The Songwriter Forum - songwriting reviews, tips and chat

Songwriter Forum => Feedback on Finished songs => Topic started by: LostBoy on May 10, 2020, 01:11:44 AM

Title: Malachi (FEMALE VOCALS ADDED TO HELP TELL THE STORY BETTER:D)
Post by: LostBoy on May 10, 2020, 01:11:44 AM
Hi guys, new song from me. I originally produced this with just me and a guitar, but I just felt it needed dressing up a bit so I sent it to my pal Jambrains and he came up with this awesome backing track. All thoughts are welcome....is the story told well enough? (I did struggle a bit with this one, trying to cram it all in in 4ish mins.)

Thanks in advance!😄🎶👍🏻🎶

SINCE THE ABOVE I HAVE GOT MY SUPER TALENTED BUDDY SHEVAUN TO SING ON THE TRACK. I just felt that as I had it before may have confused people as to who was singing what and to who....this way, hopefully it all becomes a bit clearer???🎶👍🏻🎶

https://soundcloud.com/leo-b-5/malachi-1

Lyrics
Got a call from an old friend
Said she was back in town
Well I hadn’t seen her in forever
I told her to come around
She knocked upstairs on the window
Just like when we were kids
And there she sat on the willow
I laughed and let her in.

I held her tight for a little while
A tear was in her eye
Eight years gone in a moment
Didn’t think we’d reunite
Then suddenly her face fell
And I could see her alarm
Knew then I should’ve sent the letter
I showed her what was wrong

And quickly told my tale
Of driving on black ice
A stubborn tree and a miracle
A dead man brought to life

Malachi...she said...sorry i...

I said please don’t worry I know I should’ve said
But I made it back from the dead
I’m the king of the second chance
I know I’m a lucky man

We ate our chips by the river
The salmon were climbing the falls
She told me all about Australia
Winced and said divorced
I tried to keep my cool then
I wasn’t expecting that
But all of the feelings I had before
All came rushing back

And she looked beautiful
Our laughter filled the night
And all the stars up above us
Appeared to shoot on sight

Malachi...all this time...feels good to be back home...something’s will never change...

I said all these years a secret I kept
I never told you how I felt
Now I’m the king of the second chance
I can’t let this moment pass
For all these years I had a regret
I never told you how I felt
Now I’m the king of the second chance
I know I’m a lucky man
I won’t let this moment pass with you...

Malachi....close your eyes.
Title: Re: Malachi
Post by: IronKnee on May 10, 2020, 07:28:49 AM
What a great piece of writing.........wonderful production. love the performances.
Kind of a far out lyrical premise. If I were asked to write a lyric on such an idea, I don't believe I would come close to what you created.
Kudos........
                            -Tom
Title: Re: Malachi
Post by: cowparsleyman on May 10, 2020, 09:55:53 AM
@LostBoy (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=20481) - As always a cracking piece, production superb, hooky as hell and sparkly clean. Love the slide guitar and the space.

I've never been one to pick up on lyrics as my ears are concerntrating on the instruments, but this story poked into mind.

Very nice work, my cuppa tea on the BV's and verse/chorus together.

Like this a lot....great work @Jambrains (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=19875)
Title: Re: Malachi
Post by: Neil C on May 10, 2020, 11:46:48 AM
Wow,
Soundly lush, 4 chords and you are the master of building the whole arrangement, especially slide and vocals
Everything just does what it should I think Gary Barlow would be proud.
Top job Leo.
:-) neil
Title: Re: Malachi
Post by: 5 guys named Lars on May 10, 2020, 12:19:02 PM
Blimey @Jambrains (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=19875) you`ve got a great voice. Liked the song & don`t worry if the full story isn`t told (it never is) & I think its good to be oblique sometimes (if thats the right word). Nice one.
Title: Re: Malachi
Post by: MichaelA on May 10, 2020, 01:34:22 PM
Great story Leo. Yeah, there are a lot of lyrics but you pace the story really well and the plot development keeps you hooked. I liked the down to earth imagery like 'eating chips' which contrasts to the romantic elements of it, it helps you relate to the narrator and hope it works out for him.

The vocals are great, as usual, but I really liked how you used them more stripped back early on before the big harmonic build at the end. plus the simplicity of the mini chorus is a great contrast to those wordy verses.

You've really show you can master the pace and development of a song in this. Top work mate!
Title: Re: Malachi
Post by: PaulyX on May 10, 2020, 07:02:03 PM
Expert story telling Leo - yes it's told "well enough" - much more than well enough.  (Well I interpreted a fully story from it at least - guy and girl are close to becoming lovers but he gets into a car accident which puts him in a coma for a while, she thinks he has ghosted her due to the sudden end of communication... until 8 years later... did I get it?!).  Epic vocals as ever and a good build to the song, but it is the narrative that is the biggest hook here I think.  I had to Google "Malachi", I didn't know it was a name... thought it could mean something else but Google told me it means "My Angel" which I guess is even more appropriate for the story.  Great work sir.
Title: Re: Malachi
Post by: pompeyjazz on May 10, 2020, 08:55:16 PM
Agree with Paul. Excellent story telling. Those vocals are just stellar @LostBoy (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=20481) and what an excellent backing track from @Jambrains (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=19875) The slide guitar is subtle but oh so effective. This is a top quality pop tune, miles better than the excrement that fills the current pop charts. Well done indeed guys  :)
Title: Re: Malachi
Post by: adamfarr on May 11, 2020, 09:31:36 AM
Wow, that was great. At the beginning I actually thought there was going to be too much actual story-telling but after that scene setting there were some lovely details (the willow, the chips, the stars) and the 'king of the second chance' is a killer pay off.
In my mind, I had Malachi down as a boy's name but that's probably totally out of line with the way things work in real life.
Also love the way Jambrains has created something so non-Jambrains sounding and so suited to the song. You two clearly work well together.
Title: Re: Malachi
Post by: Jamie on May 11, 2020, 01:29:31 PM
@LostBoy (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=20481) @Jambrains (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=19875)

Hi guys, great collaboration. The arrangement and build is very subtle and effective,didnt get in the way but supported beautifully. Great singing especially the BV's.
Excellent!

Cheers

Jamie
Title: Re: Malachi
Post by: Sebandme on May 11, 2020, 04:02:34 PM
Wow those vocals man jeez!! I wish I could get close to that kind clean polished sound. Great track and amazing vocals.
Title: Re: Malachi
Post by: montydog on May 12, 2020, 02:29:30 PM
Hi,
Their are a lot of lyrics but not a word is wasted - great story telling. It's a very imaginative way of bringing the 2 strings of the second chance theme together. The vocals are absolutely top notch and the mix and production are peerless - how do you do that? This is a pro level piece of songwriting that would sit very comfortably on an album by a major signed artist. Deeply envious of how good this is. Very well done.
M
Title: Re: Malachi
Post by: MonnoDB on May 12, 2020, 10:41:14 PM
Leo this is gorgeous.. Great story telling... I'm intrigued as to where you came up with Malachi - did it inspire the song, or fit the line?? If you feel like telling..  It's a name that's relatively widely used in Ireland although pronounced differently.. And the Malachi, I'm sorry I... line is divine...

Anyway, that's just me being nosy.. Great song.. beautiful vocals and such lovely guitar work that (obviously) doesn't surprise me on either count.. the track is awesome as you say..

@LostBoy (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=20481) and @Jambrains (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=19875) - simply wonderful..

K
Title: Re: Malachi
Post by: LostBoy on May 15, 2020, 08:47:05 PM
@IronKnee (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=20409) @cowparsleyman (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=21308) @Neil C (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=18856) @5 guys named Lars (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=22535) @pompeyjazz (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=20269) @MichaelA (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=21274) @MonnoDB (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=19820) @PaulyX (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=21034) @Jamie (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=19125) @Sebandme (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=22491) @montydog (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=18653) @adamfarr (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=20124)

Thanks very much everyone for checking this out and giving such encouraging feedback😄🎶👊🏻🎶.

@adamfarr (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=20124) Malachi IS the guys name. I think maybe I confuse people a bit in the choruses? 😆🤷🏼‍♂️

@MonnoDB (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=19820) thanks Karen.😄👍🏻 I just came up with that name while strumming the guitar and it just had the right number of syllables, sang well and best of all was just unusual enough to add more interest (I hoped😊).
Title: Re: Malachi
Post by: PaulAds on May 16, 2020, 10:05:02 PM
Vocals are amazing...honestly, as good as anything i hear anywhere.

It's a really lovely thing. Deserves to be heard by a wide audience...I'm sure everyone who heard your voice would love it.

When I saw the word "Malachi" i thought of "malarkey" which spoilt the image a little...and i did think of salmon and chips somewhere in the middle too...but I'm a terrible cynic at heart, so the lovely upbeat story of love resurrected would always be fighting a losing battle with me.

Cynicism aside...it's a great song!

Somebody mentioned Barlow. I heard him on desert island discs. If only...

I think you should work out a plan for future tax avoidance...just in case :)
Title: Re: Malachi
Post by: adamfarr on May 17, 2020, 09:42:54 AM
@LostBoy (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=20481) aha! I’ll have to admit I was thrown a bit by that. But I seem to be the only one so probably not to worry!
Title: Re: Malachi
Post by: Grubstar on May 17, 2020, 02:55:09 PM
A really nice song, beautifully sung. A very professional sounding production and arrangement, I really enoiyed it.
Title: Re: Malachi (FEMALE VOCALS ADDED TO HELP TELL THE STORY BETTER:D)
Post by: LostBoy on May 24, 2020, 12:31:24 AM
@adamfarr (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=20124) well the truth is I was concerned that I wasn’t being clear enough in the choruses as to who was singing what. Anyway I have have hopefully cleared things up now by having a female friend sing...well the female parts.😄👍🏻
Title: Re: Malachi (FEMALE VOCALS ADDED TO HELP TELL THE STORY BETTER:D)
Post by: cowparsleyman on May 24, 2020, 09:14:59 AM
@LostBoy (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=20481) - great to gear this again...funny how ones ears are...for me the guitars and drums stand out just perfect production, bass too is cool.

Malachi was a bloke i used bump into in central park.

A very accomplished song Leo, i appreciate your attention to detail. Your playing, production and fastidiousness matches your obvious vocal skill, there are plenty of great singers that can’t begin to come up with melody lines like you do, let alone play gtr.
Title: Re: Malachi (FEMALE VOCALS ADDED TO HELP TELL THE STORY BETTER:D)
Post by: LostBoy on May 28, 2020, 12:09:27 PM
@cowparsleyman (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=21308) Well thank you very much mate. Although I cannot take credit for the music in this song/version that was all Jambrains. I appreciate u listening again man.🎶👊🏻🎶😄
Title: Re: Malachi (FEMALE VOCALS ADDED TO HELP TELL THE STORY BETTER:D)
Post by: MonnoDB on May 28, 2020, 09:58:15 PM
Missed your update - gotta say although I didn't struggle with the who says what in the previous mix, the addition of the female vox really works .. works perfectly to remove any ambiguity but apart from that - it sounds just gorgeous..

Didn't mention the first time but standout line for me from a phrasing perspective...

The salmon were climbing the falls...

Songwriter chills!! :)

Nice work, sir!

K