The Songwriter Forum - songwriting reviews, tips and chat
Songwriter Forum => Lyrics => Topic started by: rightly on September 03, 2020, 11:22:01 AM
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A story helped me with writing the third verse.
The story in short
Then the lyrics.
The aunt of a friend of mine died in an old person‘s home about a year ago
the authorities claim they tried to contact the relatives but failed, Eventually they gave up trying
they did manage to contact an unofficial financial advisor of ill repute
It has been said this advisor settled everything donating the money to various charities at the request of the deceased.
This auntie left behind a book of contacts, names and addresses this book was accidentally thrown away shortly after her death.
My friend is investigating
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keeping it together
looking through a bookstore window yesterday
plenty non religious heroes on display
tying up loose ends for friends behind the fray
offering a common source of identity
keeping it together,
I’m keeping it together
importing immigrants f’ all the dirty work
making ends meet is more than they deserve
we’ll make our beds and sleep ‘pon their dreams
the old gods are dead now we emulate machines
I miss th’ call, blind to it all, find myself alone
I get distracted, feelin’ strangely at home
following that river
it doesn’t really matter
convicts of old age hooked when they were young
worked away their lives into oblivion
all our fears are here wrapped up in human skin
whichever way we vote the government gets in
we’re all in this together
got to get in line
wave your wild signs high!
keeping it together
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I get a kind of dystopian feel from this. I think that stems mainly from the line:
The old gods are dead now we emulate machines
But the "keeping it together" parts lean a bit that way for me, too. Maybe this would be a good fit for the early part of a movie in which everything is about to go south. ?? ;D
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Did I like this? No. It's a little too dark for my tastes. And a little too cynical.
Separate question. -- Did I respect and appreciate this? Yes, absolutely. Totally valid, totally on focus. Well written word pictures, and wonderful flow.
It's a very good lyric. Hell, maybe it's a great lyric. It's not about whether I 'like it' or not, it's about how good is it. It's more than good.
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Did I like this? No. It's a little too dark for my tastes. And a little too cynical.
Separate question. -- Did I respect and appreciate this? Yes, absolutely. Totally valid, totally on focus. Well written word pictures, and wonderful flow.
It's a very good lyric. Hell, maybe it's a great lyric. It's not about whether I 'like it' or not, it's about how good is it. It's more than good.
#Hardtwistmusic
I always appreciate your comments
This song does have a cynical ring to it
I can write a sad song but I master it
I’m not the man of constant sorrow
I needn’t exclude the negative observations to enjoy being alive.
Some suppress the negative I don’t
People tend to enjoy my company but I’m no socialite.
I tend to wake in the mornings feeling effortlessly optimistic.
The images I put together are subject to me.
I imagine not being creative but being reactive is a waking nightmare
Fortunately I can draw a line, observe as it disappears, often I can bring the line back into existence. Sometimes it’ll appear without my intervention.
I know some people who can’t draw the line, I don’t envy them.
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YOU WROTE:
"This song does have a cynical ring to it
I can write a sad song but I master it
I’m not the man of constant sorrow
I needn’t exclude the negative observations to enjoy being alive.
Some suppress the negative I don’t
People tend to enjoy my company but I’m no socialite.
I tend to wake in the mornings feeling effortlessly optimistic.
The images I put together are subject to me."
THEN YOU WROTE:
"I imagine not being creative
but being reactive is a waking nightmare
Fortunately I can draw a line, observe as it disappears,
often I can bring the line back into existence.
Sometimes it’ll appear without my intervention.
I know some people who can’t draw the line.
I don’t envy them.
Such interesting comments. The first thing I thought when I read them was that this was more than half way to being a song lyric of it's own. A little music, and a few rhymes sprinkled in, and ... voila. You're there.
I hope you didn't think I was suggesting that you (or others) shouldn't write dark things. I'm not so arrogant as to think that my like, or dislike for a piece of art should dictate anything. I'm just one member of an almost infinite audience. It's why my like/dislike is secondary to appreciating the art itself.
[/quote]
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YOU WROTE:
"This song does have a cynical ring to it
I can write a sad song but I master it
I’m not the man of constant sorrow
I needn’t exclude the negative observations to enjoy being alive.
Some suppress the negative I don’t
People tend to enjoy my company but I’m no socialite.
I tend to wake in the mornings feeling effortlessly optimistic.
The images I put together are subject to me."
THEN YOU WROTE:
"I imagine not being creative
but being reactive is a waking nightmare
Fortunately I can draw a line, observe as it disappears,
often I can bring the line back into existence.
Sometimes it’ll appear without my intervention.
I know some people who can’t draw the line.
I don’t envy them.
Such interesting comments. The first thing I thought when I read them was that this was more than half way to being a song lyric of it's own. A little music, and a few rhymes sprinkled in, and ... voila. You're there.
I hope you didn't think I was suggesting that you (or others) shouldn't write dark things. I'm not so arrogant as to think that my like, or dislike for a piece of art should dictate anything. I'm just one member of an almost infinite audience. It's why my like/dislike is secondary to appreciating the art itself.
[/quote]
I’m sure I understand you.
My response may have been unclear
I was trying to make the point
That I personally don’t suffer the negative observations I’m glad to articulate.