The Songwriter Forum - songwriting reviews, tips and chat
Songwriter Forum => Feedback on Finished songs => Topic started by: man made material on June 02, 2021, 06:03:06 PM
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I’ve been away from here for a bit so I’ve got a lot of catching up to do! I had done a depeche mode cover but I wasn’t sure if here was the place to share that sort of thing... anyway I do now have something new... maybe the pop-iest thing I’ve done? I think the lyrics are fairly self explanatory, but they seem apt with it being lovely weather here today!
https://soundcloud.app.goo.gl/6Vpxtu34VBDAb9Sy9
Lyrics;
You're online, yet you fail to be connected
A filtered algorithmic perspective
A series of responses, pre-selected (accept all cookies)
Real life experience rejected
You watch so much, but feel nothing
The world at your hands, yet no touching
More information than you or I could process
You see it all, but live it less
So taste the wind off the ocean
Feel it's breath on your skin
Allow your senses to wake an emotion
The world outside can fill you from within
(In terms of health benefits, when we are exposed to nature,
our bodies feel much calmer. Connecting to nature causes our stress hormones to decrease, our brains are able to relax.
we are able to think better.)
Desensitise yourself with data
Living random number generator (random numbers)
Don't lose your sense of self, when all around you
Are the things that make us whole, so try to...
...Taste the wind off the ocean
Feel it's breath on your skin
Allow your senses to wake an emotion
The world outside can fill you from within
So taste the wind off the ocean
Feel it's breath on your skin
Allow your senses to wake an emotion
The world outside can fill you from within
The world outside can fill you from within
The world outside can fill you from within
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Oh and if anyone is interested here’s the Depeche Mode cover - behind the wheel... I did it because people kept telling me my stuff sounded like DM😂, I hadn’t listened to the original for about 3-4 months and I deliberately didn’t listen to it whilst making it just to see what would happen...
https://soundcloud.app.goo.gl/61H1b6hP2uHNNG4d6
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Hola @man made material (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=22704)
I like your style of today, the sound is soft but with a rhythm very catching that takes me to a friendly time, surely as the weather out of your window.
It could serve to put it on the radios, an attempt to awaken the sleep in front of the window that stun us so much.
This line is definitive
"You Watch So Much, But Feel Nothing
The World at Your Hands, Yet No Touching"
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Hello mate,
Well the star of this song for me is the lyrics. Fantastic writing! I loved the first verses especially. “You’re online, yet you fail to be connected” is a brilliant opening line.👍🏻👍🏻👍🏻
Another thing I really enjoyed other than the whole track in general is the little musical touches you add throughout to help reinforce the lyric....e.g the music dropping out with that bass on “feel nothing” and the “data” and “number generator” little six flourishes. I think it’s great when the music/production can help tell the story too.
I love how you have processed the talky bits....and you sound good as a female backing singer!🤪😜💃🏼👍🏻
In terms of critique, maybe the chorus and verse melodies are a bit similar?....similar phrasing there aswell. That backing vocal does help separate/lift it a bit.😄👍🏻
Anyway, that’s all I’ve got. I really enjoyed it mate.😄🎶👊🏻🎶
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I like this
top lyrics
and the whole thing seems quite playful
great sentiment too
Good job!
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@man made material (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=22704)
Hi, great lyrics some really nice lines. Like the way the arrangement fits around the singing, with nice touches here and there to add 'colour'.
Nice work!
Jamie
I didn't know the DM song you covered but it does sound like them (and you! ;))
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@man made material (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=22704) - Sounding good this one, really dig your voice. Like the synth ideas, and a whole lot of twiddling on that MID controller.
I agree with @Jamie (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=19125)
Nice work indeed
Rich
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@moraamarolaloba (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=21233) thanks for listening and your positive feedback, you seem to have got my intention👍
@LostBoy (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=20481) cheers sir! Glad you appreciated the extra bits, I think they took longer than the rest of the song... I hear what you’re saying regarding the chorus, I think my melody muscles are still undeveloped, so gotta keep working at it, really appreciate the detail you went into in your comments 🙏👍
@rightly (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=20219) cheers, really appreciate the positivity👍
@Jamie (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=19125) thanks sir! Love the DM comment!😂👍
@cowparsleyman (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=21308) thanks man! Yep lots of twiddling, the devil is in the detail!😁👍
Thanks so much for listening all and for your feedback!🙏
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The lyrics are stellar!! The music is fine, and your singing is a good fit.
The whole production is in "blue" mood. Very introspective, and relevant for the times.
Good stuff, my man!!
Good stuff!
-T
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@man made material (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=22704) Very clever lyrics, really like it. Also, clever and appropriate use of a voiceover. Top class 80s Synth pop only better :)
Kevin
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Another cracker @man made material (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=22704) ... lyrics as noted by others are really well written.
Production is great. I really love that synth dip and the line ends from the start - very attention grabbing and really works...
Spoken word part really works too.
I really really like your music!
K
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@IronKnee (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=20409) why thank you sir!🙏
@kevysc (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=19775) 80s synth pop only better? Result!👌
@MonnoDB (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=19820) cheers! That little synth dip was quite a late addition, but perhaps ended up making the difference...👍
Thanks all of you for taking time to note the lyrics, much appreciated 🙏
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Great lyrics and concept...I also love the computer voice...I have been known to dabble in that kind of thing...I think it's a great way of getting across the disconnect between man and machine. Hopefully, that'll always be a thing, unless we're really headed towards a transhumanist future where our minds are seen as simply software that can be updated/degraded or even terminated...according to the will of those with the means to do so. Yikes to that!
Great song...and sorry for the almost inevitable rambling!
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Great summary line to start with: You're online, yet you fail to be connected (I always like that in a song).
Very interesting voice effects - a little weary and beaten up sounding.
Overall I felt it might lack a little bass? Not sure but it might make it sound "bigger" (maybe something to try in the chorus?)
Love the irony of the computer telling us to get back to nature. Very cool song.
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@PaulAds (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=20253) Cheers sir.. Lol! ramble away! Let's hope it doesn't go that way - i like technology, as long as i'm in charge of it... or it let's me think i'm in charge of it!
@adamfarr (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=20124) thanks man... good point on the bass, I'd felt I'd got a bit bass heavy at times before and deliberately held back on this one, maybe too much... i will not fear the bass in future!
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@man made material (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=22704)
I love this. I've no idea how you go about structuring a piece like this but I can tell that a lot of hard work and imagination has gone into it. A great vocal and the production is top drawer. Well done I really enjoyed this :)
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This builds really well and the synth orchestra at the end is totally fabulous. I very much liked how you built all those bright sounding synth layers as the foundation for the more understated vocal delivery. Definitely worked for me.
Good to see most folk mentioning the string lyrics, something you don’t always see in this genre.
From where it started, merely pleasant, to where it ended up, which was a bit wow! I’d say this was a very accomplished piece of writing indeed. Good for you 👍
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@ChrisPrice (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=22723) @MichaelA (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=21274) thanks guys for taking the time to listen and both of you for your positive feedback, I’m glad the lyrics seem to have been well received, I didn’t know if I might have gone a bit too ‘tree huggy’ 😂👍
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I concur great lyrics!
I'm probably not the biggest synth fan there ever was but I dig the music as well.
Well produced with lots of little effects/embellishments to really adds value and keeps the listener's attention.
Well done!