The Songwriter Forum - songwriting reviews, tips and chat
Songwriter Forum => Feedback on Finished songs => Topic started by: moraamarolaloba on July 13, 2021, 01:10:19 PM
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Imagine a mature woman who gets angry when she is having something with her friends. She is frustrated, her youth is far away and her friendships do not fill the void in her heart.
I know it's a bit of a strange song but I think it's funny in some ways. I hope you like my mix.
Words escape me
without I can hear them
they are runaway horses
that gallop through my tongue
carrying me astride
with no reins to tame them
they are storms that do not end
in the cave of my mouth
I am a paper cup
half full of voids
in the corner of a bar
at the mercy of a push
or a drunk hand
wanting to rush more drink
The hours scatter
between neon lights
my cat waits for me at home
on the sofa in the hall
I say goodbye to that bar
and go to my refuge
with the walls
bared of childhood memories
while the night breathes
hidden in the corners
I don't think about tomorrow
and Now it slips out my hands
while I take off my clothes
and wash my mouth
if i don't fit in this body
that shrinks with the days
despite being asleep
in the dreams of a girl
I don't think about tomorrow
and Now it slips out my hands
while I take off my clothes
and wash my mouth
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@moraamarolaloba (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=21233) - Intriguing, very You. I found it a bit hard to get into it, I loved the music, but found the vocal melody a bit detached from it. Was that your Guitarist husband on the jazz guitar?
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Jpña !! @cowparsleyman (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=21308)
Thanks for comment.
Yes, it is a difficult song in certain aspects, a talking singing almost ... The music caused me a lot of problems but finally it was to my liking.
The jazz guitar is played by my husband Marcus Nalgaber, his contribution greatly enriches my music
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@moraamarolaloba (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=21233) - Si, it wan't such an easy ride for me, Your husband has a real talent...and he does indeed enrich your work.
You are a pioneer Mora
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Hi Mora, brilliant lyrics (in translation at least... wish I could understand the original...) but I love the images around the horses galloping off your tongue, and the paper cup half full of voids. I think we've all had those evenings in a bar when we've said too much and gone home to regret it. Musically I liked it too... a slinky shimmering backdrop to the words. I could imagine this music being played by the band in the bar where the story is set, so that was a good fit.
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@moraamarolaloba (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=21233) interesting and inventive as ever, this feels like a collage of images and thoughts almost like listening to someone’s dream, not fully understanding the dream but understanding the sense of it. There’s some great lyrical phrases in your translation, and again some beautiful guitar work! Your music is always thought provoking!👌
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amazing production
a like those elusive keys a lot
some of your songs are
a very immersive experience.
yes the guitar is amazing!
well done Mora
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@moraamarolaloba (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=21233) - Si, it wan't such an easy ride for me, Your husband has a real talent...and he does indeed enrich your work.
Síiiii!! I understand your point of view!! Thank you @cowparsleyman (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=21308)
You are a pioneer Mora
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I liked the beat very much! Couldn't understand the lyrics eventhough I'm taking spanish lessons lately :-), but the rhythm was good!
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Hola @moraamarolaloba (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=21233) .....I like the slightly disjointed gait of this production. I think it keeps the listener honest and sets up the instrumentation nicely.....especially that tasty guitar.
My regards to Marcus.
Steve
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Hi Mora, brilliant lyrics (in translation at least... wish I could understand the original...) but I love the images around the horses galloping off your tongue, and the paper cup half full of voids. I think we've all had those evenings in a bar when we've said too much and gone home to regret it. Musically I liked it too... a slinky shimmering backdrop to the words. I could imagine this music being played by the band in the bar where the story is set, so that was a good fit.
Hola @PaulyX (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=21034)
How nice that you imagined yourself in the scene ... Olé!
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@moraamarolaloba (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=21233) interesting and inventive as ever, this feels like a collage of images and thoughts almost like listening to someone’s dream, not fully understanding the dream but understanding the sense of it. There’s some great lyrical phrases in your translation, and again some beautiful guitar work! Your music is always thought provoking!👌
hahaha, muchas gracias @man made material (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=22704)
Even not understanding your comment is really cool. Buen Domingo!!!
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Hi there,
I really enjoyed this. I has an enchanting feel. Many in the "music police" will probably say that the vocals and music are a little out of sync and the vocal melody is not always matching the chords, which is true, but I think this works with the song. There are no real rules in music - you are capturing an emotion of disjointedness (if that is a word) and disorder and I think your vocals in this add to that, whether intended or not. And the jazz guitar as other said is deliteful. I also love the video imagery - creative and not mainstream. Thanks for sharing - this song does not need to be perfect to capture the emotion to me - on the contrary actually. The only feedback I have is that the vocals could be compressed a touch more to bring them forward more. You have a very sultry voice that could pop out more in this song.
Thanks for sharing!
Jonathan
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"I really enjoyed this. I has an enchanting feel. Many in the "music police" will probably say that the vocals and music are a little out of sync and the vocal melody is not always matching the chords, which is true, but I think this works with the song. There are no real rules in music - you are capturing an emotion of disjointedness (if that is a word) and disorder and I think your vocals in this add to that, whether intended or not. And the jazz guitar as other said is deliteful. I also love the video imagery - creative and not mainstream. Thanks for sharing - this song does not need to be perfect to capture the emotion to me - on the contrary actually. The only feedback I have is that the vocals could be compressed a touch more to bring them forward more. You have a very sultry voice that could pop out more in this song."
Gracias por tu tiempo! @jonlint (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=19407)
Well, something has been saved in this shipwreck that you describe! It is logical, the gutarras are made of wood and float hahaha
This song put for me a parenthesis of many things, I really had fun making it fun and I managed, something that I usually do, create a balance born of chaos, something that I love!
Stay well
Mora
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Hey there M..........
Very fresh and very enjoyable. The frustration came thru in an entertaining fashion.
Fun!
-T
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Hi moraamarolaloba
Maybe my pop & rock tuned ears are not able to appreciate this genre, but I can see a lot of work has gone into it.
I feel like the melody doesnt fit with the backing track, but again, maybe my lack of Jazz experience is working against me.
I love that you have shot your own video. Thats something which I aspire to do one day!
Thanks
James
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Hey @moraamarolaloba (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=21233)! Qué tal? Love this… a surreal journey through a mood and atmosphere. I’m with you at that bar and the imagery of the galloping horses in particular grabbed me - very clever… there’s a slightly chaotic or at least unsettling feel to the piece which suits the lyrics very well.
As always a trip.. inventive and engaging. And yes, of course Marcus’ great guitar work!
Fab!
K
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amazing production
a like those elusive keys a lot
some of your songs are
a very immersive experience.
yes the guitar is amazing!
well done Mora
Hola @rightly (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=20219)
I hope you are enjoying the summer, I am hidden in the shadow of my house, outside the heat burns all colors.
Muchas gracias!!! Cuídate.
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amazing production
a like those elusive keys a lot
some of your songs are
a very immersive experience.
yes the guitar is amazing!
well done Mora
Hola @rightly (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=20219)
I hope you are enjoying the summer, I am hidden in the shadow of my house, outside the heat burns all colors.
Muchas gracias!!! Cuídate.
I don't like the hot days
now it's 21 degrees here, perfect
28 is too much for me.
Take care!
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I liked the beat very much! Couldn't understand the lyrics eventhough I'm taking spanish lessons lately :-), but the rhythm was good!
Well, thank you very much for watching and commenting.
You are learning Spanish? Good, it is a language full of roots, trees and branches, very rich, like a pantone @Philipp191985 (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=22807)
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Hola @moraamarolaloba (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=21233) .....I like the slightly disjointed gait of this production. I think it keeps the listener honest and sets up the instrumentation nicely.....especially that tasty guitar.
My regards to Marcus.
Steve
Hola steve, happy to see you!!! Muchas gracias, regards from Marcus.
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Hola @Ironknee
haha thank you very much!!!! Today I will receive the second dose of the vaccine... I hope that later I can regain my mental health
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Hi moraamarolaloba
Maybe my pop & rock tuned ears are not able to appreciate this genre, but I can see a lot of work has gone into it.
I feel like the melody doesnt fit with the backing track, but again, maybe my lack of Jazz experience is working against me.
I love that you have shot your own video. Thats something which I aspire to do one day!
Thanks
James
Many thanks @jamesh (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=19375) for your time and comment.
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amazing production
a like those elusive keys a lot
some of your songs are
a very immersive experience.
yes the guitar is amazing!
well done Mora
Hola @rightly (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=20219)
I hope you are enjoying the summer, I am hidden in the shadow of my house, outside the heat burns all colors.
Muchas gracias!!! Cuídate.
I don't like the hot days
now it's 21 degrees here, perfect
28 is too much for me.
Take care!
Thank you, yesterday it rained and cooled the atmosphere, something great because we have been at 38 degrees at 6 in the afternoon.