The Songwriter Forum - songwriting reviews, tips and chat
Songwriter Forum => Feedback on Finished songs => Topic started by: MonnoDB on November 13, 2020, 10:53:07 PM
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Hey all.. myself and the right honorable Swede @Jambrains (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=19875) are kinda on a turbo drive at the moment.. Here's our latest... A ballad - I don't think we've ever actually done one like this before so it was an interesting experience for us .. and as always, invigorating and a lot of fun..
Apart from the fact that the vocal is high - which is not my natural home :-) - the biggest challenge was the chorus lyric, which I rewrote a few times as I was was convinced it should be empowering but in the end we went with the original lines, which are sad and desperate reflecting the situation that drove the song in the first place, rather than a reflection of how I think I would react in the situation. I think I’d be packing his bags myself!! Although you can never tell I guess....
The process I've explained on the last two so I won't bore you with that again.. But if you have any questions on the song or the production, please holler!
As always we invite all and any crits, Suggs, comments, anything... we're all about making it as good as we can so please don't hold back.
We built a life, just you and me
We needed nothing more
Closed the curtains to keep the world away
Turned down the lights, locked the door
Your words spoken gently
Were they meant to deceive?
Your promises made sweetly
Were they broken with ease?
Don’t leave, please stay, you owe me
Stay, don’t leave or I’ll destroy you
I thought you were protecting me
Now I see that I was locked away
While you broadened your horizon
I lost every hand you played
Don’t leave, please stay, you owe me
Stay, don’t leave or I’ll destroy you
Rain pours down darkened windows
I throw them open to get some air
Let the water wash over me
As I try to clear the pain
Don’t leave, please stay, you owe me
Stay, don’t leave or I’ll destroy you
Step gently, tread with care
Don’t do something you’ll regret
If you leave, you can’t come back
A
re you ready for that?
Don’t leave, please stay, you owe me
Stay, don’t leave or I’ll destroy you
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@MonnoDB (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=19820) - Interesting track lass.
Singing in the higher register is effective but up that high your voice doesn't cut through the mix as well. Either some lower harmony support or making it louder in the mix might help.
I'm still not sure about the line "or I'll destroy you" being up high like that. Emotionally, might it be more effective to bring that line down it pitch to hit home the message "I'll Destroy you" ... if you leave I'll destroy you ? The contrast might be interesting if you could make it work ;-)
Maybe you are going for an angelic "I'll destroy you" but it would be great to hear an alternative version to compare against or failing that a harmonised version.
It's a hard slog doing a slow ballad without it getting a bit tedious after a while, but the track rings the changes well enough to keep the interest of the listener.
Not sure if my idea would fly, but worth a punt ehhh ?
Good Job Overall :-)
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Another great track guys. Karen you have a lovely voice and I think it's great to hear it in the higher register, makes the song for me.
The gaps feel too long, one bar would be enough I think, especially as there are a lot of them. The one at 1:40 is perfect.
And there's a percussive sound a1 1:30 and further into the song. I can't tell exactly what it is but I'm not convinced it adds a great deal, having said that it feels better when it's there at 2:10 so what do I know. ;D
Great effort!
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This is a really really cool song! Love the high pitch chorus!! And the line"or ill destroy you" bloody great! @MonnoDB (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=19820) great job! Im becoming a real fan of yours!
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Hi @MonnoDB (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=19820) and @Jambrains (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=19875) You sure are in turbo mode at the moment, knocking out top quality songs by the bucketload. Top class as usual. I love your use of space and the stops and starts. No nits from me whatsoever. Beautifully written, played, sung and produced
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Now that one takes me back! When I first heard your collab AFD I thought there would be more of this. A fusion of rock and Celtic balladeering that wrings out every ounce of emotion. I love your collection of material, but stuff like this is an extra bit special.
You even won me over to your higher pitch offering Karen, due to the dramatic punch you put into it.
This track wins for me because it is all about control of passion. The stop start nature teases the listener to expect an explosion that keeps subsiding. But then it has exploded by the end in the most beautiful of ways.
Much respect!
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Ay @MonnoDB (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=19820) @Jambrains (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=19875)
Maravillosa canción!!! wonderful experience to me!!! I can't add nothing more, just I enjoyed it atmosphere, delicacy... the piano, the guitar, so well balanced, your voice... everything is great. Felicidades, it has made me nostalgic on this cloudy Sunday morning!!!
Muy buen trabajo!!!!!!! :) :) :) :) :) :)
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Loved it from the opening chords😍 great sequence...
You guys really are something else...professional in every respect...great arrangement and production
But it really takes off with those higher register vocals...absolutely magic 😍😍
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Another great track guys. This one sounds gorgeous. I have to say your vocals @MonnoDB (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=19820) are really gorgeous and there's just the hint of eccentricity about them that makes your tunes a pleasure to listen to. They have a Kate Bush vibe here.
The production is really great, too. I don't know if it is because this one is more stripped down but it sounds the most professional I have heard from you. It builds perfectly, and when those drums come in it all slots together well. Sometimes when a stripped back tune brings in the full band the balance is all off, not here.
Part of me was hoping for a bit more of a chorus after the "Don’t leave, please stay..." section. I did get used to the structure after two verses though I think there is room for another tune here, maybe a post-chorus.
Also, if I were nitpicking, I'd say there's a little bit of an issue with the compression on the lead vocals. They almost 'fade in' at times, particularly at the start of the verses. Could be worth looking at. I may have diagnosed it wrong but there's definitely something off there.
Overall though a great tune.
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Really liked this one @MonnoDB (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=19820) and @Jambrains (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=19875) ;D
Love the pauses in the arrangement - even the full stop before where the end builds.
Great vocals and the piano chords remind me of an Adelle song or two..
Something mildly disturbing about the high sweet voice singing "I'll destroy you" ;D ;D
Good work guys - very commercial sounding!
Paul
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Blimey...it seems like it was only five minutes since I was last trying to think of interesting ways to say how excellent you and JB are.
That high vocal part is fantastic. Hit me like a glimpse of stocking-top. I don't even know if it's actually particularly high...it's just that there's something very visceral and vulnerable about it.
Made me realise even more what an amazing gift you were given with that voice of yours.
Cold shower time for me...
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Fantastic song, amazing presentation. Some very bold (in the English sense of the word) choices which for me paid off. I really like the sound of the piano and vocals (including the BVs which sound like another instrument).
I do have a tiny comment which is the last line of the bridge "Are you ready for that?" - it sounds a bit prosaic compared to the rest and I reckon there was an opportunity there to bring in "are you ready to pay your debt" or similar to rhyme with regret and refer back to the title.
But then that could be a whole different song and feeling, and really it doesn't need any tweaking at all.
Loved it.
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Fantastic song @MonnoDB (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=19820) .....and seriously good production. I love how your voice comes in so delicate and almost fragile and then builds to strength and confidence as the song progresses.
I love how that first guitar comes in. Typically pro mix from @Jambrains (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=19875) .
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what a lovely voice you have
difficult for me to write objectively about the song
I seem to be very into ireland these days
very good!
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I like the way you often throw in a couple of unexpected chords & with this one I love the chords at the end of the chorus. You nail the higher register @MonnoDB (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=19820) . The sound is perfectly mixed too. Very nice.
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This is a beautiful and expressive piece. I'd love to hear more of those high notes from you, Karen! You have an impressive range! You can sing both lower and higher than I can. Of course, that's pretty easy to manage these days. :P :-\ ::)
I think I'm going to go listen again so I can focus more on the backing vocals this time.
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Great song, the beauty of your vocals and the music are powerful.
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Well the star of the show is definitely the chorus on this one! Sooo good....and that melody twist on the word “you” is sublime!!😱🥳👍🏻 You sing the shiitake mushroom out of this Karen!👏🏻🌹👏🏻🌹 The music is great and supports the piece very well without getting in the way. Well done Jam! Mix sounds great.👍🏻
Only nit, and I say this with upmost respect is that the verse melody is a bit...beige...I know u want the chorus to really stand out which it does and it’s super fab, but I just feel u could have worked the verse melody a little more. Just my thoughts...BUT the great thing about THAT chorus is that it makes you hit replay...which is what it’s all about right?🤩🎶🎶👊🏻🎶🎶
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Thank you all for the lovely feedback - as noted this is high and the arrangement unusual for us so didn’t quite know what to expect so delighted with the positive reviews :)
@MrBouzouki (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=22320) Pete thanks so much .. Yeah you’re not wrong about the high register.. We decided to leave the first chorus w/o BVs even though I recorded them as the arrangement is very sparse at that point - later there are a few layered BVs including one a full octave lower. I did play around with the “destroy you” line being lower to give it that impact actually when writing but in the end I think it suits the desperate theme of the chorus lyric up high.. But food for thought as always - thanks so much for the critical listen and great comments..
@PeteS (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=22588) - hear you on the gaps - I’m a bit of a divil for them in my solo 1+1s.. It’s always a love or hate thing.… The percussive sound you mention is (@Jambrains can correct my description if I get it wrong) is a piano being struck (EzDrummer).. Thanks for the lovely comments Pete!
@Sebandme (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=22491) - thanks so much.. completely chuffed!! And right back at you! :)
@pompeyjazz (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=20269) yeah, we’re knocking them out alight.. Working on another at the mo… Such a delight for me.. thanks so much for your comments..
@MichaelA (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=21274)- dramatic, eh? Thanks a milll for that insight.. I don’t think actually we’ve done anything like this before but I see what you mean and those are some lovely comments you are throwing our way so thanks so much, so very much appreciated!
@moraamarolaloba (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=21233) Muchas gracias Mora! You're so lovely.. Much appreciated!
@kafla (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=6905) - too kind, sir! Thank you so much..
@jacksimmons (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=18881) - thanks a mill… We’ll have a look at that vocal / the treatment you note.. Appreciate the critical listen..
@Paulski (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=19241) - thanks.. Lol yes I know the contrast between the delivery and the words is stark.. Caused some consternation before we gave into it! :)
@PaulAds (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=20253) - well that’s some review! I thank you most profusely !!
@adamfarr (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=20124) - thanks.. great comments.. Hear you on the lyric and it’s a very good suggestion to use “debt” .. I did go work a version based on your that.. You never know, it might make its way into a future rework.. I think this one is settled in though - my chorus reworking went nowhere… (I sometimes think that songs take on a life of their own) I think it might be the same with the M8.. Again - thanks so much!
Hey @Unclenny (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=22611) - thanks a mill :) Yes the instrumentation & production are fab. It was such a pleasure to sing to this track.. .
@rightly (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=20219) - thanks a mill :) You are too kind entirely!
@5 guys named Lars (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=22535) - Thanks so much.. delighted..
@CaliaMoko (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=19928) - well you made me check my range as you know.. I always thought I had quite a narrow range actually - I’m getting braver.. Thanks a mill - means a lot!
@Melusine2 (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=22580) - thanks a mill.. :)
@LostBoy (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=20481) … well yeah you’re not wrong that the verse has little movement melodically - it’s actually just two notes.. Thanks re that and the rest… So not used to singing way up there in the clouds but I seem to be doing more of it.. Much appreciated.
Thanks again all.. blown away by the comments..
K
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@MonnoDB (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=19820)
I've not heard you make a bad recording so far and this keeps up your sensational standard. Your singing is sublime and this is a wonderfully evocative, atmospheric piece. The instruments are beautifully played and arranged and the whole thing is wondrous to my ears. A lovely thing indeed.
M
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@MonnoDB (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=19820),
Lovely bold piano chords and such a beautiful sound too. Great voice and fine balance of instruments. The guitar compliments the piano so well. A vocalist with range is always or character is always the greatest asset aside from songwriting ability. Fortunately, you have all three. I'd possibly consider an alternative, perhaps male backing vocal to add more power and balance to the chorus and contrast with your main vocal. Other than that, it's engaging and emotional. A super presentation.
Paul
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Hi @MonnoDB (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=19820) @Jambrains (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=19875)
What a terrific ballad so beautifully sung and played. I dont know how you achieved those high notes in the chorus but they really are effective. Loved the sad lyrics and the production as usual is 1st class, anther great collaboration from you two.
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@Grubstar (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=22532) thanks so much.. Not sure how I hit them either :) ! Lovely comments..
@Wicked Deeds (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=19231) thanks so much for the listen and those lovely comments.. Actually we did have a version with @Jambrains (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=19875) on BVs when we were playing around with it at the beginning. :) it did sound lovely! Thanks again..
@montydog (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=18653) high praise indeed from you thank you so much.. means a lot...
Thank you all - your listening and comments are very much appreciated..
K
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@MonnoDB (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=19820) what a beautiful song, stunning production too, I would agree with some to reduce the length of some of the pauses although I like where they are... I’m interested, is there some processing on the high vocals? It reminds of some early goldfrapp tracks and how the high notes were warped slightly, it’s a really cool effect however it was achieved and it’s a brilliant vocal throughout 👌👌
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I also think that the desperate dark sentiment of the lyrics ‘ Don’t leave, please stay, you owe me. Stay, don’t leave or I’ll destroy you’ are delivered so sweetly, like an innocent smile whilst toying with a knife!😁
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I’m interested, is there some processing on the high vocals? It reminds of some early goldfrapp tracks and how the high notes were warped slightly, it’s a really cool effect however it was achieved and it’s a brilliant vocal throughout 👌👌
(http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=19820)
Nothing special in terms of processing on the lead vox, a bunch of compressors, eq, reverb and delay. The BVs in the chorus has a touch of Waves ADT and Soundtoys Microshift.
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@man made material (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=22704) - thanks a mill .. yes indeed a desperate threat :).. See @Jambrains (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=19875) answer above re the vocal processing :) !
Karen