The Songwriter Forum - songwriting reviews, tips and chat
Songwriter Forum => Feedback on Finished songs => Topic started by: sarahlawrence17 on November 30, 2019, 11:38:10 AM
-
After a very busy year, I've just finished high school and decided to start sharing my music again. I know the production could be better as I make everything in my bedroom with limited equipment and not a lot of knowledge about sound engineering, so I'm more looking for feedback on the writing :)
https://soundcloud.com/sarahlawrencemusic/leave
i was born underwater
i am made of the sea
i’m a highway man’s daughter
and he taught me how to speak
i’m a hard pill to swallow
i’m cold and i am cruel
and as sure as my sorrow
i have waited for you
lover, don’t leave
lover, don’t put this down
not now, when you were just learning to read
let me show you how
to draw me out
i was born in the winter
and it stayed all my life
and i learned how to whisper
the same way i learned to fly
learned i’m scared to try
lover, don’t leave
lover, don’t put this down
not now, when you were just learning to read
let me show you how
to draw me out
lover, don’t leave
lover, don’t let this go
you don’t know the half of what i can be
let me show you how
to draw me out
i want you more than i show
i want you more than you could know
lover, don’t leave
lover, don’t put this down
not now, when you were just learning to read
let me show you how
to draw me out
lover, don’t leave
lover, i’m so alone
you don’t know the half of what i can be
let me show you how
to draw me out
-
A charming song Sarah. There's a lovely melody and your voice reminds me of Joni Mitchell. It has that purity with just a bit of grit thrown in there. I actually thought that the production was pretty good and apart from a bit of eq tweaking here and there it's not a million miles away. Lovely song
-
I better start by mentioning how picky [and opinionated] I am. And I have biases. One bias is against what I consider sappy romantic songs. Especially the "lost love" and unrequited love kinds. Even more especially the "I'll never love anyone ever again" kind. But now I'm getting wild and soap-boxy, so let's get back to your song. Whew! Sorry....
So, anyway, as I read through the lyric, I was very impressed except for the "lover" parts. For me, that weakened the lyric. It starts really strong, in my opinion, as a statement of self and I, personally, would like to see that theme carried throughout the piece.
Okay, now, let's take a listen....
Well, the melody of the verses is repetitious which suits it, I think. Then the melody really wakes up very nicely for the chorus. I like the build there a lot. Now that I've heard it, I don't mind the "lover" section. You've made it fit in with the whole piece well, I think. [I know; I say "I think" a lot--I want to make it clear what I write is only my opinion and I don't know everything. ;)]
As far as production, that's not my area, so I can't help with that. I will say one thing, though. I am a big fan of clearly sung vocals. I don't think words should be mushed together or be done sloppily. Well, except in cases where that's the whole idea. Anyway, I'm listening to the phrase "I wan shoe". My suggestion is to try singing that phrase with clear pronunciation: "I want you".
And that's really the only true crit I have for this song. You have a lovely, distinctive sound that I expect will only get better and better as you continue writing and singing.
Vicki
-
Hi Sarah,
I love this ;D . Enchanting, captivating composition. Love the emotion and control in your vox. Great character and passion ;D
Excellent use of strings, and beautiful playing. Can't fault it....you should be famous ;D ;D . In fact I'm sure I've come across your
name somewhere before...do we know each other ?? Or are you already famous? ;D ;D ;D
Loved it....more please
x
-
You have a lovely voice and your use of dynamics to build the emotion of the lyrics
works really well. The vocal comes thru nice and clear with very nice playing!
Nice touch with the strings. very nice job on this Sarah!
-
hi @sarahlawrence17 (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=22048) - You are a skilled songwriter and have a confident delivery of your vocals, you manage to get a clear and, in the main, tidy sound from your bedroom setup, the song itself is polished.
A joy to hear your work Sarah. I look forward to hearing more from you. hang around here and you'll learn a lot, and your songs will improve.
Hope this helps
-
@pompeyjazz (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=20269) Thank you, I absolutely love Joni Mitchell!
@CaliaMoko (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=19928) thanks so much for considering the lyrics so thoroughly. Interesting to hear your thoughts about songwriting, personally I love a bit of love-related sentimentality (you can probably tell) but I do try to keep away from it as much as I can, I think the best writing comes from finding new ways to describe human relationships. Now that you've pointed that out about the vocals I can't unhear it, I'll definitely keep that in mind next time I perform this!
@Binladeda (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=18620) that's so kind of you, thank you so much! I did use this site about a year ago so maybe I interacted with you then? Anyway, that means a lot, so glad you liked it :)
@Bostonfan2 (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=22448) @cowparsleyman (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=21308) thank you both for listening and saying such nice things! I do plan to stick around :)
-
This is great, Sarah.
Vocals are really super...lovely guitar work and has a very sweet understated feel.
Will look forward to hearing more from you.
-
Spot on....great voice
-
@PaulAds (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=20253) @Welsh Steve (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=22316) Thank you both so much for listening!! :)
-
WOW Sarah, this is lovely! your song writing skills are quite advanced, especially for someone of your young age. You play very well and have a beautifully delicate voice :) The lyrics are compelling and I'd be interested to know what inspired you to write them.
You have talent, so keep up the writing :)
-
A lovely song to showcase your fantastic voice. You've done a great job with the production. Your embrace sincere emotion in your writing and that is exactly what I enjoy about writing. Welcome to the forum. This is quite stunning from a writer's perspective!
Paul
-
Congratulations on a beautifully written and performed song! You sell the song with that fantastic, emotive vocal. Well done! I love the lyrics, very intriguing. I really enjoyed it. Thanks for sharing with us.👏🏻🎶👏🏻🎶👏🏻😄
-
Lovely song Sarah .You should be very proud. I liked the production too..doesn`t need much more than that in my opinion.
I can see what CaliaMoko means about the "lover" lyric but you`ve given it a twist here so I think it works.
Thanks for sharing & keep up the good work. :)
-
knock out song and performance sarah
read the first couple of lines and had to press play..
love your vocal and the way song gathers momentum..
really impressive
-
Hi Sarah,
Quality song and performance.
Really enjoyed the vocal - had just the right balance of vocal gymnastics.
The subtle harmonies worked very well.
Music forms the sea bed for your vocals to float over.
Great stuff.
Digger
-
Excellent - this has it all, lyrics, melody and feeling. Really like the strings and backing vocals. Great stuff.
-
Thank you so much everyone! I really appreciate you all taking the time to listen and write such kind and helpful things :) xx
-
Very talented! Great vocal, delicate yet assured. If you stick at it, it looks like you have the potential to write some really great songs for the future. I hope to hear them, well done!
-
Hi, I can only echo the tone set by the other listeners. Accomplished, singing writing and playing. If this was recorded professionally it wouldn't sound out of place on the radio.
Very talented!
Cheers
Jamie