Good work!
Paul
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Amazing vocals here. This is so well crafted and produced...impossible to criticise this in any way. A hell of chorus too. Just a great song..nothing else I can say :)
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I think this is a cracking song I would have liked a small lead in before the vocals started though as gives you a bit of a fright
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This is really great, man. You have a pop sensibility that I absolutely love. It's so clear in the immediate start. Not to mention every section of the song has an earworm melody.
This feels like a lost Gary Barlow song to me. It has Take That's comeback vibes. Specifically the chorus reminds me of Reach Out, the awesome opening track of their awesome comeback album. That's not to say it's a rip off, it's just a similar feel.
I would say that you should really lean in to those harmonies on the chorus. Right now they sound tentative, like you were a little scared to trust yourself and go the full hog. On Take That's stuff the chorus harmonies are LOUD, they could compete with the lead line if not for their placement in the stereo field (and some judicious EQ). You could get away with that here and the chorus would be amazing for it imo.
Vocals are great. Guitars are so sweet. Drums sound great. Is all this instrumentation MIDI? If so it sounds really great.
I have played this four times. Great stuff.
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Hi Leo, yeah as others have said, this is a pop gem. No idea why you were unsure about it at first! Some very fleet footed touches in the lyrics... and I love the way the percussion comes in half way through verse 1. The vocal melodies are tip-top - I think I'm gonna have to see the doctor to get rid of these earworms you have just given me... If I'm allowed one nit (hey I gotta find one...) it's the line "One night daydream"... if it's night, it can't be a daydream... (I'm a total pedant!). That's literally all I'd change about this though - it's pristine and should be all over the radio.
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@man made material (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=22704) Thanks so much man! I always appreciate your support. I will look into thickening up the chorus a bit…maybe a tambourine aswell…or the classic…MORE COWBELL!!🤪😆🤦🏼♂️🎶👊🏻🎶
@jamesh (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=19375) Thanks very much mate! Boyband have always been a guilty pleasure of mine so I’ll take that compliment.😊🎶👊🏻🎶👍🏻
@moraamarolaloba (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=21233) Hi Mora, thanks so much! I did have a 15 second intro, but truth is that it wasn’t good enough. I do like intro normally…I promise!!😜😆🙏🏻🎶🙌🏻🎶
@Paulski (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=19241) Thanks for the great suggestions Paul…yeah, I don’t milk the title enough I know…as for the singing…let’s just say I was very pleased when I was finally able to afford Melodyne!! 😊🤷🏼♂️ It just helps me lock in the odd words/phrases….song here and there.😆🤪
@lillypilly (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=19725) Thank you Lilly! Sorry to spook you.👻😜🙏🏻
@jacksimmons (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=18881) Hi mate, forget me…when are we gonna hear new music from you eh??😜 thanks for the massive compliment about the pop sensibility…I’ll take that…pun intended..🤦🏼♂️🤪 I have always been a massive Take That fan…Gary can do no wrong in my eyes…Their album “Beautiful world” was so good! Yeah…the harmonies…back in the day I would have cranked them up…lately I’ve been burying them a little…not sure why…but when I listen to pop today the harmonies seem more subtle to me…a texture almost? I dunno…I’m talking bollocks now!🤣🤣🤦🏼♂️
@PaulyX (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=21034) Hi mate! Thanks so much for that great feedback. Yeah the “You thought I was only a plaything…a ONE NIGHT daydream.” Line is me making a play on the “Night/day” thang….I myself have often daydreamed about having a night with various women I’ve met over the years…I’ll admit, most of them were on Baywatch!!🤣🤦🏼♂️🤣🤦🏼♂️
Cheers as always buddy!😄🎶👊🏻🎶
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@jacksimmons (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=18881) Hi mate, forget me…when are we gonna hear new music from you eh??😜 thanks for the massive compliment about the pop sensibility…I’ll take that…pun intended..🤦🏼♂️🤪 I have always been a massive Take That fan…Gary can do no wrong in my eyes…Their album “Beautiful world” was so good! Yeah…the harmonies…back in the day I would have cranked them up…lately I’ve been burying them a little…not sure why…but when I listen to pop today the harmonies seem more subtle to me…a texture almost? I dunno…I’m talking bollocks now!🤣🤣🤦🏼♂️
Not talking bollocks at all mate you are very right about modern pop harmonies. This though feels more 'traditional' somehow.
And I have been working on a lot behind the scenes dw
Anyway, great track!
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This as catchy as $@£%^! Great lyrics, great production and what a voice. Really good. My only very slight criticism is that you have used the harmonies too sparingly. Other than that I love it!
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Sublime vocal and great melodies as per @LostBoy (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=20481) - no surprise there 😁!
Great imagery - right there with you on the song journey.
Another vote for more harmonies! But then I’m a bit of a harmony addict!!
Nice one Leo! Good luck with it - sounds radio ready to me!
K
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@LostBoy (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=20481)
Leo, just going to enjoy this so easy to listen to tune, perfect for driving in my wife's soft top when the sun is shining...
Big chorus and bv's :-) Then neat breakdown and fab solo!!
Lots to like
neil
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Another class @LostBoy (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=20481) song. What can I say?
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@LostBoy (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=20481), don't worry about falling out of favour with the songwriting Gods. They won't abandon you for long. You're too big a talent to lose your way but also don't dwell on the lack of new songs. It can hinder your comeback. "Stars hold your fire. Save your luck for the wishful thinkers", that's a great line! I've always loved your voice. It's something for all of us here to admire. Lot's of ingredients here to make a great song. I do think there is a bigger and better mix waiting to be found to elevate this lovely tune and uplifting chorus. Great work Leo.
Best wishes
Paul
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Hi Leo,
This bursts out of the traps and never lets go.
Very upbeat and breezy.
Love how solid and prominent the bass is without muddying things up.
Great production work throughout.
Top notch vocals give it that pro sheen.
Digger
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hi
listened to this
another fave of mine from your catalogue
well done
excellent production
very commercial sounding, and in a good way
very endearing voice. Are you making money with these productions yet?
All the best, Rightly