The Songwriter Forum - songwriting reviews, tips and chat
Songwriter Forum => Feedback on Finished songs => Topic started by: MichaelA on September 17, 2020, 03:18:54 PM
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Hi all, here’s a new one - Time Machine - featuring the full band, me on vocals, me on drums, me on guitar, me on synths and me on bass. Now I understand where @5 guys named Lars (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=22535) got his inspiration from! ...it can be a lonely life this song creation business. Less so with all your band mates around.
If there’s any band members you think I should sack let me know! :D ...might regret that, mind.
It’s just a bit of light entertainment I suppose, but kept me amused and occupied for a bit. Hope you enjoy if you do listen, even though it will never be a hit - I visited the future to check.
https://soundcloud.com/michael-a-duffy/time-machine (https://soundcloud.com/michael-a-duffy/time-machine)
Time Machine
You said what has been said’s been said
The past can’t be rerun
The fairy tales I sold to you
All false, can’t be undone
If I knew then what I know now
I’d do things differently
Turn back the clock and put things right
No more stories
Only a time machine
Can save our love
So I bought a time machine
To rescue love
At the quantum leap online store
Left your credit card there
See you in my time machine
Back there somewhere
I chose the red one, cos you love red
So cool go-faster stripes
Kick-ass black hole deflector shield
Chrome triple exhaust pipes
Way back in time I’m Mr Right
Past damages repaired
It’s all there in the user guide
E=mc2
You never knew a time machine
Needed back wheel stabilisers
You don’t believe it got five stars
On Time Travel Trip Adviser
You never knew a time machine
Needs assembling like flat-pack
But the guarantee’s a million years
Then you’ll get your money back
That you lent
And I spent
Oh lament
I repent
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Once again a great lyrical idea and I especially love the lyrics in the bridge....stabilizers, flat pack, trip advisor....great imagery as always.
I enjoyed the music...😁👍🏻
If I'm being honest I wasnt crazy about two things, BUT both are very subjective so feel free to ignore..
1. I think a different vocal harmony line would serve the chorus better. (No...not the singer I promise!😆) the one u sing is fine BUT imho I can hear another that would make the chorus shinier.😊🤷🏼♂️
2. Too many "time machines" in the chorus for me.
Anyway that's all I've got. I always enjoy your songs equal parts quirky and brill! 😁🎶🙌🏻🎶
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@MichaelA (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=21274)
Michael, this is beautiful. Lovely emotion, a fine melody, and cool lyrics served up as a slice of authentic retro pop.
Nothing more to add.
Kudos my friend!
Paul
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I love that plinky plonky synth riff, almost OMD like. In fact there is some fantastic synth stuff throughout. Great melody on this one as well Michael and the lyrics are stand out. Time travel trip advisor indeed :) A fabulous idea perfectly executed. This should be released on a limited edition Red vinyl 7 inch (Just an idea) :)
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You really are a great storyteller Michael..I really enjoy your songs because they are always interesting, quirky and tell a story. Your lyrics as usual are superb & this has a lovely cosy feeling to it. Well done to all of you. :D Hope the new band is a success..as we`ve discovered it can get pretty messy if you split up. ;D
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It's a great production with some interesting synth riffs throughout. I agree with @LostBoy (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=20481) on too many Time Machines in the chorus. The bridge and the transition back into the chorus really works though.
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Yes loving the ‘electricity-esque’ synths 😍
Good to hear your natural accent - more John Power than Lennon 😃 love the wee H sounds in front of the Os.
Excellent lyrics which develop the story and theme. The bleeps and bloops really carry it along well and it’s got a great pop melody.
Loving your work sir 😎👍🏻
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Hola @MichaelA (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=21274)
Wow, you're the band man !!!
Outside of jokes, good work, your song is original, I love the idea of the Time machine
it has put myself in a good mood, today I did not have a good morning ... But you have made me change my mind, thank you.
Be safe!
Mora
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Time Travel Trip Advisor is a stroke of genius. E=Mc2 is hilarious too (a bit quiet that bit?).
I like the way you throw out convention repeating the "save our love" bit.
I probably agree that you have a very similar harmony in the verses and the chorus, so something a bit different in the chorus might be something to try.
Very clever idea for a song. Synth stuff is perfect for a sci-fi theme - nice indeed.
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@MichaelA (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=21274)
Another great lyric in your inimitable style. Love the production , the arrangement and the instrumentation. Nicely sung too!
What's not to like?
Cheers
Jamie
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This is a great idea...I love it! I might have stressed a couple of syllables a bit differently. And left out "chews" (there were only two and they weren't terrible). It's really cute and engaging. I really enjoyed the images: red, deflector shield, stripes, exhaust pipes, back wheel stabilizers. Needs assembly! From Ikea, no doubt! This is great! I guess I already said that....
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Thanks for the early feedback on this folks. I’m going to sort out a couple of tweaks next week now.
@LostBoy (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=20481) thanks Leo, I’ll definitely think about varying that chorus harmony which is all straight thirds at the moment. Plus, yeah I think I will see if a ‘time machine’ repetition in the chorus can go to. Very useful feedback, thanks ;D
@Wicked Deeds (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=19231) , glad you liked it, thanks for the encouragement.
@pompeyjazz (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=20269) , yeah red vinyl. Sounds great!
@5 guys named Lars (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=22535) , thanks and yes I do like to tell a story in my songs. I’ll try not to let my band break up, so ta for the warning 😉
@kafla (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=6905) , I had to puzzle out what an electricity-esque synth was. But yeah now I realise, guess I am guilty. I watched the video on YouTube and OMD look so nerdy, impossible to think they were pop stars, ha! I’m not a scouser btw, just live near Liverpool. Thanks for the nice comments.
@moraamarolaloba (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=21233) , hi Mora I am so pleased my song cheered you up on a bad morning. It’s great if a song can do that! 😀
@adamfarr (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=20124) , thanks Adam, yep I will tweak the vol on MC2 and experiment with the harmonies. Cheers.
@Jamie (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=19125) , thanks and you can come again 😀
@CaliaMoko (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=19928) , really pleased you liked the idea Vicki. I’ll be sure to watch my ‘chews’ in future ;)
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@MichaelA (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=21274) ,
back for another listen,
you really are a quality writer!
Paul
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Hi Michael,
You're on a bit of a roll ATM - this is clever, well written and your use of instrumentation is a perfect match up with the scientific theme. The 5 star rating line had me doubled over. Nothing I'd change here - so refreshing and original. Totally loved it.
M
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@Wicked Deeds (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=19231) , thanks for the re-listen Paul, and very kind of you to say that.
Hi @montydog (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=18653) , very encouraging feedback that, thanks! I have actually been saving that Trip Advisor quip for a while. And finally got to use it, after my abandoned song about going to the tip with loft rubbish died a death on my DAW. That one would have been called Tip Advisor, just so you know 😀 cheers, always a pleasure!
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As always the original and quirky theme - always look forward to hearing what you come up with... This one doesn't disappoint. Really like that perky synth sound melody in the background.. Track is great.. loads going on..
I listened before I read the comment and the repetition of Sound Machine in the chorus also struck me - I see you're going to look at that, I certainly would agree you could swap a couple out...
Loved E=mc2 ...
Another one to add to a fine collection of unique and very clever songs.. Album time???
K
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Hi all. I have done some tweaking after the helpful feedback I've had on here.
https://soundcloud.com/michael-a-duffy/time-machine (https://soundcloud.com/michael-a-duffy/time-machine)
1. Took out one of the repetitions of the phrase 'Time Machine' in the chorus. Changed the lyric to accommodate.
2. Changed the chorus melody just a tad on the first line, so it comes in higher for more impact.
3. Scrapped the old chorus harmonies. Tried something different and then took a chance on adding heavy reverb to the now panned harms to go with the sci-fi theme. Hope this works. Only just done it, so I'll have to let it settle to make my mind up.
4. Increased the volume of the 'MC2' robot twins, as suggested by @adamfarr (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=20124)
I am happier with it now, so thanks for the feedback all.
Finally thanks @MonnoDB (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=19820) Karen for that latest bit of feedback. Yeah I did have a look at what you mentioned ta, but thanks too for the general positivity. Yes I am toying with the album idea, but can't decide if it would 'just be for me'. Not terrible if it is just for me, as I deserve a treat every now and again, just like all of us do. But I'd love to hear your conclusion about your album work with Mr JB sometime. Cheers!
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I was just going to have a listen to your new version before hitting the sack after a busy day but the link doesn't work @MichaelA (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=21274) Hopefully see you for a natter tomorrow evening :)
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@pompeyjazz (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=20269) i can’t replicate that fault on my iPad or phone. Not sure if it’s about caching or something. But I suggest you hit the link harder! ;)
Not sure what else to do...
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Well @MichaelA (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=21274) it takes a very brave and humble man to take criticism on board even if it’s constructive, and the danger is you can go backwards - I know this feeling well btw - reset every dial to zero 🤣🤣
To my ear it all works really well - the robot MC2 works really well. Backing vocals are always tricky - the advice I read is to have them so you can hear them and then dial them back until you can only just - it’s always tempting to put them back up. Imagine a band on stage and pan to where the backing singers would be in terms of left / right but also behind (using reverb) I can confirm I approve of what you’ve done - the harmonics work really well in the chorus 😍
This song gets better with every listen and it’s pop at its finest 😎👍🏻
Well done 👏🏻👏🏻
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Ah ! Great, it works on my computer and sounds fabulous. I think that the changes that you have made have all been successful. As others have said, it's daunting to implement changes when you were pretty happy with the original. I always make sure that I save a copy of the original before "dicking" about with my mix. A fab jaunty piece of pop that really should be on red vinyl :)
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Sonically really good - and good for you for taking on board some comments, sometimes hard to do.
The only thing that stuck out a bit was "quantum leap online store" which I didn't think sang totally well. If you were up for one more version I'd try to smooth that line out somehow - "quantum online store"? "worm hole online store"? "Doc Brown's online store"? "plutonium online store"? or even "delorean online store"? Not easy, and you may feel you already have the best option.
As they say in Portugal "he who criticizes wants to buy"...
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Thanks for having a re-listen you three!
@kafla (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=6905) , that’s an interesting way of thinking about harmonies, I’ll bear that in mind thanks. Glad you are on board the Time Machine now!
@pompeyjazz (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=20269) , cheers John, yes that red vinyl idea is deffo growing on me. Yeah I did make a copy, as like you I have found sometimes you go around in circles with the tweaks, and of course get nowhere.
@adamfarr (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=20124) , aaaaaggghhhh!!!!!! You have picked on the two lines that have been killing me. I have written so many alternatives....Still thanks for being honest about your niggle. I was thinking of sacrificing the credit card gag, then, as the money borrowing thing is done later anyway. But then making the second part of the chorus sound more closely associated with the first. Like this:
Only a time machine
Can save our love
So I bought a time machine
To rescue love
Only it’s not a dream
It’s love extraordinaire
See you in my time machine
Back there somewhere
Better? 😩 😀
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Last go, in my head this morning...
Lonely the future seems
I’m not going there
See you in my time machine
Back there somewhere
THE END
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Lonely the future seems
The depressing air
See you in my time machine
I’m happy there
Lonely the future seems
Because you’re not there
See you in my time machine
I’m happy there
You could also stretch the last line - stones roses style - to
Back in my time machine
I’m happier
Feel free to ignore 🤣
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Toughie! Don't like verbs out of place, so my suggestion for now:
No more thoughts of might-have-beens
Gonna press "undo"
See you in my time machine
And we'll start anew
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@MichaelA (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=21274),
Back for another listen. This sure is a great song!
Paul
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Great concept, well written lyrics, super melody and some great synth, well done!
Agree with the comment on too many "Time Machines" in the chorus. How about replacing "So I bought a Time Machine" with "So I bought myself some time" ?
Cheers,
Kevin
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Thanks for all these listens and supportive feedback @kafla (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=6905) , @Wicked Deeds (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=19231) , @adamfarr (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=20124) and @kevysc (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=19775).
I’ve been messing about with it today, but don’t think any of the alternatives are stand our better than what I have already. At this point I think it is always best to leave it for a while. Come back later with a fresh and energised head in a few weeks time, and that little bit I need to tweak will probably come easily. I really like this song amongst others in my collection, so want to get it just right. ...but laters...
Thanks all ;)