The Songwriter Forum - songwriting reviews, tips and chat

Songwriter Forum => Feedback on Finished songs => Topic started by: Thepurplezone on March 29, 2020, 05:35:12 PM

Title: Thought Vomit - Natasha Ali
Post by: Thepurplezone on March 29, 2020, 05:35:12 PM

Any feedback heavily appreciated

LYRICS
Clawed out of another spiral
I think I’m my only rival
And this final act of viral paranoia’s my last trial
As I dial through the vital vile tidal of my primal
Existence
I’m resistant
To assistance
Keep your distance
I have dreams that reign supreme and make me scream in my head
About a guy who fed me lies and helped my bed see red
And forgiveness is a business I should witness
Before I lose my mind
For the thousandth time
But little girl, didn’t you already cross every taboo line?
Little girl, is there even a boy out there who hasn’t seen you cry?
Oh little girl, please don’t you worry
Don’t you wind up dead
There must be something more to life than a backflash of regret
A few deep breaths, back to your best, for social tests, you’re not a pest
It’s fine
Just keep spinning through rhymes and one day it might be alright.

Title: Re: Thought Vomit - Natasha Ali
Post by: nooms on March 29, 2020, 06:15:56 PM

striking lyric natasha
engaging sparse recording
i like your vocal
phrasings kind of awkward in places but really connects ..

Title: Re: Thought Vomit - Natasha Ali
Post by: Jamie on March 30, 2020, 11:21:49 AM

Angst ridden or what? Very heartfelt and striking lyric delivered well. Agree with Nooms about the phrasing, but I think the emotion was more important than the accuracy of the phrasing in this piece?
Interesting listen! 8)

Cheers

Jamie

Title: Re: Thought Vomit - Natasha Ali
Post by: cowparsleyman on April 02, 2020, 12:44:58 PM

@Thepurplezone (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=22542) ...Liked your song, fascinating lyrics and guitar work. could be a bit more precise, but then I guess it would lose it's appeal, maybe.

Hope it's not Durham that's causing your angst. Which college are you at? best of luck with your studies...

Title: Re: Thought Vomit - Natasha Ali
Post by: 5 guys named Lars on April 03, 2020, 10:58:20 AM

Liked this a lot.Nice one purple. Super title and the words obviously mean something.
That lovely chord change on existence-lose my mind-its fine is so emotive & I think works better on the last two cos the words convey more emotion than existence...but what the hell do I know? ..its great..congratulations.  :)

Title: Re: Thought Vomit - Natasha Ali
Post by: pompeyjazz on April 03, 2020, 05:47:59 PM

Super clever lyrics. Quirky and original delivery and some lovely unconventional chords - Fab stuff