The Songwriter Forum - songwriting reviews, tips and chat
Songwriter Forum => Feedback on Finished songs => Topic started by: MichaelA on April 09, 2021, 03:48:37 PM
-
I've not had much time for music in recent weeks, but I had a couple of days this week when I finally got round to having a dabble! ;) Took a while, many false starts, but the end result is this tragic tale of a sweet girl named Phyllis...a very good swimmer by all accounts. Just a bit of entertainment, nothing too deep...except the water...
Anyhow, not sure if I should put some harmonies on it to help with the sing-a-long chorus. Plus not sure if the vocal level is too high or not...need to listen with fresh ears. Finally. there's quite a lot of busy synths in there at times. I might have got carried away, but was enjoying finding quirky sounds at the synth sweet shop so couldn't resist. ;)
Any erudite comments, or comments of any type, are welcome of course. I'm sure there'll be a few amends...Here she is, as is:
https://soundcloud.com/michael-a-duffy/phyllis-the-fish (https://soundcloud.com/michael-a-duffy/phyllis-the-fish)
Lyrics:
Phyllis the Fish
She was the best swimmer at university
Yet In the shallow end she took a shine to me
Then as she coaxed me to discard my water wings
I practiced breast stroke while she dreamt of wedding rings
Though me and Phyllis surely lacked a chemistry
She warned you can’t deny destiny
Goodbye, Phyllis the fish
Remember your wish
That love would bless you
Goodbye, Phyllis the fish
Should have been kissed
As love caressed you
Passion obsessed you, goodbye
She said for me she’d swim the reservoir of ice
I said no need for that, I suggested she think twice
But to prove love she said who dares wins
She stuck a pose I swear, flexing dorsal fins
Though our doomed love swam against the tide
Phylis swore she’d be my bride
CHORUS
Then came the day when we all gathered by the icy lake
She cried I’m swimming this for you and for our love’s sake
And people patted me on the back and hollered, how they cheered
Until she disappeared
Poor Phyllis lost for eternity
I heard the crowd sing with me
CHORUS
-
Hello @MichaelA (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=21274) OMG! A song about a swimmer who drowned for love. That's a first for me. "Flexing dorsal Fins" is hysterical and "cheered until she disappeared" is great too. In fact, the lyrics are clever and funny. Lots of interesting synth sounds and you've managed to come up with feel of cold water. I don't quite know how you've done that.
Funny, clever, effective. Is there anything more to say?
M
-
@MichaelA (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=21274) - this is brilliant!!! Great lyrics.. spectacular... "They cheered.. until she disappeared" is genius .. Synths give a great watery sound... very clever..
Vocal level sounds fine to me.. not that I can easily tell with my own ;) ..
I completely would go all in on the last chorus... Not only harms but if you can get a gang to be the crowd singing along with you, I think it would be fab..
Fantastic song... as always super clever.. there are so many crackers in your collection, this is right up with the very best..
K
-
Phillis the Fish - what great assonance in that hook.
Really liked this one - like others have said - you put us in the water (somehow) and we came out .. invigorated!
Super vocals and although I don't usually like synths - great synths :D
Paul
-
A classic Michael A. Duffy song!
She struck a pose I swear, flexing dorsal fins
Brilliant.
Not bad....for a mere dabble. 8)
-
@MichaelA (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=21274) Clever song, well written and performed. Backing vocals in the chorus would add?
Kevin
-
Fintastic @MichaelA (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=21274) I love that "Breathing apparatus" synth sound. In fact there's a whole range of clever sub-aquatic squelchy synth stuff going down. You always tell a great story, usually with a twist :) The vocals sound well placed to me but I'm sure that i heard the sound of a brick cutter at some point ;D More than happy to contribute to the waterside rent-a-mob final chorus
-
Great lyrics and a watery grave...excellent!
My wife and I met a couple on holiday who were both what used to be called "deaf and dumb" which now sounds really terrible, but wasn't thought of as any kind of insult. Neither was the name given to the light blue three-wheeled disabled cars that some folks would drive when I were a lad. You couldn't get away with it now...and that's just one of the reasons why the world is a better place these days than the shit place we all remember from years ago ;)
Anyway, they latched on to my wife and I and followed us everywhere we went...as we wandered around Rome and Florence, it was like being tailed by a couple of comically inept Eastern European spies...or that thing where they reckon that certain countries security services try to intimidate witnesses by constantly getting in their faces and up their noses in an obvious fashion so they become paranoid and appear a little crazy and unreliable...anyway, the guys wife kept telling me that "Tony's a very good swimmer" as we sat by the pool, three to a sun lounger, and I thought it odd that he never actually went in the pool. No wonder, because when he did eventually jump in for a swim, he thrashed about that much, you could have thrown your washing in with him and had it done in no time, before he desperately doggy-paddled back to safety, gasping for air. A "very good swimmer" my arse.
Great fun song, Michael...I'm looking forward to being part of the crowd...
-
Thumbs up from fischermans to Phyllis the Fish. Had a nice listen, thanks for this.
-
Hola @MichaelA (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=21274)
Your song is very easy to follow, it has a very natural musical logic. I love its sweetness.
Stay safe
Mora
-
Hi all, thanks for the early feedback. Really useful, especially since the song will now develop following @MonnoDB (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=19820) ’s cool idea to have a crowd singing the last chorus. You might have seen I have been encouraging recruits for this on the Collaborations board. Nine forum members have very kindly signed up already, so come and join in on the fun if you fancy it! ;D
http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?topic=18356.0 (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?topic=18356.0)
Anyway...
Thanks @montydog (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=18653), funnily enough a song about a tractor was a first for me too 😉 Glad you enjoyed it and for the encouraging words 👍
@MonnoDB (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=19820), I think you always like my songs if someone dies in them, or there’s some other tragedy. I do think you might have a quiet dark side Karen that must be fed, ha ha 😀 but thanks for the great support and smashing idea about the last chorus.
@paulski, thanks, it’s great to hear you liked the synths even though they are not really your bag. Nothing like a cold water bath after all 👌
@Unclenny (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=22611) , thanks for that...Yep I suppose the song is a bit typical of what I do. I had much fun doing it though and this is a good thing for me, what with all the other less happy stuff going on in the world and in our lives. Cheers for the comments.
Hi @kevysc (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=19775) great, thanks for that 😀
Hi @pompeyjazz (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=20269) very funny about the brick cutter noise! 😀 For anyone who wasn’t on the Friday Zoom we have builders in next door making a right racket. So I knew I had to record the vocals between 1pm and 2pm when the pause for a lunch break. Phew, just made it! But yeah John, glad you appreciated the watery synth sounds which I enjoyed mucking about with.
Hi @PaulAds (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=20253) , very entertaining holiday story, you should write a book...thanks for the support though and see you in the choir, thanks 👍
Thanks too to @fischermans (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=19014), a perfect song for you maybe 😉 and to @moraamarolaloba (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=21233) for the nice comments.
Anyhow, I’d love to see anyone else who wants to join in on the forum choir for the finale to this song 👏
-
Though I am not sure anyone wants to be remembered as the "fish" (mermaid maybe) I like the song very much.
Rich imagery and a wistful looking back feel that really works in the lyric and is supported but the music.
Production wise I feel the voice is a little too up front. It sounds great but just swamps (sorry!) everything else. There is some great synth work throughout I'd love to hear more and the drums are way way back, almost completely lost in the mix.
Love the synth following the melody in the chorus, a great trick I have never manage to do.
This is super listen with a nice belle and seb sort of feel to it I love.
Thanks for posting it!
-
@MichaelA (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=21274)
H Michael, I recall you said on Friday night you did this in a few takes, well as I said at the time, it doesn't sound like it. Brilliant lyric, as usual. You and @PaulAds (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=20253) have got the death and destruction market covered ;D ;). As I said in another review the two of you are looking for Macdonalds sponsorship with the Big Mac Bloodbath and now the 'Fillet of fish' song.... 8).
Nice one !
Cheers
Jamie
-
top song
really well executed
-
Hello mate, this is classic you!! Super catchy chorus that me and my kids are gonna be singing for days!!😆 (ta for that!!😜)
I really enjoyed it mate...was that a recorder in there somewhere??😆👍🏻
In terms of friendly advice the "passion obsessed ya" is rushed...cos it has to be...I wonder if u could come up with something that flows better there?👍🏻😁
The vocal to my ears is a bit too loud mate.
At 2.44 "Goodbye" needs a little light tuning mate and the last three "Phyllis's" need tuning aswell...or simply swapping with any of the other brilliant ones....its the "Phyl" that's a touch flat mate.
Anyhoo...I hope your not offended by me pointing that out...heaven knows I have to tune every song I record....🤦🏼♂️😁👍🏻👍🏻👍🏻
Great stuff as always Michael.🎶👊🏻🎶
-
Extraordinary words to really catchy song. No cits from me. I think this is really well crafted and I enjoyed it. :)
-
@MichaelA (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=21274) what a cheeky little number! Some very funny clever lyrics... and yet I’m gutted for Phyllis, tell me this isn’t the fin-ish? That some plaice there’s a happy ending?! Ahem... nice work!😁👍
-
Hi folks, some more great and useful feedback in the last batch. I have now got nine other forum members joining in on the sing-a-long choir for the last choruses. Still time for anyone else to join, details here:
http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?topic=18356.0 (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?topic=18356.0)
@tboswell (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=20223) , thanks really useful feedback. Well, 'the fish' as a name for Phyllis is just one of those slightly blunt names we used to dish out to kids when I was young, where I grew up anyway. We'd have Barry the Brains, who was clever. Kevin the Cat, who was an agile goalkeeper. Then there was Willy the Wanker. But I don't remember what he was good at. ;) Good point on the vox level. As I write lyric-first songs I am always worried that people won't hear the story. But I've lowered the level a bit anyway, plus increased the sound of the drums just a bit too- although I'm not really a drums person. Many thanks.
@Jamie (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=19125), yeah one of my choir members said he kept singing Fillet of Fish by mistake! Cheers for the listen and encouragement! ;)
@Rightly, thanks very much!
Hi Leo, @LostBoy (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=20481) , really useful feedback thanks. I'm sure I am going tone deaf as I get older ;) Never mind, thanks for being brave enough to call out my sins - I've swapped around some of that using the better bits. Cool. I'm going to stick with the 'obsessed ya' bit though as I've already had four submissions from other forum members for the sing-along choir at the end - see above, with five more to come. If you fancy joining in I would love to have your brilliant vocals helping mine to sound a bit more sunny! Just a thought, cheers ;) I've turned down the vox a bit too, thanks.
Hi @ChrisPrice (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=22723) thank for the listen, also @man made material (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=22704) too - Good Cod man, those are terrible puns! Ha ha! ;D
-
Haha! Yes! Great idea...I would love to be part of the gang on the chorus.😁👍🏻 PM me with the details mate.
-
I love to hear writers, exploring new territory and handling the subject matter with style. This is exactly what you have done her e@Michael. Super rhyming couplets set to the quirkiest of lyrics and a super melody. I loved singing this yesterday morning before setting off for a walk around Brighton. Guess what, I found myself singing this repeatedly on my journey. This has to be a good sign. Beautiful musical backdrop to support this thoroughly engaging song!
Paul
-
Hi folks, the sing-a-long choir is now live. Thanks to @NeilC. @5 guys named Lars (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=22535), @PaulAds (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=20253), @pompeyjazz (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=20269), @MonnoDB (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=19820), @Jack Simmons (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=18691) @Wicked Deeds (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=19231) and @LostBoy (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=20481) for joining in, some of you with extra harmonies and octave tracks beyond my simple comprehension. So together, we sounded like a lot more than nine voices. I tried to ensure everybody was 'heard' in the mix, but the result of so many people singing the same thing is that people blend in more than I had imagined they would. But without your brilliant individual efforts this wouldn't have been possible, so I am grateful for your team efforts. A great bit of forum togetherness I think! I applaud you all, and so should others I think!
Here's the link:
https://soundcloud.com/michael-a-duffy/phyllis-the-fish (https://soundcloud.com/michael-a-duffy/phyllis-the-fish)
All the best, all. ;)
-
Excellent work @MichaelA (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=21274) What a shoal of talent on display 👏
-
Rather like it. It has an air of English eccentricity about it in the same way Robyn Hitchcock does.
-
Yesssss!!! The choir worked a treat!! Excellent work everyone and well mixed Michael.🎉🎶👊🏻🎶🎉😁
-
Ah poor Phyllis! :'(
Nice work mixing @MichaelA (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=21274)
-
Hey Michael, what fun. You've got a great way of combining humour with tragedy. Really enjoyed this and was also thinking "Fillet of Fish" while listening! The crowd vocals work a treat.
-
Hi Michael,
The outro singalong works great and is mixed perfectly.
A well written and smart song - had Mrs D singing along at the end - which had me torn as she usually has shocking taste in music, so I was troubled to discover she liked something I do. :D
Quirky but inspired.
Digger
-
Your music always sits so well with the lyrics @MichaelA (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=21274) and both are marvellous on this song. The choir idea at the end works a treat. After recording my warbling I spent a whole day with the chorus as an earworm,headworm & brainworm all in one...its terrifically catchy. Another super song @MichaelA (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=21274) . :)
-
Thanks all, as the choir finale seems to have been well received both here, and amongst other private listeners away from the forum.
@pompeyjazz (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=20269), well thanks for all these fish puns. Cod only knows what I’d be without you!
Cheers @estreet (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=15055), yeah English eccentricity is right up my street actually. Thanks for the listen!
@LostBoy (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=20481), cool, thanks for your choir contribution too. A miracle that we all sound pretty damn good together, ha ha ;D
@MonnoDB (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=19820) , thanks Karen. The mixing was the easy bit, getting over poor Phyllis is obviously a lot harder.
@PaulyX (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=21034) , thanks very much, and nice to see you around again! 👍
@digger72 (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=9823) , it seems to me like your missus is a woman of fine taste! You should listen to her far more often if I were you! 😀
@5 guys named Lars (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=22535) , cheers again Chris for your sing-a-long bit. If it wasn’t in Danish I could have actually used it. Maybe next time! 😉 but actually, thanks for noticing I’m changing styles/accompaniments a bit, depending on the lyrics. I hadn’t noticed that, but it’s bloody good surely? Wow!
-
@MichaelAlimb (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=21467)
Good morning Michael. This is a brilliant soundscape and a a wonderful playful concept. I'm impressed how your vocal soars above the mix. Garageband is a great DAW for sure and you have utilise it to great effect here. I think it is testament to the quality of your song that so many have agreed to join the encores section. Extremely accomplished. I was singing this all around Brighton soon on the afternoon once my contribution was recorded on the morning. That says it all really.
Paul
-
Hello :), Poor Phillys, but even if it is again a sad song , it is well written, sang, and produced :), the choir is excellent :). It is one of my favorites from yours :)
-
Thanks for the latest comments.
@Wicked Deeds (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=19231), I hope the good people of Brighton sang along with you, ha ha! Thanks for the generous words.
@Melusine2 (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=22580), I don’t kill off the girls in all of my songs. 🙄 So stick around and one day I will give you a happy ending. ‘Tragic Magic’ is the other one of mine where the girl dies, come to think about it. This is a bad habit I guess. :) Glad you enjoyed it though! 👍