The Songwriter Forum - songwriting reviews, tips and chat
Songwriter Forum => Feedback on Finished songs => Topic started by: LostBoy on July 29, 2020, 03:07:15 PM
-
Hi everyone,
I wanted to write a vintage/Motownish/soul ballad....I failed cos Its 4mins long!🤦🏼♂️ but hopefully it feels right?
I really wrestled with the mix on this as I wanted to make it sound a little rough around the edges with saturation, but man does that stuff make your mix sound harsh and brittle...sigh...so this is where I've landed for now. I hope you like it? Lyrics ok? Melody? Vocal volume? Is that triangle a touch too loud?? All thoughts are welcome and thanks. 😁👍🏻
https://soundcloud.com/leo-b-5/daylight-robbery?ref=clipboard
Daylight Robbery.
Seven months gone
Still I cant move on
When I always see you around
Hearts in my mouth
Try to be strong but I'm choking on doubt
Maybe you'll see what you've done
And bring your lovin' back home
Nobody's perfect baby
But I gave you everything I've got
and it just hurts me so bad
Seeing you holding his hand
He stole your heart
It was daylight robbery
Now I'm in the dark
And it's cold with you gone
He stole your heart
It was daylight robbery
I cant go on
You were my sunlight
Others have tried
To light up the nights
But their love just doesnt come close
You are the one
Every memory feels like I'm home
Nobody else can compare
And none ever will...no darlin
Friends say I'm crazy lately
But I miss you more than words can say
And in my heart I believe
No one can love you like me.
-
sweet and delightfull, i enjoyed listening^^ !
-
Really fine tune here @LostBoy (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=20481) with a fantastic classic feel. I love the vocal arrangements!
If I'm picking at nits I'd look at the volume relationship between the lead vocal and the snare......the snare feels a bit louder to me.
What a great listen this one is!
-
Totally cracked it mate..Faultless in my book..great singing. 8)
-
Hey Leo @LostBoy (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=20481) .. this is smoooooooooth!!! And sweet.. Vocal is (as always) gorgeous.. Lovely lyric (I'm just finished a song with "I've given all I've got" in it - I swear I didn't steal it :) :) ).. You certainly fulfilled your brief - it ticks those boxes.. Doesn't feel too long either at 4 mins..
Great playing too - who's that on the keys?
I would bring the vocal up a little too.. And that keyboard quick fire at .36, 1.55 etc I think sounds a little unnatural, I think I'd edit that.. but just a personal thing I'm sure..
Wonderful stuff!
K
-
Hi Leo @LostBoy (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=20481) This is indeed a piece of top quality. Your vocals as ever are top, top quality and those bv's are tight, tight, tight. I love the little stops and starts that you use. Smooth as silk - Fabulous song :)
-
A lovely, nostalgic number. You can really hear the emotional heartache in it.
The production, to me, captures the raw honesty of a classic Southern soul band. However, I also feel there are some very classy elements to it. Everything sounds very neat, which is good given the richness of the sound with guitars, keyboards, brass section and vocal harmonies all coming together in unison.
Great therapy for rejection blues! Very uplifting in the way it confronts innermost feelings.
The vocal delivery is absolutely perfect for the song, impassioned and yearning.
I predict, some day, a thousand twinkles in the darkness of the arena as mobile phone lights sway among the crowds.
-
@LostBoy (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=20481)
Hi Leo, +1 to all the other comments, great vocals, almost Steve Wonder'ish in places. Great production too......No complaints from me!
Cheers
Jamie
-
Wow! Fantastic vocals (and BVs), this is really, really good. Super melody and great production, hard to fault the mix.
This is better than 95 % of the professional Motown / Soul material out there, well done!
Kevin
-
Knockout vocal and the backing is beautifully smooth too.
If someone was holding a gun to my head and demanding that I find something to say that didn't involve gushing, I'd have to say that the word "robbery" doesn't quite sing as nicely as it reads. But then, assuming that I'd sufficiently pacified them with my enforced nit-picking, I'd wait 'til they put the gun down, then grab it and shoot the bastard for making me say it.
Keyboards are lovely too.
Top stuff, Leo.
-
@Melusine2 (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=22580) @pompeyjazz (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=20269) @kevysc (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=19775) @shadowfax (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=20024) @MonnoDB (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=19820) @bigFishAndTheSmallPondets (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=20529) @paulads @Unclenny (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=22611) @Jamie (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=19125)
A big thanks guys for checking it out and for your comments. I have made some adjustments thanks to your feedback and probably will continue to do so.😁👍🏻
-
This is an excellent piece of songwriting
You’ve always produced strong songs with great lyrics. Your vocals and vocal tone are lovely, wish I had 1/10th of you vocal. I thought the production was spot on but hopefully the more experience can offer pointers (if there are any)
Enjoyed the listen :)
-
@LostBoy (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=20481) - Hi Leo, wonderful songwriting, love the organ and some of the drum fills, (listened on apple earbuds...)
I can hear the vintage element, the overall construction of the song is perfect.
I really wrestled with the mix on this as I wanted to make it sound a little rough around the edges with saturation, but man does that stuff make your mix sound harsh and brittle...sigh...so this is where I've landed for now. I hope you like it? Lyrics ok? Melody? Vocal volume? Is that triangle a touch too loud?? All thoughts are welcome and thanks.
I agree with @MonnoDB (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=19820) about some of the Rhodes fills sound a little MIDI'ish, and the brass a little bit so. Maybe reduce the number of fills and embellishments that are adding interest throughout, it kind of takes away the focus from the vocal melody.
If anything I thought the bass Gtr could be a little more 'flabby' and a touch saturated, (as if going through an old, well toured bassman)
Some of the drum fills are also little out of context, they might benefit from being really simple, with just simple, but different end of groove fills.
The Vocals are spot on, nice EQ and at the right level in the mix.
The vintage vibe is a very bright thing Leo, part of this maybe is due to the gear they used and that they had to carve a chunk of wax to make a vinyl disk, the more bass the deeper they had to go, the deeper it went the more likely the needle would skip to the next groove..
I've toyed with some of the earlier genres, and Boy (or Lost Boy, I should say) you're right, the sound is bright TG12345 desk is super bright, so there is a lot of harshness around, funny though loads of people are yearning for that analogue gear, but it was warm and noisey. I understand the tricks that your ears have been playing....you kind of get sucked into a new level of brightness, and then everything sounds too bright, trust your ears, but keep an eye on the spectrum analyser, such as voxengo span, that'll tell you what's going on, but if it sounds right, it probably is.
But despite all that, it was the songs that were just superb, like this one.
Hope this helps
-
Hola @LostBoy (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=20481)
I just heard you, I was still a little nervous after hearing the news and your song has relaxed me, the general sound of the instrumentation and of your voice.
It has been a very pleasant experience.
Sorry to tell you this but I would put a little introduction to your song !!!
Otherwise, the style, color, production and voices are great.
-
Fab song. I felt a bit the reverse of Paul - I didn't immediately take to "daylight robbery" when I read it, but that part is catchy as heck and really stuck with me these last few days. I really like titles / lines that take everyday phrases and make them into something memorable like that anyway.
Love the vocal, BVs and little keyboard sprinkles. Awesome stuff.
-
This is immediately perfect - it sets out the musical frame within a few seconds. This is right up my street - could have been recorded at Muscle Shoals in 1969. Superb, soulful vocals, gorgeous harmonies, organ is perfect. Reminds me of David Ruffin on the vocal. What can I say - it's bleedin' magic!
M
-
Great vibe to the mix, think the vox need to come up at a little few places e.g. around 30 sec but mostly it is spot on
Fab vocals and backing is solid but it feels like this is not quite you "thing".
Don't get me wrong, it all sounds fab but something does not feel quite right, a bit too "old" sounding to be a perfect fit for you.
Still very,very good write and superbly executed.
-
Hi Leo,
This is so polished. The vocal melody and different song sections keep the listener engaged yet you manage to come back to that libel you chorus which stays with us long afte the song has ended. Impressive, accomplished writing with great vocals. It might be an idea to make the guitar more reliant on guitar to really capture that vintage sound. A quality composition!
Paul