The Songwriter Forum - songwriting reviews, tips and chat
Songwriter Forum => Feedback on Finished songs => Topic started by: Sebandme on October 29, 2020, 03:35:36 PM
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First of all let me apologise ive not been on here half as much as id like, but ill be getting round all the new songs soon.
so here's my cheery song for a Friday evening, about suicide ......a tip of the hat to mental health awareness. (im in no way depressed very happy in fact, but something made me write it)
just me on my guitar and little backing vocal. guitar tuning is as follows :
D
A
D
G
A
D
A tuning I like to do but the chords were tricky.
please let me know what you think, as always I really, genuinely appreciate your feedback.
https://soundcloud.com/sebastianandme/can-you-hear-me-now
CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW
Do you feel it, do you see it
the green leaves on the trees
Can you feel it, the warmth.
The sun giving you goosebumps on your skin.
Suicide layby
he knew excatly what he was doing
it didnt matter to us!
Only ever matters when its black
its only important, only important
when its black
Lord can you can hear me now
can you just give me a sign
because i dont know what im doing
im not sure im ready to not sure im ready to
to die, to die (can you hear me now)
to die, to die (can you hear me now)
Can you hear me now
Its too late
Its too late
its too late
its too late.
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Hey @Sebandme (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=22491) - I really like this.. beautiful melody beautifully sung.. lovely tone.. I am partial to a dark song so I really like the lyric.. Glad it's not personal to you... Very poignant..
The "Lord can you hear me now.." melody is gorgeous - real emotion in the delivery supported really well by the BVs..
Really enjoyed this... thought the fade was a tiny bit sudden - only nit!
(Btw - It's Thursday :)) - but maybe you wrote it on a Friday!)
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@MonnoDB (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=19820) hahahahaha I have genuinely thought its been Friday all day! thanks for letting me know its Thursday haha, the beauty of shift work no idea what day it is.
thanks for checking it out, its very rough I recorded as I wrote it (which was about 3pm), so definitely room for improvement and yes not sure where the darkness came from but hey ho!
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Holi @Sebandme (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=22491)
Wonderful ballad and shout!!! Sure I am impressed by the wave in your lyrics and in your voice.
I don't want to die either, I have many pending things ... Hmmmm
Stay safe
Mora
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Thank you so much for the kind comments:)
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Hi
Interesting melody, not keen on the subject matter but that doesn’t detract from the overall song writing performance. Nice vocal but felt you were a little stretched which gave out a bit towards the end, As you advised it’s at an early stage so perhaps something that can be tinkered with in the future.
Nice job well worth Ironing out any wrinkles.
BB
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@Beebeesmith (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=22341) youre right, definitely at top of my range near the end, i have to hold back a little or the whole street will hear me. Subject matter completely accept its not to everyones taste. Thanks for your kind words though its much appreciated.
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I like this. When the lyrics sound so personal & heart felt (even if they`re not ;D) I think your vocals fit well with that...they shouldn`t be too restrained. I`ve never tried writing a song in a different tuning..sounds interesting. "Its only important when its black" is a great hook line. Good work @Sebandme (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=22491) :)
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@5 guys named Lars (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=22535) thankyou for checking it out! And yes the the line "its only important when its black" i thought was super catchy a real hook. Glad you thought so to :) thanks again for checking it out.
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@Sebandme (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=22491)
Hi, love your voice. I can see that the lyric might be difficult for some, but I liked it. Haven’t tried that tuning yet. Must give it a go as I’ve found changes of tuning to be inspirational. Good song, enjoyed it!
Cheers
Jamie
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Very brutal subject matter in the lyrics expressed through the raw beauty of your playing and vocals. Wow @Sebandme (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=22491) , that is a hard one to pull off, but you did manage that with some artistic masterstroke that came from somewhere. You say the wife just popped out and you give us the impression, like too for the 'I'm Your man' number, that you just knock out these things while you are waiting for your tea to microwave or something. Some talent if that is true! Good on ya! ;D
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@MichaelA (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=21274) wow thankyou so much for the kind words! Not subject i though id ever touch on, but it just came out......not sure where from but when it happens i just roll with whats coming out. Youre right the about "im your man" the wife had gone to stay with her parents so i was home alone hence the opening line from that song is "this house aint no home now youre no longer here " then i went with the flow. You'll know whens she popped out because the songs are always just me on my acoustic guitar and a really rough recording as ive just wrote it like almost off cuff and i very rarely go back and change lyrics, in such cases like this one can be quite hard to follow, im still trying to figure it out!
Thanks for taking the time to listen i appreciate it :)
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I love it and we need to write about the difficult stuff. I love your vocal, you have a great voice, I'd be interested to know what mixing you did on that part.
Yes the vocal tired a little but so what, only gripes from me, it starts too quick, maybe a couple of seconds of silence at the start of the track, it also sounded like you might have nipped off that initial attack on the first note. Also agree that the fade is too quick but I loved it!
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Always love your vocal delivery @Sebandme (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=22491) Reminds me of Richard Ashcroft in some ways. This is fab. You have a great delivery and style. Great melodic pop. Super stuff :)
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@pompeyjazz (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=20269) cheers for the comments, ill take Richard ashcroft any day! Thanks for checking it out.
@PeteS (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=22588) yes, i think im going to redo it and make it properly as this is a very rough copy.... mixing wise its literally is just me my guitar and i used garageband......isnthat info you were after?
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Thanks, another Garageband user, excellent!. The vocal sounds really rich, a lot to dom with your voice but what did you add? Compression? Reverb? multiple tracks?
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Ahhhhh i used waves plugin chris lord alge.....you heard of it?
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Thanks Seb, I hadn't heard of it but I've had a look and I think I may well give it a try! Waves have so many good plugins it's hard to keep up!
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Hi Seb,
Top tune. Great Indie vibe.
Thought the vocal was high quality and genuine. Could hear the desperation.
Lyrically strong.
1 man & a guitar goes a long way. :)
Digger
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Yikes, too late... that's quite a thing to take on board.
You make a great full sound with just guitar and vocals, very impressive.
I thought a couple of lyrics didn't totally scan well - "what he was doing" "i-important". Though of course it's not supposed to be all sweet and smooth...
"Suicide layby" is a fantastic line - a whole story in two words. I like the switching of point of view from him to I - but maybe there's something more to say about what he was doing there from his point of view? (that I was drawn in to hear more is a good thing!)
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@digger72 (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=9823) thanks for the nice comment. Sometines 1 man and his guitar is simple yet effective.
@adamfarr (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=20124) yeah the too late part is earie and sad! Glad that came across.
I understand what youre saying about the lyrics not sitting right but i think in the song it works, like you say its switching from him to i, the line "its only important when its black" is referring to suicide layby person, that it didnt matter untill he was in that position....you know a "dark place" it quite confusing lol ive spent 5 days trying work out whay I was saying haha. Glad you liked it though:)
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@Sebandme (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=22491)
There's really lots to like here, from the acoustic to the lovely vocals.
And whilst I like brevity and think this could longer, so I'm going to play it again.
Anthemic
:-)
neil