The Songwriter Forum - songwriting reviews, tips and chat
Songwriter Forum => Feedback on Finished songs => Topic started by: Unclenny on August 10, 2020, 12:30:50 PM
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Every so often my friend, Christiane Spruit, will take a break from singing with her band, Blue Attitude ( https://www.blue-attitude.net/ ), to sit at her piano.
Sometimes when that happens I get the great pleasure of working with her to flesh out a song. 8)
A Dream Within A Dream
https://soundcloud.com/scaperandspruit/a-dream-within-a-dream
I can see you smiling
Even though you're not quite there
You are like a child in your persistence
With innocence sublime
All of this mystery is beguiling
Even as you rise into the air
I can see for miles in to the distance
With the way you shine
INSTRUMENTAL INTERLUDE
This is a dream within a dream
Listen
Can you hear the rain
Listen once again
It sounds like
And wishing
Doesn't change the dream
Where things aren't what they seem to be
And the night goes on and on and on and on
Yes I can see you smiling
And it doesn't seem quite fair
That I have been reviled for my resistance
Never will I change my mind
Here in this dream we just keep trying
And suddenly we're flying in the air
We are dialing in the distance
As we step right out of time
This is a dream within a dream
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@Unclenny (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=22611)
Hi, lovely piano playing and tone. Very nice song love your voice on this. My only slight nit would be that the repetition of the 'dream within a dream' bit felt a tad too much.
Still a very nice collaboration!
Cheers
Jamie
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Hola @Unclenny (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=22611)
Your song is wonderful, full of sensibility and images appearing like into a dream...
And when you repeat
"This is a dream within a dream"
I like it so much!
The piano of Christian Spruit sounds splendid and gives to the song a magical atmosphere.
Today it's raining and the wind became cold... so, surrounded by changes it has been good to listen to your so relaxing song.
You know I am your fan!
Mora
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Hey @Jamie (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=19125) ......thanks for listening and for your comments. I appreciate that about the vocals and I'll relay your appreciation of the piano to Chris. I know what you mean about that repetition. I knew some would see it as too much but it just felt right during the initial performance so I kept it in there....it felt kind of dream like when I was singing.
Hola Mora! @moraamarolaloba (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=21233) .........I'm glad this song helped with the cold wind. Thank you for listening.
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Really top quality in every respect...I did feel slightly discombobulated at all the dreams within dreams you were having...must have been quite a night!
And, as you say, if it feels right...go with it!
You're a quality turn, as we'd say up north...
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Lovely stuff @Unclenny (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=22611) I read the lyrics and thought about those infinity mirrors. The piano is lovely and your vocals are so suited to this type of song. A top quality song :)
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Thanks for that @PaulAds (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=20253) .....it's odd how that lyric popped out. But I actually now know exactly what I was trying to convey........
I read the lyrics and thought about those infinity mirrors.
That image is exactly the feeling that I was trying to convey! 8)
Thanks for that @pompeyjazz (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=20269) .
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Lovely song - and what great piano playing especially that arpeggio after "listen" ;D
Vocals are good - very easy-listening and dreamy ;D
I think as far as the repeated dream stuff goes, you over-played your hand a bit early.
A listener wants more meat and potatoes before sweet dessert is served.
I would have waited for the end to repeat it so often but that's just me.
Nice work
Paul
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I think as far as the repeated dream stuff goes, you over-played your hand a bit early.
A listener wants more meat and potatoes before sweet dessert is served.
I think that is a fantastic observation @Paulski (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=19241) .....upon consideration I completely agree. And I also agree that the piano arpeggio from Christiane Spruit is brilliant.
Thanks for you appreciation of the song.
After working with Chris like this and then returning to working alone with just my guitars......I always feel as though I have stepped off the cloud and gone back to being just Lenny again. 8)
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Ok folks.....after pondering @Paulski (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=19241) 's very specific suggestion about that repetitive chorus I pulled the session back up in the hope that I might be able to do some editorial surgery. Sure enough....I was able to slide things around and do a few other things to take out half of the first chorus.
I think the song works much better now. Thanks to everyone who called my attention to that flaw and especially to @Paulski (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=19241) . I think this is what we are all about here, right?
Just using the original link with the replaced file.......
https://soundcloud.com/scaperandspruit/a-dream-within-a-dream
8)
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Listened to the updated track and oh, that sweet dessert tastes so much better now at the end of a satisfying meal!
Thanks for taking on my suggestion with such grace and aplomb :)
Great song ;D
Paul
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Not much to add other than this has a nice gentleness in the vocals, plus some really great piano playing!
Cheers, Kevin
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Thanks for that, Kevin @kevysc (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=19775) . :)
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Hey there unclenny.............as always, great. Your songwriting, playing and recording is something to envy. A moving, fragile piece.....a pleasure to listen!
-Tom
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I am a piano fan and I really like the piano on this, especially the arpeggio after "It sounds like..." That bit right there makes it an actual duet with piano and vocal, not just a vocal accompanied by piano. And it's done so well! I'm super impressed because I can't control my touch on the keys like that. Maybe if I practiced....
One other thing stood out for me: the rhyme scheme. I like it a lot, mainly because it's different from usual. I did notice you almost broke it when you sang "smile" instead of "shine"...but that is still an imperfect rhyme, so it works. And I think "smile" fits the thought better than "shine", too.
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@IronKnee (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=20409) .......thanks so much for that, Tom. We appreciate you stopping by to give this one a listen.
@CaliaMoko (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=19928).........I so agree about how Chris plays. She has a wonderful touch on the keys. And thanks for that about the lyrics. I tend to go with what feels right.
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Hey @Unclenny (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=22611) - I thought I'd commented on this? Including something about the cello. I certainly listened to it before.. Must be losing my marbles....
I really like your work with Chris - and the piano part here is beautiful, she has a great touch and this one obviously inspired you in the best way... My favourite part of it is the "Listen, listen to the rain..." the vocal treatment there and that beautiful piano playing under it with your guitar appear at the end of it ... lovely !
Lovely, Steve!
K
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@MonnoDB (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=19820) .......thank you so much for checking this one out. This was a good project for me as I can feel my songwriting slipping away a bit as I get old. I worry a bit about that but....hey, it's just a natural thing I guess.This piano track from Chris Spruit sparked me up nicely.
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I’ve commented on this before on another forum but it sounds better so I don’t know if you’ve made some improvements or it’s the arrangement revealing itself
Still got a Dear Theodosia vibe , which I love.
It would definitely sit well in a musical or a Disney film , I mean this as a compliment btw
If I was you I would send it off to publishers , I think it’s that good ❤️👍🏻