The Songwriter Forum - songwriting reviews, tips and chat

Songwriter Forum => Feedback on Finished songs => Topic started by: Jamie on August 03, 2020, 04:51:42 PM

Title: Shame
Post by: Jamie on August 03, 2020, 04:51:42 PM
Hi all, my latest effort, a bit of a change of direction on this one. The lyrical content of this one took a 180 deg turn during the writing of this song. Unusually I was writing the lyric at the same time i was writing and recording it, and I didn't like the flow of some of the words, so I started re-writing it line by line as I went on.I didn't change  many of the words, but it completely turned round the meaning I'd had in mind at the start. When I read them after I recorded them that I'd written about a real event that happened to someone I knew. I've never before(knowingly) written a song that was about an actual event. A bit weird really, must have been subconsciously on my mind. A sad story I'm afraid.
I look forward to your usual intelligent and articulate, constructive views!
Cheers

Jamie

https://soundcloud.com/jamie1802/shame

Shame

I can't comfort you, how can I even try
Can't get through to you, but I, have no regrets, no regrets

Please, don't look at me, I'm not what I want to be
I heard every word, it seems, so absurd, so absurd

I needed you to know what you put me through, you do
I thought you knew I'd go, before it all fell through

i can't reveal my thoughts, my thoughts of you different points of view
I've done many things, I know, my mind was wondering, wandering

I need you to know what you put me through, you do
I thought you knew I'd go before it all fell through

Darkness is surrounding me, I still can't see, please let me be
I'll blow the clouds apart, when I depart, and you will know, when I go

I know it's time, you knew what I had to do with you
It's such a shame to go, it's what I have  to do
Title: Re: Shame
Post by: kevysc on August 03, 2020, 07:01:00 PM
Really like the piano motif in the verses, really effective and engaging. Also, really like the vocal melody, nice variation that keeps me engaged.

Great dark guitar break towards the end, reinforces the dark, sombre mood.

Suggestion : add a simple "Shame" backing vocal for the last verse/ chorus: I think it would add extra power to an already powerful piece.

Cheers,

Kevin
Title: Re: Shame
Post by: adamfarr on August 04, 2020, 11:49:19 AM
I really really like that "dirty" lead guitar. The brooding and unsettling piano really sets everything up and is another highlight. The rhythm of the lyrics works so well too with the little "you do"s etc. Great build and a great ending!
Title: Re: Shame
Post by: montydog on August 04, 2020, 12:03:14 PM
Hi Jamie,
This is great. Atmospheric with some lovely instrumental parts - guitar figure, piano riff and the harmonies are highlights. I would have maybe picked up the tempo and cut back on some of the pads - they can soften up a stark lyric too much. Otherwise, another of your epic masterpieces.
M
Title: Re: Shame
Post by: Jambrains on August 04, 2020, 01:44:06 PM
Great dynamics, love the quieter parts and when the BIG drums join in. Think the vox need to come up a bit in the parts where that piano is driving things forward relentlessly.
Ah, those drums are great! And the vox has a haunting quality that fits perfectly with the rest.  Was not too keen on the solo guitar sound but that is down to personal taste of course.  Really enjoyed this one, well done!
Title: Re: Shame
Post by: rightly on August 05, 2020, 12:54:29 PM
A lot to like here Jamie.
Nice surprises throughout.
Over four minutes and
No loose ends.
Good work.
Title: Re: Shame
Post by: Unclenny on August 05, 2020, 12:54:37 PM
I really like how these lyrics work.....sometimes the best ones come from a subconscious level like that. The way you sing them really makes them work and the way you place your vocals gives the whole song a strong sense of depth.
Title: Re: Shame
Post by: pompeyjazz on August 05, 2020, 03:21:57 PM
Hi @Jamie (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=19125) Very atmospheric intro. Almost menacing sounding. There's lots of space here to add to the atmosphere. That piano is really very effective. Fab vocals as usual and like the octave vocals in the chorus. You are on fire mate  :)
Title: Re: Shame
Post by: Grubstar on August 06, 2020, 04:14:27 PM
Hi Jamie

You have produced  another left field and enjoyable track, I really like the way that you are always willing to experiment with your songs and production. I love the haunting choral introduction that transitions into the piano based verse, I think, as others have commented, that the verse piano is a little high in the mix and overshadows the vocal a little. However the chorus is excellent very melodic  and the vocals are produced perfectly. I also liked the ending with the repeated choral backed vocal, from a personal point of view though I thought the end guitar  tone was bit high and buzzy(?) but that is just my opinion.
Title: Re: Shame
Post by: MonnoDB on August 06, 2020, 05:40:50 PM
Sad and brooding... this grabbed me immediately. Definitely my favourite of yours so far... some lovely lyrical touches.. melody very interesting and I too really liked the piano motif... drums are great too...

Just loved it!

K
Title: Re: Shame
Post by: PeteS on August 06, 2020, 07:05:21 PM
Brilliant Jamie!  Loved the atmospheric nature, the piano riff, the light and shade everything.  Top class my man!
Title: Re: Shame
Post by: CharlieSmith on August 06, 2020, 09:08:17 PM
Nothing much to add that hasn't be said. I think it sounds intense  but also spacy at the same time. I like the use of the ambient sounds but the panio realy drives it. Great stuff
Title: Re: Shame
Post by: moraamarolaloba on August 07, 2020, 01:57:32 PM
A piano that makes your song ethereal, enveloping your lyrics with the air of its notes.
Nice song, sad, eloquent and raw.
When in the minute approx. 1'30 opens the song wow is fantastic @Jamie (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=19125)
Title: Re: Shame
Post by: Wicked Deeds on August 07, 2020, 04:07:46 PM
Great musical intro followed by that lovely urgent piano.  Yours is a melodic song which I find is always the greatest challenge for any writer.  This is a powerful, dramatic song @Jamie (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=19125); one that has real purpose.

Paul
Title: Re: Shame
Post by: cowparsleyman on August 09, 2020, 09:30:16 AM
@Jamie (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=19125) - Listening for the first time while I type...As often i your songs Jamie, there is space between the lyrics,  I always love the drums on your tracks.

I dig the use of the piano as a kind of picked Acoustic gtr vibe.

Great BV tracking.. LVox is being a tad occluded around 2:10  ish, then comes back to the fore with the Chr.

Like the way the synth vox track the the Lead Gtr line, which in itself is a melody line from the Vox, great stuff man.

One of your best works Jamie.

Title: Re: Shame
Post by: Jamie on August 10, 2020, 02:51:19 PM
Hi All, thanks for listening!

@cowparsleyman (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=21308) @Wicked Deeds (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=19231) @moraamarolaloba (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=21233) @CharlieSmith (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=22647) @PeteS (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=22588) @MonnoDB (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=19820) @Grubstar (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=22532) @pompeyjazz (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=20269) @Unclenny (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=22611) @rightly (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=20219) @Jambrains (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=19875) @montydog (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=18653) @adamfarr (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=20124) @kevysc (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=19775)

I've been away so haven't been picking up on your comments.

Pretty generous comments and some nice feedback too, thanks all of you for listening! I was trying to expand my 'sound' by trying out the 'novel' piano theme in the verses, and also trying to get more light and shade into it. I had to fight hard to prevent it becoming a Queen, singalong chorus type song ;).

Too many comments to do them all justice as I'm away again tomorrow , but many thanks guys!
Its always appreciated!

Jamie
Title: Re: Shame
Post by: cowparsleyman on August 10, 2020, 04:19:20 PM
@Jamie (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=19125) - Hmmm I guess this warm weather would be ideal for that all-in-1 white satin body suit and sawn off mic stand...it would great down the local open mic night....
Title: Re: Shame
Post by: Jamie on August 10, 2020, 04:59:15 PM
@cowparsleyman (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=21308)

Aaaah, if only I had the legs and the lungs for that Rich ;D

 8) Jamie

Although I once had a mic stand collapse playing with my band and the crowd thought it was a ‘move’ and gave a big cheer after the song....
Title: Re: Shame
Post by: Paulski on August 11, 2020, 03:53:11 PM
Hi Jamie

You and @shadowfax (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=20024) Kevin have similar etherial vocal tracks that really sound amazing IMO.
I love the piano in this - that pattern reminded me of an old song "Friday on my Mind" which is probably before your time but one of my all-time favs. The timing in this one also impressed the hell out of me  ;D Doesn't on the surface appear to be common time until you count it out. The overlapping lyrical lines are magical. Sorry to drool but I can't find a foot wrong here  ;D

Excellent
Paul
Title: Re: Shame
Post by: PaulAds on August 12, 2020, 09:09:55 PM
Hi Jamie

Somehow missed this one earlier  :)

Yeah...I loved the piano in this too...and then the way it branches out...very nice indeed.

Great chorus as well...and that choir bit turned quite spooky right at the end. A cool sting in the tail.

Another tip top track!
Title: Re: Shame
Post by: Jamie on August 16, 2020, 04:27:43 PM
Sorry to bump this but I've been away 8)

Thanks for listening guys!

@Paulski (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=19241)
Hi Paul, I wouldn't put myself in the same vocal league as Kev, but I appreciate the comment ;D. Yes I remember "friday on my mind" and I know what you mean, also about the timing, I wanted to try it out, seems to have been reasonably successful 8). Fab comments, thanks Paul!

@PaulAds (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=20253)
Hi Paul,always like a bit of spooky... :P. Glad you enjoyed it. It's not actually one of my favourites of my own ???, but I'm pleased about the response.

Cheers
Jamie